First feature length script - A Chance To Live

[jimmy7]

Hi folks,

Been a reader of the GITS blog for a while but only just noticed the GITSclub. Exactly what I'm looking for!

I've written a few short scripts but this is my first attempt at a feature. To be honest, I wrote it, re-wrote then re-wrote it some more. Got completely sick of it to that point that when i typed FADE OUT back in May I didn't open the file again until today - fresh eyes and all that.

Trouble is, the people that have helped me by reading and advising on my short scripts in the past have still not got round to reading this first draft and quite frankly, they've probably had enough of me badgering them.

Are any of you up for reading through and giving me some feedback? Be as harsh as you like - I'm a big boy now - I think the concept is good and exciting and surprisingly original. You may think otherwise.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. It's about a man who meets the reaper and is given a date to die, has to prove himself in order to turn it into a Chance to Live.

Again, your feedback would be great. Both on the actual storyline and in terms of writing style, pace, structure and characterisation.

Look forward to hearing from anyone out there!

Jim

Attachments:

[napolyphonic]

On page 69. Liking it so far. I think the dialogue is good, but I'm American so I can't judge the Brit-speak very well.

One quick note is there are a lot of little things wrong as far as misspelling or wrong names in places. Those problems are fixed easily. If you want a flashback sequence put FLASHBACK in the slugline instead of using an entire sentence to describe it after the slugline. Also, you might want to change whingeing to whining for Hollywood. I doubt a lot of them are going to read that word without having to pause. Just try and keep the English slang to more well-known idioms. I think it's all pretty neat, but it doesn't always translate well for us. Unless you're planning on getting this made there, or making it yourself, it's gonna need a little Americanizing.

But like I said, I like it. I had a hard time putting it down.

[songswithoutwords]

Hi jimmy7,

I was about to post the same kind of message at napolyphonic.

I had planned to read 10 pages before going to sleep, and now I am on page 50. I need to stop for this evening. I have some notes which I will post when I finish it.

Overall impression so far is that the story is good but there are some opportunities left unexploited. From my perspective the dialogue is 50/50. Some moments of good dialogue and others I would rework. At no time is there anything wrong or bad with the dialogue, but it hasn't engaged me much so far.

I'll be providing more helpful feedback here, as soon as I can....

Andrew

[jimmy7]

Thanks for these comments so far!
I'd wondered about the language used, had seen comments in other blogs/message boards discussing the Americanisation of English scripts.
I think i'll have another read through and perhaps try to change some of the more obscure words. Although if any jump out at you please let me know because I may not even realise - whining for whingeing for example - would have passed right over that one!
Thanks for your help so far and really look forward to hearing from you further.

Cheers
Jim

[napolyphonic]

Just finished. I think you're on to something here, but it's not done yet. Not sure what draft you're on, but it could use a couple more.

I like the characters and the banter between the friends. I like the reapers and the subplot in purgatory. It's probably a little much for cinema. I'm trying to picture that on a screen and it's a little wonky, but it's interesting nonetheless.

The Brit-speak is gonna need some changing if you want to use this for anything in America. For example, at the end when Dave says "I'm on nine points. Can't afford a ban." I have no idea what this means. And the word "skittled" means nothing to me as well. I can assume he punched the guy or something, but I don't know what skittled specifically refers to. This leads to a lot of little jokes or moments meaning absolutely nothing to a primarily American audience. I don't have the time to list every word that threw me, but maybe if you read a lot more screenplays, you could get the typical language in your head and try and stick to it.

I think you should spend more pages on this story, by which I mean you could add more material. You're only at 94 pages. You could add another ten easily. And if you get rid of a lot of those CUT TO:'s (and you should), you'll probably have a few more pages. Right now everything feels very brief. All the good moments sort of get mowed over by the brevity of the sentences and of the dialogue. It's fine to zoom through certain parts of the story, but others need to have time spent on them, words spent on them. So when you see a moment like when Jamie first jumps in front of the train, spend more page on it. When he jumps in the water at the end, spend more page on it, because this is a catharsis moment that doesn't feel any different than any other moment.

I think he should be more surprised when he gets hit by the car and lives. Right now he seems to be like a super hero who knows his strength, but is trying to hide it. When he gets hit and lives, he should RUN away from it because he's scared. When he decides to test the power, when he jumps in front of the train, there needs to be more dilemma, more conflict. I was thinking maybe he doesn't jump from a height, but instead steps in front of it, gets scared and jumps out of the way. Another train comes and he gets up the courage and lets it hit him. This way there's more drama surrounding that moment. And when he lives after getting splatted against the front of a train, it's more amazing.

I think the first half had better dialogue than the second half, so just try and get the whole thing more consistent.

This was good, especially for your first feature. Better than my first. I'm halfway through a third and fourth feature right now, and I feel like I've learned a lot just from having done a second and working on these two. So get this one exactly how you want it and then get going on a second.

Great work!

-G

[jimmy7]

Thanks for those comments Napolyphonic.
It's a first draft actually. Normally i'd try to work things through before putting them out for people to read but i really wasn't sure about this one - it felt like a good idea and it felt original but i wasn't sure i'd got the right angle on the story. Your comments help and i think it's worth working with.
I take your points regarding language and will definitely look at that (by the way, skittled means when you knock something over i.e. when the ball knocks over the skittles in a bowling alley, they've been skittled - or don't you call them skittles over there?? blimey, same language yet so different eh!!).
CUT TO's have been really bugging me but i was told to use them when i did a scriptwriting course a while back. Really pleased you mentioned that, they're all going. And i think you're right regarding being hit by the car plus those other key moments. Sometimes it takes somebody else to tell you those things though doesn't it.
Thanks again.

Would really welcome anybody else's thoughts on this before i begin a 2nd draft. Even if you don't fancy reading the whole thing, just whipping through the first few pages would really help!

Jim

[napolyphonic]

It's a good first draft.

We call them pins over here. Like bowling pins. It is pretty interesting how different the language can be. They really aren't the same.

You should keep a few CUT TO's, but only for particular points. For the most part, going from one scene to the next usually speaks for itself. I used to use a lot of them, but now I pretty got rid of them altogether.

[songswithoutwords]

Hi jimmy7,

Sorry a little slow to get through your script. Last night I printed it out and started again on page 1 and made my notes on each page, which is a good sign that I'll have something for you soon. Bad news is that I ran out of time again and stopped on page 40. So I'll be back at it in the next days and then will have some notes for you.

My 13-year-old daughter saw the script on the table and asked me about it. I told her "it's an election year in reaperland and they've decided to offer people a chance to live." I know, I oversimplified it. A lot. But she's smart, can put the pieces together. She thought about it for a second and then just said "I'd go see that."

I'll post again soon,
Andrew

[jimmy7]

Well they say write what your film's about in 25 words or less so for me that's a good simplification and a nice response from your duaghter. Let's hope you think after reading it all through.
I look forward to receiving your notes!

Jim

[songswithoutwords]

Hi Jim,

I've read it one and a half times, and slept on it for a few nights. Not literally, you understand. But thought about it. Had ideas while riding my bike as well. It's been on my mind.

My daughter asked me about it again last evening. Told me she loves the election idea. So do I.

Here are my notes. Actually these are more like a dialogue. These are the things I would throw out at you if you were sitting across from me, expecting half of them to be rejected out of hand, and probably rightfully so. So it’s a mix of critique and counterpoint and random ideas… pick and choose, as you see fit.

First off:
I enjoyed it. I think in the middle, where you focus on Beth and Jamie and their building relationship, is the best part of it. Later on in the feedback I'll give some specifics on pages and moments I liked in particular.

I think the writing improved as the pages progressed. Two possibilities: You wrote it in order and improved as you went, or I got more engrossed in the story and perceived the writing to be improving. I think it's the former. The screenplay develops a kind of confidence as it goes along which is nice. I think you're more economical near the end.

For a first screenplay, first draft, unusually well structured and executed.

Tone and vocabulary

I like the Brit tone and vocabulary, and wouldn’t change it. I think when reading the story, the meaning of some words goes over the heads of North Americans (myself included) (Canadian). But, on the screen in context of action, delivered by an actor, the meaning will be perfectly clear. Guy Ritchie gets away with it, and personally I love it. His box office receipts ain’t bad. Go with your voice and keep the current vocab. One man’s opinion.

Beginning, up to page 40 or so...

I have a note on page 17 that states "Most time spent with Bernie so far. Who is the protag?" I still wasn't sure at that point whether it would be a story about Jamie. In fact, I suspected it would be a story about the reapers and the election. It wasn't clear, and I was anxious to see who this would be about and to know who I could get attached to.

In the first 40 or so pages we cut between two different worlds: The world of the living and purgatory. I don’t ever get the sense of any integration between them, any co-existence.

In the world of the living, a deadbeat loses his grandfather.

In purgatory there's an election going on, major policy changes, dangerous overcrowding, fear of sudden annihilation, and a central committee/dictatorship style government.

From an action and story point of view, there's more going on in purgatory. And little or none of it gets resolved by the end of the story. This election in purgatory, the overcrowding issue, the “proof of concept” about CTL, the reapers encroaching on each other’s territory, and even Bernie’s status as a reaper, are all threads which start and are left unresolved. Be aware that as an audience member, those things were really interesting to me, and when the story left purgatory behind, I was disappointed to not see how they would be resolved.

Here comes the first of my random ideas: In purgatory people are neither in heaven nor hell. They are going about their jobs each day, with the pressure of quotas, the fear of their boss, etc. Purgatory is exactly the same as the living world. To that end, I think you could enrich the screenplay with ways in which purgatory and the real world are the same. Existence sucks in both places.

I think you could link the two worlds with visual references and similar behaviours between the inhabitants. You’ve already started this with the ambulance chasers and territorialism. Best of all, you’ve created an opportunity for much more of this: The election. What would happen if there were an election going on in the real world as well? You could play one election off the other. For example, what if the election promises in each world were in conflict?

Election in purgatory: Politicians promise to reduce overcrowding. Chance to Live initiative. Idea: Could they supplement this initiative with a promise to increase the number of deaths for people who go straight to heaven, rather than to purgatory? Then reapers can meet their quotas without overcrowding purgatory…
Election in the living world: Politicians promise to reduce violent crime and improve health care, guaranteeing everyone longer life.

All this could be an opportunity for some irony, humour.

(Be very careful about the idea above. My intention is to introduce another layer, and nothing more. Overall, you need to keep focused on Jamie and Beth, and what I just wrote is a major distraction from that.)

Another way this election could play into your story at the beginning is with Beth.

Page 15: Beth’s looking for a story, but doesn’t have any ideas, right? She also doesn’t have a camera according to page 6. As currently written, the scene on page 15 cuts into the intrigue in purgatory, and doesn’t tell us much about Beth or her environment that we don’t already know. What I can suggest, is that instead of shooting nothing, Beth has found herself an election campaign speech to cover. Except she’s standing near the back. Taking pictures with her phone. And all around her are professionals, with Canon SLRs and special lenses. She’s outclassed and she knows it. THEN, her phone rings, and the short dialogue takes place. I like the short dialogue in that scene, by the way.

Ok, enough about the election idea. At the very minimum, I think you need to resolve the election in purgatory at the end. Beyond that, you could try to parallel it in the living world.

For some reason I thought of an alternative sequence of scenes for this first part. I’m putting it here to think about, even if I’m not sure it would be better.

On page 8, Jamie recounts to Harvey that he saw the reaper. They’re in the pub. I thought of this sequence from there:

1) Friends get Jamie to lighten up after seeing the reaper. Forget about it, etc. etc.
2) Bernie learns about CTL concept
3) Jamie is hit by car outside pub. Survives!
4) Bernie sees that Jamie is his CTL
5) Bernie confronts Jamie in his apartment
6) T-Shirt shop. Jamie ignores the customer. He’s staring at a stapler he has positioned over two fingers. He staples his fingers together. Staple pops back out; his fingers heal immediately. Then the scene continues with Dave Rave.
7) Based on the stapler, the car crash, and Bernie, Jamie decides to test his immortality.

I actually like those scenes as they are and don’t suggest you change them, except for their sequence, and adding a little something in the T-Shirt shop. Currently in the T-Shirt shop scene, Jamie is standing around pensive. I think it is more dramatic if his obsessive thinking about what’s happened to him manifests itself somehow, like with a stapler.

Middle
I like the middle. I didn’t make many notes there. You focused on the right things from my point of view. This story is about Jamie and Emily. The characters are Jamie and Beth, but it’s about Jamie and Emily.

One small comment: I think in the diving school scene (which I love for the whole wetsuit bit), Jamie would have not been able to recover from Beth’s call out about Emily, as quickly as he did. That would hurt too much. Not sure how to change it, though. Unless you have a brilliant idea on how to change it, I would leave it as is. Just seems a little quick.

End
I didn’t find the end satisfying. I’ll list some reasons:

• Beth gets shot directly as a result of Jamie’s earlier stunt with the drug dealers, and his dumping of the cocaine.
  
• Jamie didn’t save Beth. He simply avoided killing her as a reaper. It would be nice if he did something, anything, to be a part of the solution.
  
• Beth is in hospital and has no job.
  
• Sharon is offering Beth a job, which means that Sharon remains in a position of authority. Would be great to add a short scene with a reaper following Sharon around.
  
• Jamie has no job.
  
• No resolution between Jamie and Emily. Is he at peace with her? Or just happy to not be afraid of water anymore?
  
• Jamie has at best one week to live, as far as I can tell. He was fully identified during the news broadcast, and has the reputation (further confirmed when he gets up at the embankment) of being immortal. In the story, he’s afraid someone will come up and try to kill him to prove he can die. So I get the feeling that’s what’s coming to him now.
  

One moment I really liked at the end was when Jamie approached Beth and realized he was her reaper. That was perfect for me: Unexpected and inevitable.

Characters

In theatre class in school, the teacher made us go through a team-building exercise called “I like you, but…” We had to stand in a circle, and each person had to choose someone opposite him/her and finish that sentence at them, throwing out as many 'buts' as possible. The idea was for us to get it all on the table, clear the air, release the tension, so we could work together.

Jim, I sincerely like your characters. I followed them through 93 pages, and they are good. BUT, here are some observations which you might think about in advance of a second draft. People could say the following, of the characters:

Bernie.
Doesn’t develop. He was a slacker in life. What makes him special? Why should we like him? Does he regret what he did or failed to do in life? Can he make up for it, get out of purgatory?

Beth.
I’m worried about Beth. Is she Jamie’s accessory, or her own woman? She doesn’t seem to like her job. She’s latched on to him. And he’s gotten her shot. She’s lost her job over him. All this, for a man who will only hold on to her to assuage his guilt and/or as a 2nd-rate replacement for his lost adolescent love.

Jamie.
He comes out of this without a fear of water, but otherwise worse off for the reasons I mention in the section on the end. The way he speaks to Joe on page 5 makes him really an arsehole.

Emily.
A better developed character than Beth, I would say. But her story is unresolved to me.

Everything else

It’s getting late in Central European Time and I have to get off to bed. Here are the remainder of my minor notes throughout the script.

Character descriptions tended to go a little too long for my taste. I suggest sticking to the physical aspects more than the attitude.

Character Bev can be confused with Beth. I suggest to change Bev’s name.

Lots of scenes throughout this story in pubs, wine bars, sitting around, talking in cars… try getting some of this stuff out into other locations. For this I had one idea. When Slash and Bernie first speak to each other, they could be in a locker room, changing out of their cloaks into jeans and regular clothes. Maybe reapers wear normal clothes when off duty.

(I had another random idea. I don’t know where this one comes from. What if reapers can’t fly? They have to take the bus or a car or a bicycle just like anyone else… I don’t know, the possibilities for comic relief, especially when they are competing for a score, seemed endless to me.)

Pg 5: I got confused on whether Harvey and Jamie were walking or stopped. And I think “10 seconds max” could be “3 seconds max”. 10 seconds in movie time is forever…

Pg 6, top: I think you put the character name JOE on the dialogue when you meant to put JAMIE

Pg 9: “Two one, come on”. That dialogue seemed real to me somehow. Liked it.

Pg 10: I like Whistle speaking in alliteration

Pg 12: I can imagine the poor woman’s POV, with the 3 reapers and the clueless smiling paramedic. Love that moment.

Pg 14: Last line. The letter A should be capitalised.

Pg 26: Bernie “don’t make me laugh” seemed out of character. I think that sentence can be deleted without losing anything from that line of dialogue.

Pg 27: LOVED Dave Rave “Didn’t think you’d take the whole day off.”

Pg 32, 33: References to his scar. It wouldn’t be a scar yet. Maybe a gash, instead?

Pg 33: Beth “this is weird”. I can’t imagine how that would play out on the screen or how the actress would say it, how Jamie would react. I think you can delete that line with no negative effect on the scene. Somehow, I think you should.

Pg 34: Jamie “What do you really want Beth” would somehow seem more natural to me as “What do you want Beth”.

Pg 35: LOVED Dave Rave’s rant on Jamie’s customer filtering scheme.

Pg 41: Jamie’s line “It’s been nothing but _____ (?) ever since I met you”

Pg 44: Loved that he closed his laptop when she entered his apt.

Pg 46: Beth: “where’s the evidence?” I think that sentence can come out with no negative effect. Somehow it slows down the line.

Pg 47: Beth is scrawling head case a lot of times. And again. Maybe the second time, just before she crumples the paper, she could simply underline it as if to confirm it. Otherwise the audience is drawn to that image twice, and the actress has to does it over and over...

Pg 49: LOVE Sharon’s whole “tick tock” thing.

Pg 80, I made a comment to myself on the page: “Why is Jamie so resigned to die, just as he’s met this woman. Is she not special enough for him to regret his pending death?”

Summary

Thanks for the good read, the entertainment, and for giving me something to think about for a couple of days. You really did a good job of structuring your story and tying ends together, albeit with a couple of exceptions mentioned above. I hope you will follow through with another draft and I hope to have a chance to read it. If you like my election ideas, remember not to get too distracted by them. Keep with Jamie, Beth, and Emily. They're what I'd come back for.

All the best,
Andrew

[fastfreddie]

Damn Andrew... those were the exact same notes I was going to give.

Andrew,

GREAT NOTES... if there was a reviewer of the month contest... you'd have my vote.

These peer review sites only work because of reviewers like you... not only do you sacrifice your time and energy... but you also provided outstanding and insightful notes. If I was wearing a hat... I would take it off for you. Nice job.

Derek

[jimmy7]

They're great notes Andrew, thanks very much. The greatest compliment you give it is that it's been on your mind for a couple of days.

I quite like a couple of your ideas - the dual election (in both worlds) is something i toyed with initially but discarded because i thought it might detract from the story. Now that you put it like that, i think you may be right so i'll have a good think about working that in.

Beth taking photos with her camera is a great idea too. Wish i'd thought of that myself. Pretty sure that bit's going in so thanks for that!

Napolyphonic thought it was a little short so perhaps an extra ten pages or so working in those ideas and developing other areas wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Good points about the characters. I think i need to have a good think about that. I completely accept what you're saying in terms of (lack of) development in a couple of them and they need work.

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned the 'tv interview at the office' scene. I fully expected to be shot down in flames for this because i'm not sure how feasible it is. Did that work for you all?
(Come on Derek, don't just tell me that your notes were exactly the same as Andrew's!!!).

Interestingly, i took ages to complete the first ten pages or so and then whizzed through the rest in about the same amount of time. Maybe i write better when i'm not thinking too hard about it? The longest amount of time was spent structuring the plot actually so i'm not sure why i spent so long on the start, especially when you think the latter part of the script was written better.

Time to have a think about some of those unresolved areas. Thanks again!

Jim

[songswithoutwords]

Hi Jimmy,

I agree that the best part is that I have been thinking about it for days. It has some sticking power.

I had another idea this morning, on my bike. Don't know how well this will work, but something to think about.

Jamie is standing over Beth's body, and has realized he's a reaper. It's the worst moment of his life... or rather, second worst. Then he looks up, and there's Emily standing directly in front of him. Turns out, she's in purgatory. There's some kind of dialogue between them, where you can see that Jamie finally "got it" (don't know how that would work), and where she acknowledges it before saying that she's free to move on to heaven now, as this open point in her life is now closed.

That scene can be intercut with the scene of the reapers debating Jamie's fate.

Just a thought about how to fit in the resolution with Emily without ruining the flow of the story.

By the way, the TV camera scene worked very very well for me.

[jimmy7]

Really like this latest idea of yours too.
Now that you have flagged it up, it's so obvious that some of these other plot lines need a proper resolution. I think i was concentrating too much on the main plot to notice.

Anyway, i'm just finishing a script for my first short film which we're going to be shooting in Greenwich (i hope) very soon so I'll finish that and then get on with the second draft of this.

Thanks for all your feedback so far. It will be about a week before i start the re-write so of there's any further feedback to come from anyone I'm still very interested to hear.

Cheers for now.
Jim

[paulmackie]

I've been reading this on and off for a few days now and just got finished. I thought it was a really pretty top job and really well thought out. It's the first full length script I've read from the board and I think it sets the bar pretty high, makes me think my first feature lengther should be scrapped and started again from scratch to be honest. Don't think I can add anything that Andrew hasn't said already, that guy really knows his stuff. I think the thing that was noted that I agree the most with is about the need to have the two worlds have more of an effect on each other, just makes sense to me that things that happen in the land of the living would effect the afterlife but I'm sure there are ways that it could work the other way too. Anyway I very much enjoyed it and wish you luck with the redraft.

Paul