Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2010 16:11:26 GMT -5
Oh it is soooo J-Mess from now on....
You sir, have just been nicknamed.
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Post by openup on Jul 31, 2010 18:56:04 GMT -5
Hi again. It certainly is a more hopeful ending, and now I understand your thoughts behind that last sequence. The thing is, as a "spectator", I already understood what you wanted to show, from the scene where Jacob and Logan stay alone in the room, and take the first steps toward becoming friends (Logan asks about Jacob's dad, they draw together). It was quite obvious that's the direction their relationship will take. I hope you understand my reasoning. No disagreements, though, with what you said, and wrote. Just my thoughts. And why don't you try something else? Yeah, Nicholl seems to be the top, but I hear that the Screenwriting Expo is also good, and quite known, as well as others, like Slamdance, Sundance... Such competitions are good places to meet producers, and pitch, from what I've heard. This is a good script, and it should get some exposure. I know I'm not offering any constructive criticism now, and you probably know all these things already, but it's just my opinion. P.S: I'll stick with napolyphonic's comments on the sluglines. Not that it takes away from the story, no, but as far as I know, that's a good piece of advice.
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Post by Jeff Messerman on Jul 31, 2010 22:31:37 GMT -5
J-Mess.
I love that.
I want shirts, bumper stickers, lapel pins, da' works. Get on it people. I feel a marketing push coming on.
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 1, 2010 13:00:40 GMT -5
I feel there is an artist behind this work that needs to come to terms with the art form he wants to use to express himself. I get what you're saying. As I was writing, I was aware of the more prosaic passages, but decided to go with it as I think they're in line with the tone of the script. Whenever I finally try to write a comedy or an action script, the style will get chucked for sure. But thinking back to my first scripts, I realized I was writing in fear, hoping to avoid getting exactly this kind of comment. But with this script, I decided that if I didn't write the way I felt like writing, then what was the point? I want the person who's reading to feel that they're in the hands of an actual writer, as opposed to a "story typer." When reading produced and purchased scripts lately, I've been struck by how little connection the writer seems to have to the material. I understand story always comes first, but if you've got a story worth telling it seems to me it's worth telling it with a little bit of passion. I want there to be something present in the script that can be described as my "voice." I don't want the writing to be so flat that it seems like the script existed without me and simply needed to transcribe it from the ether.
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 1, 2010 13:01:56 GMT -5
I want shirts, bumper stickers, lapel pins, da' works. Get on it people. I feel a marketing push coming on. Glow-in-the-dark boxers.
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Post by outofcontext on Aug 1, 2010 20:27:26 GMT -5
Jonathan,
You misunderstand my use of prosaic; I didn't mean the actual prose used in setting the scene and action. Rather I meant in the pacing and subject matter and this may be a weakness of my own vision. The piece has a novella feel about it structurally and dramatically--and once again this may be a minority, and definitely unprofessional, opinion. What you feel may be passion, to me feels like control--the control available to a novelist but maybe not appropriate for a screenwriter. A novel presupposes a bit of patience and allows a greater level of overt expression, subtlety of vision and thoughtful deliberation. Cinema demands a visual and overtly dramatic presentation and that is more up to the performance and direction and editing. When screenwriting, my goal is to give the actors good lines they can make their own and the director dramatic scenes she can interpret any way she likes (that's the goal--unfortunately, I'm not good enough to get near it). I think this is a good thing, as a matter of fact, and what I'm saying is I'd rather read this novel than see this movie. Sorry if I sound pretentious and I resent you for getting me to use the words 'cinema' and 'film', but there you have it. Listen, I'm still very amateur at this--I'm just trying to work this stuff out as I learn a form of writing which is new to me and very demanding, so, like anything, this may be more about me than you--so I guess it may be both pretentious and egotistical. Anyway, you got me thinking and I appreciate that. --John
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 1, 2010 22:38:47 GMT -5
I'm with you now, and I can't entirely disagree. It has occurred to me to perhaps someday take a shot at this story as a novel/novella. I kind of doubt I'm cut out for that sort of thing, but I guess until I finished a script I didn't believe I was cut out for that either (the simple act of completion, to say nothing of quality). I come more from a poetry background, so the economy required with screenwriting appeals to me.
I do, though, believe there's a movie in here. Not one that will play in multiplexes, but a movie nonetheless. Maybe it just needs a producer to suggest adding a dramatic track-fire scene at the Derby to truly come into its own.
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Post by drapopolus on Aug 31, 2010 22:57:51 GMT -5
I've been meaning to read this one for a while now so I signed up, jumped over to the download section and, lo and behold, I can't download it. I should point out that I'm currently in China and have to go through a proxy. Case in point, I'd really like to read this banger. Would it be possible for you to email me a copy? You can find my email address in my profile, I guess.
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Post by Jonathan on Aug 31, 2010 23:55:27 GMT -5
drapopolus -- Yes, I can email it to you. I'll do so shortly. Thanks for expressing interest. @everyone else who read my script and has since posted work of their own -- I apologize for not having offered any feedback on any drafts that have been posted in the past month or so. I resurfaced on the board and posted my script after a few months of little in the the way of writing activity (amidst a much, much longer period of unemployment), but just after doing so, lo and behold some (temporary) employment found me. So now I'm having a hard time recalibrating so as to balance practical and creative concerns. In short, once I settle into the new reality, I should be more useful as far as looking at the work other people share here. Maybe this was an overlong explanation for something no one was concerned about, but there it is nonetheless.
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