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Post by speakingofsegues on Aug 4, 2010 2:58:33 GMT -5
Hey everybody! I've been following GITS for a number of months now but this is my first post. I thought that, just having finally come up with something, I'd drop the "first draft" of my logline here for some feedback. A slight preface: It's a TV series, which I feel perhaps means the logline would be structured/built somewhat differently than that of a feature, but if anyone disagrees please feel free to state as such and offer feedback and suggestions. Title: The Choir Genre: One-hour dark comedy/drama Logline: A nostalgic idealist bends his morals and vows to beat a corrupt former mentor at his own game in order to restore law to his ethically bankrupt home town. Maybe a bit verbose, so any help is appreciated! I'll also be posting in the completed drafts section soon for feedback on a pilot script, so stay tuned if it sounds interesting. Thanks
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Post by mscherer on Aug 4, 2010 8:29:50 GMT -5
speakingofsegues,
I'll give this a shot, although the original if pretty good.
An idealist struggles with the realization that, in order to save his ethically bankrupt hometown, he must bend his morals to defeat a corrupt mentor.
Keep Writing!
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Post by speakingofsegues on Aug 4, 2010 11:24:47 GMT -5
Hey mscherer,
Thanks! I feel that your version still gets across pretty much everything I'm trying to say but does it a bit more succinctly.
Much appreciated!
Anyone else wanting to still take a stab, though, feel free.
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 5, 2010 10:55:59 GMT -5
I think this is lacking some much-needed specifics in order to have a shot at getting anyone interested:
"A nostalgic idealist bends his morals and vows to beat a corrupt former mentor at his own game in order to restore law to his ethically bankrupt home town."
"Nostalgic idealist" tells me almost nothing about the character. What is the "former mentor's" game, exactly? This would give us some information about what morals the idealist must bend. Must he steal? Must he lie? Must he kill? Must he toilet paper houses?
When is it? "Restoring law" kind of makes it sound like a western.
Clarifying some of those issues will help clarify what else needs to be clarified.
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Post by speakingofsegues on Aug 5, 2010 20:26:36 GMT -5
Hi Jonathan, Hmm, interesting point. I'm inclined to agree with you. Since I'm the one having trouble with this, maybe I can answer those questions for you and you can help me come up with another example? The City: -"when" is modern day. -pretty much the only city that has yet to bounce back from a New Great Depression/recession. Money still exists and still has meaning, but more powerful is who you know/what you have access to Main Character: -grew up in a foster home -became successful real estate agent before moving back (though we never see this as the show begins much after this fact) Former Mentor: -owner/philanthropist who used to run said foster home -now turned and operating an escort agency as a means to develop ties/gain favours/corrupt key power players in the city like judges, DAs, mayor, cops, etc. So the Main Character ends up starting his own escort agency in what is essentially an elaborate game of chess to take the Former Mentor out of business so that the city is back on its way up, which also means the Main Character can leave the city with his love interest now that it's safe to... but this process involves replacing the key figures in the city as part of taking the Former Mentor out of business/power/influence. It's Sopranos meets Breaking Bad set in Sin City. It's stylized (though not in the colour scheme of Sin City), gritty, and honestly a bit campy. It's meant to come across almost like a comic book would. As you can see I'm having a hard time figuring out how to try and capture everything in a logline, but as confusing as it is I promise you it makes sense So given that new information, any ideas that can convey all that a bit more efficiently?
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 6, 2010 10:49:27 GMT -5
Well, without having the time and concentration right now to try synthesizing all of that into a logline myself, I think at least some of the details you mentioned above need to be included.
First we had: nostalgic idealist, bends morals, corrupt mentor, game, ethically bankrupt
Now we're cooking with: city, Great Depression, philanthropist, escort agency, power players
Sure, maybe you can't squeeze every bit of information into the logline, but there's plenty to work with. Go forth.
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