To Hell With It

[anonymous1234]

Hey,

Sorry I haven't been coming here but I've been working on this latest.

Logline: A comedy about three guys who go down to the underworld in an attempt to get back a kidnapped boy who was taken by Satan.

www.sendspace.com/file/s8sgaa

Thanks in advance for your time and effort.

[jimmy7]

Hi
I read the first ten pages to get a feel for it.
I know it's a comedy and you can get away with a lot more in that genre but the way it moves straight from police to fbi to president etc is a little too corny and clearly would never happen. We're already suspending our belief a little to accept that the devil comes out of the oven - fair enough, quite a funny concept - but everything around that has to smack of a little more truth if you get what i mean?
Also, you need to re-write a lot of the language in there, e.g.:

A POLICE OFFICER is sitting as his desk not really caring
about his surroundings. The word to describe his expression
is bored.
He is watching his television.

Should be something like:

A bored looking POLICE OFFICER watches the tv.

I think the dialogue also needs a bit of work too.
I'm sorry if this sounds overly critical. I do think you have a decent premise here actually and i want to know what happens but I'd rather wait for the snappy re-write first.
Oh, and use active verbs. Sounds way better that way!
Hope this helps.

Jim

[anonymous1234]

First off, thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my work.

I totally understand your complaints about active verbs and action lines being overly long, however I don't quite see how the opening is corny.

Also, would you please elaborate as to what is wrong with the dialogue?

Once again, thank you so much for your time and patience.

[ed]

Hey. I read the first 16 pages and wrote some notes.

1. Your descriptions of people need to change. Do it “matter of factly.”

2. Your character names are clever. I like them.

3. I agree that the way the video gets to the president is odd and too quick. It plays very “direct to dvd”.

4. Maybe it was just me, but when everyone’s watching the video, I wasn’t sure if it really WAS a sex tape or what. I had to re-read it a few times to understand hoew the oven and cake came into play.

5. “Is it weird I got a boner?” -- This line is funny because of where it’s placed.

6.I think you should re-work the President so that he directly tells Seth and Joe it’s a fake video. When Seth and Joe leave, have the President panic. I think that’s funnier.

7.The scene with Derrik at Starbucks plays like Derrik is a kid. I mean, that’s how I pictured him.

8. I’m thinking—what is it in the video that people see that makes them think its real? We can do anything with special effects now—so this is a tough one.

9. “A big and ancient book.” --- Let’s say, “A large, leather bound, and dusty book.”