Interfector

[mydoggeorge]

Hi,
I am posting my first screenplay on here. I had previously posted an uncomplete one in the Entire Acts section.

Synopses - A killer is on the loose and one girl is the only one that can stop him.

I guess it could be defined as being in the horror/thriller genre.

I would appreciate any and all comments as harsh as they may be. Thanks for looking and hopefully the comments and feedback.

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Mark,
Your story has great potential. Take all the feedback you receive from your fellow GITS members and do a rewrite. Take your time. Come back with a new version and let us read it again. I promise you the response will be tons better. With that said,

Here we go...

You open without telling the reader where the story takes place.

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY
SUPER: ELEVEN YEARS AGO

If you want a ‘willing suspension of disbelief’ ya gotta give me something to work with.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Second, your opening description reads more like a novel:

The sun, a token of yellow high in the sky mixed with an endless
expanse of blue.

A field broken by a dirt road, complete with dust cloud rising
in the air as a car makes it's way down the road.

A foot, motionless in high grass on the side of the road. The
foot leads to a leg, to a torso, a head turned to the side.

The eyes motionless, glazed over. She's dead.

The nearest tree, Ravens line the branches, they take flight
casting darkness across the body and the field below.

The hands show symbols.

Try simplifying your writing. For example:

The sun blazes against an expanse of blue high above a field bisected by a dirt road.

A flock of ravens takes flight -- casts dark shadows over the field below.

One of the black birds swings right -- descends into the high grass -- comes to rest on a pale and lifeless tattooed hand.

It waddles past the wrist -- up the arm -- shoulder. Stops.

Pecks at the dead girl’s face.

Same result -- 25 fewer words.
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A big pet peeve of mine concerns the use of variations of the verb, to be. Avoid them like the plague. Another concerns those pesky -ing verbs. Avoid them too. Also, in the following portion of your script you need to transition from Sarah sitting at her desk, to the vision occupying her mind.

EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The house is totally dark except for a light coming from the first
floor of the Cape Cod Style House.
INT. SARAH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sarah is on the bed sleeping.
Her motionless body, starts tossing and turning...
SUDDENLY - she gets up from the bed and walks over to the desk
and chair facing the window, sits. She opens a journal and starts
to write...
A close up of her face broadcast the white over the iris.
She's in a catatonic state.
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
INTERFECTOR, (The Latin name for Killer, and the name that Sarah
uses to write the person down in her journal.) drags a woman
through the forest, her head bobs up and down caressing the earth
as the ferns tickles her neck.

Here is how I would handle this:

EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Totally dark except for a light coming from the first
floor of the Cape Cod Style House.

INT. SARAH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sarah sleeps. Her body tosses -- turns.
She sits up. Slides off her bed -- shuffles to her desk by the window.
She sits -- opens a journal -- grabs a pen -- scribbles in the book.
Her face remains expressionless -- eyes rolled back in her head.
Clearly in a catatonic state.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

SUPER: SARAH’S VISION

The INTERFECTOR drags a young, terrified woman
Across the ground. Her head bobs up and down. Bright green ferns
Caress her face..

Twenty-four fewer words -- same affect. I can’t stress enough the need to streamline your writing, to make it flow, to give the reader an enjoyable experience.
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Story logic. Page 12 -13. The Sheriff calls Tom, says:

RAYMOND TARVER (O.S.)
Yes, Detective. I am RAYMOND TARVER
from the Mizerne County Sheriff's
Department. I was told by the Operator
that you were the man to call about
this.

The Operator? As in telephone operator?

Later he says:

RAYMOND TARVER
(into phone)
They are Chinese and they stand for
Killer. The Database flagged the
symbols we fed in and your name and
number popped up.

Now you state the database told the Sheriff who to call. Also, get rid of the parentheticals like: (into phone). We are aware this is a phone conversation.

Story logic issues will take your reader right out of the story. Pronto!
-------------------------------------------------
Another issue to be aware of is story sequence (for lack of a better word/term). As an example, on page 107. You write:

A red hole forms in the forehead of Interfector. He stumbles
backwards...
...off the roof...THUD. His body hits the pavement below.

You have the sound effect occurring before the final action. Should be like this:

A red hole forms in the forehead of Interfector. He stumbles
backwards...
...off the roof... His body hits the pavement below. THUD.!
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Okay, I have to be honest. I did not read the whole script. There were too many problems with the writing that made reading the script, well, painful. I apologize for being so brutal, but to learn and grow as a writer you must pay some dues. Brutal honesty being part of the process.

One suggestion I would make -- to make the story more appealing to the 14 - 21 demographics -- let Sarah partner up with a fellow student. A guy. Someone who secretly has a crush on Sarah. Horror story + Love story = Big Box Office.

Just one man’s opinion.

[mydoggeorge]

Thank you for the reply and quick read. I will take what you said and improve and at some point when I am done re-writing - post again. I appreciate it. I guess I need the slap in the face stuff - it's the only way I am going to know.

[anonymous1234]

Okay, first things first. Horror is NOT my genre. That being said, everything I say henceforth can be taken from somebody who doesn't understand the genre you're writing.

What you have here (IMHO), is a clever twist on the usual slasher flick. Instead of not knowing who is chasing her, Sarah sees everything he does. It's a clever idea which could be turned into a great script.

Also, horror not being my cup of tea, I did only make it to around page 60. So, this is a critique on the first 60-ish pages of your script.

I'll break down my critiques into major, middle, and minor.

Major:
(1) For the first 40-50 pages nothing new is happening. We keep seeing Interfector killing people and then Sarah and Abby talking about Sarah seeing it. Right now, it could work much better as a short. It was really difficult for me to continue reading the same idea over and over and over again and this was one of the reasons why I couldn't continue reading it.
(2) We have ZERO attachment to any characters. I have no idea what makes Sarah, Sarah. Also, the thing which makes horror movies work is that the people that die are people whom we have seen throughout the entire movie. The people dying in this are people whom I have never met before.

(SUGGESTION: Maybe, instead of having many pages of the same thing over and over, you could do one of two things: (1) Make it more of a cat and mouse of Interfector VS. Sarah (2) Make it more of a mystery (One of the reasons why The Ring was so good was because it had a mystery to it which propelled the story forward)).

(3) The stakes need to be raised. Okay, so Sarah is having these creepy visions of this killer. WHY DO I CARE? You need to make more of a reason why this is such a big deal.

*On a side note, I really did enjoy the scene of Jeannine running from Interfector and this all played out really well. Maybe, it could be used as an opener. It sets everything up well and is intriguing.

Medium:
(1) Your action reads a little bit too much like detailed prose. You should cut it down and make it a little bit more...user-friendly.

Minor:
(1) You capitalize the strangest words. I don't know whether I should bother mentioning it because it's such a small and subtle thing, but it did dawn on me.

Conclusion: I am terribly sorry if I'm being a little harsh and I am not trying to, by any stretch of the imagination, hurt you as a writer's feelings. I am rather just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Maybe try to rework it into a more elaborate story, because as is, it needs a lot of work. You have a clever concept, you truly do. The problem is that it's being bogged down by repetition, lack of character development and a lack of story.

I hope this helped. And please don't hate me for being so harsh, I really don't want you to feel bad and angry after these comments.

Just my two cents,
Anonymous1234

[mydoggeorge]

Anonymous -
Definitely helped. I need people to be blunt and give me the truth, just need the advice to get better. I will take your notes and use them. Thanks.