Red Frenzy (SWF ISO SWM)

[mscherer]

Okay, finally finished the shitty first draft of my latest script. Previously titled, Single White Female In Search Of Single White Male (SWF ISO SWM) now called, simply, Red Frenzy.

I completed this script in six weekends. I mention this because I have heard more than one writer complain they don’t have the time to write. If I can do it -- you can do it too.

One-hundred-four pages in 13 days.
One-hundred-four pages in approximately 52 hours of writing time.

I don’t say this to brag -- only to act as, hopefully, an inspiration. That said....

Tear it apart. But let me say up front: I know there doesn’t seem to be a traditional protagonist. I know the characters are not three dimensional-- yet. I know these things. This is, after all, a first draft.

Now, go forth -- tear it apart. Help me make it a great second draft.

Thanks in advance and,

Keep Writing!

www.sendspace.com/file/ia4lk8

[fastfreddie]

Mike,

You've been a busy little writer. I just downloaded it. I have a few ahead of it.

I can't wait to read it.

Fastfreddie

[mscherer]

Derek,

Thanks for the read. Please, there is no hurry. I intend to let this one marinate; stew in its own juices; Let It Be -- start a new script tomorrow.

Slow and steady wins the race!

Thanks again.

[mscherer]

Folks,

There are some things about this first draft that have been gnawing at the back of my brain so, I thought I would share them with you – perhaps you can keep these thoughts in mind while reading the script, then give me YOUR thoughts.

1. Are the Hospice murders (Liz sucking the life out of her suffering and terminally ill patients) necessary? Only a device to get Rodriguez on the scene, but that could be accomplished with the car hop murder.

2. Somewhere early in the script it might be appropriate for Jolene to mention how much she would love to sell The Keg and get the hell out of Dodge. After reading the script, do you agree?

3. Go deeper into Ricky’s character to show how he is conflicted between his hatred for dear ol’ Mom and his guilt for having killed her.

4. Show why Liz is no longer your typical Vampire. Why she has taken it upon herself to rid the world of evil people like Ricky Bates Monroe. This is never discussed in the script and probably should be.

I know there are others, but this should be enough to prime the pump.

As always, thanks for your time and feedback.

Keep Writing!

[openup]

Hey mscherer!

Read it. Dark, disturbing (no offence). I liked it. I like such stories in general. ;D Plus, you're gonna please that Twilight audience that's gonna be seeking for something "vampirish" but more serious, when that "quadrilogy" is finally over (just kidding, I'm not comparing Red Frenzy to Twilight, don't take this comment seriously).

Here are my notes. Please, take into account that this is the first time I do something similar, and they might not be as good as those other people take here... For that, sorry in advance.

-- First thing that jumped in my head when reading:
You're mentioning car models, trademarks, and songs' names throughout the script (Dior, for example). I just take into account all these things people say about new writers using freely trademarks, and songs, and that makes them look amateurish, and if you're one of us (new), then I think it would be better to replace them with something else. If not, just ignore this comment...

--All the characters were likable, to me. Baylee-Anne's death was tragic, because she was that great girl in love with the wrong guy. Joelle - the experienced one, the determined one. I liked Liz too (maybe that's strange, but I did like her). Ricky had a Dexter vibe about him (the bad side - he's the exception, I didn't like him as a person, of course), and I could see Michael C.Hall playing him (yeah, I like assigning faces to characters).

P.S: I couldn't comment on the dialogue, because I'm not an American. Sorry. But I like your style.

-- Rodriguez:

Frankly, I couldn't see his... Role in this whole story. I understand, he's a detective who was assigned to lead this investigation, but he came, exchanged a few words with Liz here and there, and disappeared... As if he never existed. For me, since he's a character, flesh and blood (because he appears quite often), you need to turn him into somebody who's not there just to give us info on Liz.

If I may here, as an example, mention "Seven". Hope you've seen it. You got the three main characters, the two detectives, and the serial killer. Plus, you got... Let's say "Brad Pitt's Wife", who's like Rodriguez, up to a point. She reflects aspects of Mills's life (just like Rodriguez reflects aspects of Liz's), she's just "info", until the very end, when HER decapitation turns Mills's brain upside down, and he shoots the Killer. She plays a significant role in the story. Rodriguez should, too. And he can. He's got that potential. But he doesn't.

I hope you understand my POV. Just an opinion...

-- I didn't like the way Jolene freed herself. Too fast and easy. I believe this needs work. It's way too "what the hell..?" when she appears at the bar, and we're hooked up, up to the point when she says "Guess... I was determined". It didn't work for me.

Opinion: Maybe you could make a whole new location for Ricky's mother? Like, a room, for example, decorated, insane. It would be creepier if he stuck her in this room, along with the corpse (we'd see it earlier on in the Third Act. Just an idea...).

-- Now, about things you mentioned yourself:

1. I told you my opinion about Rodriguez.
2. You could let it slip delicately, yeah. (But also, she might be selling the Keg because she can't live there anymore, after such a horrible experience.)
3. For me, deeper, but not that deep. I already understood his hatred and guilt, but if you could add more depth, I don't think it would harm the story. Might even make it better.
4. Liz's determination... Hmm...

...Maybe you could work on their relationship with Rodriguez a bit, give it more complexity, take it to another level. Plus, maybe you could make her "On Vacation", and not retired, as she is now. So he's still her partner, for example. You'de be giving him motive to be protective of her (and cause trouble when she wants to show her vampire self). Again, just throwing ideas...

So... For the moment, this is all I can recall, and see from the notes I took while reading... I hope I didn't sound too critisizing... I make a lot of mistakes, so my opinion is just what it is: an opinion. I'm just trying to help. Hope I did, at least a bit.

And thanks for the good read!

[mscherer]

openup,

Thank you for taking time to read Red Frenzy -- much appreciated.
Also, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

You express some good ideas -- a few I plan to steal ;D My plan is to let this script be until I finish the one I'm working on right now. Then I will gather everyone's suggestions and determine which I will encorporate in the rewrite.

Thanks again and,

Keep Writing!

[oz]

Mike, I promise to get to these pages soon. Last ten days have been killer around here.

Did want to comment regarding Open's post---and a discussion brought up a lot. Specifically song names in scripts. I've had an industry insider tell me point blank, put the name of the song in so the reader gets the feel of what you're conveying. The director and producer will decide if they want to pay for it. If they don't, they'll have you rewrite the scene or just leave it out but your job as the spec writer is to convey the scene to the best of your ability and if the scene calls for the song, use it.

Now I don't think he meant just filler, background music, but, for example, if your script is about musicians (like one I'm working on now) and you need music, I'm going to pick and choose each song as carefully as the words in my script because they're just as important. So I guess I'm saying although we've all heard the standard rule 'no song titles', I'm just saying, I've heard different and when they're needed, I put them in. I think the real question to ask, is it needed.

Just a thought.

[mscherer]

Donna,

Thanks for the support, and take your time. Your own writing comes first. ;D

Keep Writing!

[dwight]

Hey Mike, needed a writing break last night so i gave Red Frenzy a read... Nicely done a lot of strongly written and intense scenes.

Here's some notes.... (i read it with a few beers, so I apologize if i missed some key things while reading )

First off, I gotta say, I really like the original title... It's catchy and so relevant for the story, but I can see why a change is good.. Cant have ladies mistaking it for a romantic comedy by the name, and walking out distraught. hehe.

The characters... Liz and Ricky good solid lead characters. Making most of the focus on them and their individual stories would make an excellent character study.

Jolene, good supporting character (3rd lead even), she's intriguing. Since you have her part of the Ending, i think she needs more time and a relationship with Liz. Maybe have her find out liz's secret halfway through.. and have Liz follow Jolene closely because of her red hair and relationship with Ricky.

I like Ricky's creepo character, definitely a good bad guy. I feel he'd be stronger if I could have sympathized with him more. Like he's living a double life, but redheads fuel his murdering by night. Baylee-Anne is his chance at normality, so him killing Baylee-Anne has him go off the deep end, no way back. Jolene, is a his favorite red-head, but closest to resembling his mother, so he loves her too much to harm her... just yet.

One part that worked against the sympathetic part, was the rape of Jolene... felt it wasn't too needed.. left a bitter taste.. a pervo groping would have gotten the message across. Maybe Ricky stops himself before going too far.. because he actually loves her in some weird way.

Rodriguez coming into the story.. It may be interesting if he's a friend on the inside who knows she's a vampire. And he's been searching for her, because he knows her obsession with the red head slayings. As for the hospice slayings. In an excellent Korean movie, Thirst by Chan-wook Park (big recommend watch for quality vampire movies). In this movie a priest vampire, pretty much siphons blood from coma and ill patients too keep his bloodlust at bay, and keep himself young/healthy. This is a thought to keep Liz more heroic, and at least trying to stay legit. But I say.. kill Rodriguez, a slaying that brings Liz around

Cletus... not sure about him.. in the end. He's fine as a drunk through out, but the whole driving off with Liz seemed kind of out of random.. maybe he gets killed too. hehe

Ending.. needs some work, possibly more complex... a triple twist/red herring/ oh somebody isn't dead/ Ricky has been tricked and now has to face the music... ending.

All in all... i enjoyed this read.. heck this is the longest post i've written on GITS Club.. So well done, a lot of excellent thought provoking things that make an excellent story.

[LF]

Hey Mike,

I don't know why I want to call you Mike. Mike Scherer. Do you prefer Michael? Really random...

Anyway, I just read your script! I agree with most of the things everyone has said already, so I wont repeat them. I think you have a really *full* story. Nothing feels like filler, and plenty of things happen. Great first draft. Now, I think it needs some work so that you play on the audience's expectations by rearranging things. Maybe that's a way to approach the next draft. "What is the audience thinking now? Is it the opposite of what will actually happen? And does it still make sense within the story world you're building?" etc..

I thought of another way to approach the next draft when I was thinking about the vampire. I felt the vampire aspect was, not so much tacked on as, not fully integrated into the story world. Now, I don't mean make Ricky's mom a vampire too, blah blah, and I love that a vampire can be NOT the central focus. But I think it has to affect the story (world) in a concrete way. Right now, it feels like a deus ex machina at the end. She looks into people's eyes and its all done! And also, if she has so little reservations about going off and taking her actions at the end, why didn't she act in the beginning? It's not like she got any more information that solidified her suspicion of him (until she talked to Jolene I suppose, but that happened off screen). What if maybe she can only drink the blood of killers? What if that was her code?

Anyway, got sidetracked there, but while I was thinking all that, I thought of some ways to look at the story. The story is about how three *Red* women affect Ricky - The Red Devil (the mother), The Red Justice/Vampire (Liz), and The Red Angel (Jolene). He starts off under the influence of The Red Devil, scared of The Red Justice, and friendly with the Red Angel.

.... yeah it doesn't totally work. And Baylee-Ann could be worked into this as well. But maybe that's a way to think about how to structure the story, if you like.

<btw, if the whole vampire thing taps into some story metaphor/vision that I totally did not pick up on, sorry! and feel free to ignore most of what I said earlier>

Finally, I'm not a huge fan of the title. Maybe it's just me. The other one was a little better, but I can see why you changed it (perhaps like the earlier poster suggested). I thought of a couple that will maybe make you think of one you like!

Natural Red
Red Devils
His Red Devils

Oh, and I also wrote down a few things in a notepad document when I read the first 30 pages last night. I've pasted them here. I can try to elaborate if you need it.

p8 anger could be displayed a little less explicitly and more threateningly

this is the first time i've felt this, but i think your reactions need to be a little bit less explicit. Maybe show his anger through his action, (just grabbing knife is enough), etc

The formatting/prose/scene breaks for the scene where Cletus beats Jolene could use some work.

Tiny - p27 - nods and then slips on his seat belt

I hope that was clear and not too much longer than necessary. Hope it helps!

Good luck with what's next,
L

[waltkurtz]

Hi Mike,

I've been meaning to get to this script for some time, but I had to finish the first draft of the picture I'm working on so I could clear my mind and focus on the work of others.

First off, kudos to you for finishing this script in such a short amount of time. That is truly remarkable. It reminds me of an old film school professor I had who told me how he watched Francis Coppola type a full script, start to finish, on mimeo paper.

As for Red Frenzy, I'm sorry to say, I'm not a fan. I realize this is a first draft, but I have a lot of problems with the material.

I'm not sure where to start so I'm just going to dive in.

The opening scene with Ricky being tortured by his mother is indeed horrific. I suppose you did this to offer an explanation for why he commits the crimes he commits, but for me, to watch the torture of a child and then cut to his older self committing a murder of a woman like his mother is a little pat and on the nose, and, I think, unnecessary. Neither does it make the character sympathetic. Another aspect of this that bothered me was the Psycho connection. What is gained from this reference? Are we supposed to assume that Ricky got inspiration from Norman Bates? Or that the writer did? It has always been my biggest gripe about that film that in the end we are treated to a dissertation of Freudian proportions that seeks to explain what we've witnessed. In the 50's maybe audiences needed this. They don't today. Consider Silence of the Lambs. We learn what Gumb is after, what the thrill of killing provides him, but even Lector doesn't venture a guess as to why Gumb is the way he is. I don't think you should either.

Then we meet his friends. The murder he commits on page 2 never has any repercussions. Who is this murdered girl? Is she the one that brings Rodriguez to town? We never know. What we do learn is that Ricky is sexually uptight and is surrounded by women who want to fuck him and a friend who is a drunk. I was never sure what we were supposed to think about these people or why they were in the movie.

Bodean is an oaf who falls down drunk, hits his girlfriend and then fakes a turn to sobriety to get her back. Why? And why does he end up with Liz? This seemed arbitrary to me.

Bailey's insistent attraction to Ricky also makes no sense other than that her love leads her to do desperate things that inadvertently lead to her murder. It's almost like the Gwenyth Paltrow character in Seven whose sole function in the movie is to get beheaded and stuffed in a box to shatter her husband. This character was one dimensional, a sacrificial lamb. And that's a shame because she was the only character in the film I could muster any sympathy for.

As for Jolene, she struck me as a drunken floozy. What does she want in this picture? To marry Bodean? If so, she doesn't try very hard. And is this anything she should want in the first place? He beats her and lies. There were a number of instances when her behavior struck me as just plain stupid. The idea that she got knocked out and didn't know Ricky raped her seemed incredible. When she accepted that Bodean went to a meeting and was praying and couldn't come to the phone I didn't believe it. When, after all her experiences with creepy Ricky, she follows him inside expecting Bodean to be there... didn't believe it. She should know Bodean better than this. It plays like a plot contrivance and makes her look really dumb.

That brings me to Liz (I'll discuss her more in a moment).

The movie is essentially a cat and mouse pursuit with Liz chasing Ricky. Unfortunately, this never really gained steam or tension. The idea that Ricky meets his kills on the internet is cliche. Further, he doesn't specify red heads in his ad, so what is the point? Pursuant to this, Liz doesn't advertise as a red head, yet presumably she places these ads to catch the ginger killer. What kind of bait is that?

There are many plot points in the movie that seem arbitrary like that. For instance, what is the point of Liz buying Ricky's old place? It never plays into the story. The ending where Jolene magically escapes from Ricky's jail to aid Liz in busting him... I could go on, but I want to get to my big concern with this film.

You have a movie here that features a serial killer and a vampire former cop who's hot on his tail. Those are two big ideas that have nothing to do with each other and nothing to do with the story which, as it is, seems to be about a conflicted killer who's incapable of falling in love. Why does Liz need to be a vampire? How does it change the story if she's just a retired cop chasing that last bust on her own? It doesn't. There is no reason for Liz to be a vampire. It's like you decided chocolate and peanut butter go great together, except that instead of making a candy where accidental flavors might be desirable, this is a movie and you never make us understand the way these things relate or why it's important.

Okay -- that was harsh, I know. Now for the good part (see, I always save the best for last).

I think this movie as written is not the best movie you could make from the ideas you have on the page. I think the best movie here is about Liz. That's right, the vampire who hunts killers. That is a great character (she gets total short shrift in this picture), she could blow people away. First off, if she had been a cop and was bitten by a vampire in the line of work (you never explain how she became a vampire) and was forced to become a killer herself, you have there a great conflicted character who the audience can root for. Further, if she quits the force because she can no longer be a force for good in a conventional way, but decides, if she has to kill she will kill bad guys, that's gives her a purpose as a character. If you went this route, I would have her be in pursuit of the vampire who turned her into a vampire the way Dexter is in pursuit of his parent's killer. This vampire could be a guy who stages his killings to look like serial killings and you could take a detour into this small town where Ricky is up to no good. While she pursues this vampire, the FBI can be pursuing her, believing she is the one they are after. There could be a love interest in the form of the pursuing FBI agent who is torn between taking Liz down or going down on her. Of course, she has to finally catch the vampire and rid the world of him. This could end with her being seen as a hero by the FBI and her love interest while she has to hold onto her secret thus setting up a sequel.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. I hope they help and I realize that you threw this script together so one should expect it to be ragged, thin on characterization and full of plot holes. It is. But there is the kernel of an incredible movie in this. Good luck.

Best regards,

Walt