Three Little Words- Web Series

[Deleted]

Ok, I have a couple of questions.

1. Will you be shooting this yourself, or are you submitting it to someone else?

2. How much time is allotted for each webisode?

3. Out of curiosity, what program are you using to type up the script?

[songswithoutwords]

Hi Eric, welcome to the board and thanks for trusting us with a post!

I had a look, but being short on time this evening I read the first six pages and the last six.

In those pages I had three observations:

My first observation is that I don't actually need to read the rest.... I know from the first six and last six, all the most important elements of the story. Based on that I suggest that the story can be cut / compacted / rearranged somewhat.

Second observation is that the episodes are too short. By the end of episode 1 nothing has really happened. Rachel wakes up not remembering the night before, and so I assume she's a typical teenager who drank too much. There is not enough of a hook to keep me interested enough to wait for episode 2. (In the screenplay it's not a big deal, because I can just turn to the next page. But if these are episodes which are released days apart, I won't be back for ep 2.)

Try cutting the story into fewer episodes, to make each one longer, and either put something very dramatic in episode 1, or make Rachel an interesting enough character that I need to come back for more of her.

Last observation.... about the end. What comes out in those last pages is deadly serious and I don't think you've done enough work there. I would say someone who hasn't lived that kind of thing should not write about it. I've not been through it, but my sense of the world is that Rachel's trust in everyone would be shattered. She would resent Andrew. It would be a disaster. In your story, Rachel's reaction is almost like Todd tried to snatch her purse while she was waiting for the bus, and nothing more.

Then something less important but one of those things you need to think about: Todd gets hit on the head with a frying pan. Then Andrew and Rachel hug (I don't believe that, in that context, by the way). What next? Is Todd arrested? Is Rachel? Who presses charges? Or not? Why? How is Rachel's problem resolved by hitting Todd on the head? Sounds like it got worse.

Your ending is for me the moment where most movies would go into a second act. Rachel's problems, on so many levels, have just begun.

I suggest you go back and have another go at this one. I think it needs a restructure as a starting point and then each episode needs a good hook. Lastly, be careful about your theme because it's heavier than what you're writing. You may need to get into your "discomfort zone" to really address that topic.

Best of luck, and thanks again for trusting us with your post. Look forward to the next draft!

Andrew

[songswithoutwords]

Hi Eric,

Yep, for the record, her hitting him on the head with a frying pan is believable in that context. I was commenting more on the consequences of that action.

I did miss Jennifer's remark.

I'm quite sure that Rachel's reaction is difficult for you to balance.... after all, psychologically she is wrecked I would assume.. but how does it manifest itself? Shock? Anger? Withdrawal? Denial? Nothing at all? Difficult decisions for a writer to make. Also with the story as written you need to decide how she will react immediately after finding out, and again how she would be one week later.

I'm happy to see you're not discouraged and still pushing on. With that kind of spirit you'll find the way.

[ed]

Andrew,

Your comment about Rachel's reaction (both immediate and a week later) made me realize a huge flaw in my story.

Yikes.

See, this is why I needed imput.

If anyone is interested, please give it a go!

[Deleted]

I started it, but I need a few more days.

[LF]

Hey Ed,

I read this a few days ago but didn't have a chance to comment. I'd say Andrew's notes are right on the mark, so I won't repeat them.

One thing to think about when structuring your web series is that you want to try and get in an arc into each episode. Think of it like the sequence approach of writing a feature length script, or like writing a TV episode, where you have some sort of arc that peaks right before a commercial break.

A good way to create interest is to add more obstacles. For example, Andrew's only goal is to try and get with Rachel. The only thing in his way seems to be Todd. For 60 pages, he does not get a chance to talk to her, and that's all that happens for him until the very end. Give him some other choices to make, and more obstacles. This can make even someone opening a door interesting -- the protagonist could be trying to contain a monkey while opening the door. Will he make it?!!!

If the only problem is the one you have in your story, you take way too long to deal with it. Or at least, the end should be moved way earlier and you use the rest of the 60 pages to deal with the consequences.

Hope that helps! Out of curiosity, why did you decide to write a web series? Are you planning on making it yourself?

In any case, good luck with the next step!
L

[ed]

Brain- take your time. I look forward to all feedback!

LF- Firstly, I want to say I do appreciate your feedback. Don't get me wrong. In my eyes, I wrote it how you described. Each episode ends as if it were going to a break. Although, I admit a lot of the 'peaks' may not be as strong and may not be that obvious to a reader. I might have to rewrite a lot of those.

As far as Andrew goes, you're right. His goal (or intention) is to profess his love to Rachel. And, Todd is the only obstacle. Honestly, as this is the 8th draft-- I'm a bit dry for ideas. I felt Todd was enough of an obstacale. You got any ideas?

I guess I didn't share that I have an entire other season written. So, as people are commenting about having Rachel deal with what happens to her-- that all happens in the 2nd season.

And when it comes to making the plot faster and quicker--- the whole 'hook' of the 1st season is whether or not Andrew will be able to admit his love to Rachel. If it happens any sooner, the series would end right there.

I struggle with making it shorter because if you take the middle out-- these characters have nothing happening to them and by getting together faster, I think it would ruin the realness that this has.

My series is currently at what- 22 episodes? That's now about the standard season length of a web series.

I chose to write a web series mainly because I was going to attempt to film this myself. It almost happened, but it didn't work out.

So, I'm taking this time to improve the script.

In addition, I like the writing of a web series. The storytelling method is different and I like the idea of each episode ending on a dramatic moment.

But, really, this is my first try at this. So, I'll agree it needs to be re-worked.

[LF]

Okay if the first season is about Andrew admitting his love for Rachel, then you are still starting at the wrong spot! The way your series is structured now, it's more about "will Rachel see the light and get with the nice guy Andrew instead of Todd?" (The way your series improves on this basic plot is by making Todd way creepier than doucheier.)

But if your plan is...

S1 - Will Andrew admit his love for Rachel?
S2 - Will Rachel come to grips with what happened to her? And how will that affect her relationship with Andrew?

Then I think you should start S1 earlier, maybe at the end of high school. Develop Andrew's love for her. Make us care by showing us that he cares. And then put in obstacles that keep them apart and keep Andrew from telling her his feelings, etc.

Don't keep that going too long though. Let's say that takes about 1/4 of the series, so 12ish pages of that. (You could still do the bookend-ish opening.)

Then complicate things by introducing Todd. Maybe consider this next section your Act II and keep it going for 24ish pages. Make him genuinely charming and a good guy for the first half, and increasingly creepy the second. You still need other things going on though. Hopefully developing that first new bit will create some subplots you can explore. Finally, have the big moment happen after that and explore that moment and the following days in the last 12ish pages.

You can page it however you like and spread it over w/e episodes or w/e length, but I still say make it as short as possible. That way you only keep the good stuff, and filmmaking is way too much work to film bad stuff Though, as someone once told me after I finished my latest film, "anything worth doing is worth doing badly" lol

Good luck!
L

[ed]

Thanks L.

I had been thinking I should start the story with them still in high school, ready to graduate.

I could go on and on about my thoughts, but I don't want to hog the post.

You make valid points.

I will have to just crank up the brainstorming and hope I can improve this with the feedback I've gotten so far.