What Name You're Given

[Jonathan]

"The son of a semi-pro race car driver desperately wants to impress his father by winning the Pinewood Derby, the date of which coincides with his father's execution."

No gunfights or time travel or werewolves here. If you're craving an action-packed read, then this is not the script to pick up.

I like to think this one is probably best read once the sun has gone down and you're feeling a bit pensive. And I guess I'm hoping someone out there might spend some time with it and let me know if I'm a little bit right or a whole lot wrong. It's appreciated.

I was around here a few months back when the board started up, but got sidetracked shortly thereafter. I hope to be around more often now and chime in on some things.

Attachments:

[Jeff Messerman]

I remember you well Jonathan. You're the one who trashed EC back in the day.

Guess what... I'm about at the halfway point of your project and I think, on the strength of this work, you may be completely forgiven.

Oh my God.

This is wonderful stuff.

More to come... if my kids become drones to Cartoon Network after dinner, "What Name You're Given" will own me for the rest of the night.

Shit, it already owns me.

Again, to reiterate... Oh My God.

Jeff

[Jonathan]

I appreciate the kind words, Jeff. Now let's see if that sentiment carries all the way through to the end...

[mydoggeorge]

Wow, that was an awesome story. Really liked it.

The only thing that I would have liked to see is Christine having a profound impact on what happened with Jacob's Dad, her former husband. I'm not sure what, but maybe a little sadness to everything that happened. It seemed like she didn't learn her lesson, or maybe that was the irony of the whole thing.

Anyway - it was an excellent read. Nicely done.

[oz]

Hi Jonathan

Enjoyed the read a great deal. Not a lot of notes, but this is what I had:

Pg 33---Rebecca's store list---LOL funny, very NICE : )

Pg 54 -- "This world didn't do nothing but let me live and I lived wrong." BEAUTIFUL !

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rebecca : ) She cracks me up and steals every scene she's in. Well written.

My only concern for the entire script is that you don't give us a break from the doom and gloom. I'd like to see some ebb and flow so that the gloom seems REALLY gloomy. As it is right now, it's ALL gloom which makes me worry that it loses it's impact.

If you break it down just to page 30----
1: mean boys/wounded bird
2: mean boys @ school
3: @ prison
4: sex - this breaks up the tension with the kids but it still has an ick factor that keeps it in the gloom category
5: Henry's never there & favor's Blake
6:David's a shitty dad and husband
7: @ prison
8: mean kids 4 square
9: grounded
10: prison

Don't misunderstand, I think they're all wonderful scenes and well written, but it's just like having a tender moment in a comedy, you need some lightheartedness to break up the gloom or you come to expect it all to be gloom and you actually see it coming. You want it to have an impact and without the ebb and flow, there's no impact. After a while, I stopped hurting for any of them and that's not good. While Rebecca is FABULOUS and steals every scene, you need more and something before page 30, in my opinion.

Overall, very nice. Loved the execution scene. And because the story was so strong, didn't even care about the verbs or novelistic tone ; )

[Deleted]

Sounds like this one could be heavy. I will read it in a few days. Not in the right frame of mind right now. It sounds like it is a great read from the other comments so I will read it later for sure.

[openup]

Read it.

What can I say? That's one of those screenplays I'd love to watch on the big screen, because it's... Beautifully executed.

I loved the way you write. Me being a russian, your script was a very good resource of words, and expressions I didn't know.

I really rooted for the characters, and especially in the end, the whole third act kept me on edge (the races in particular)! I don't see any flaws with this one, truly... Maybe I'm inexperienced in this kind of thing - judgement, but I don't know... It seemed... Whole.

Great read!

And, if I may... What are you planning to do with it? Because in my opinion, it has great potential... Just out of curiosity.

[jimmy7]

It's not as heavy as I expected from some of the other comments so don't let that bother you.

This was a good read, a page turner with well defined characters and decent plot.

In the interest of contructive criticism, and because me patting you on the back and telling you how wonderful you are isn't going to make you a better writer, this is what I'd say:

**SPOILER ALERT**
I wouldn't have him win the race - it's a little bit too obviously squeaky clean and kind of runs against logic given that the car was broken anyway - an honourable loser would have done it better for me (but then I'm English, we don't do happy endings in quite the same way as you lot!).

I also don't think you need the very last scene on the park with the cars - the audience already have their coats on by now surely - just leave it with the bird scene and it completes a nice book-end with the beginning of the film.

Some people commented that my script had a lot of language in it that Americans weren't familiar with, well, this is the same for me - I had no idea what a 'bracket' was until I worked it out at the end when the races were in progress and had never heard of a Pinewood Derby. I'm sure this isn't a problem - particularly when America is where it all happens - but just thought I'd mention the fact that all readers might not get certain aspects.

The Henry character needs a little more definition during his introduction. I thought he was her brother and she was looking after his child or something like that and only got that they were a couple right at the end. Maybe that was me reading too quickly, not sure, but I did go back over that bit and still wasn't sure.

One last thing. I was taught that to make it an even better read, use more active verbs. For example:
David double checking, making sure everything's packed up.
becomes:
David double checks, makes sure everything's packed.
In the main, you do this anyway but there are a few areas of the script where -ing happens quite a bit.

So, a really good story, could easily imagine it on the screen and please don't take my comments as negative because they certainly aren't.
Out of interest, how long have you been working on it?

Jim

[openup]

Well, since jimmy7 is right, I think I'll make a few comments as well. On some of the things he mentioned.

For me, if you leave it at the bird scene, that will be a little too abrupt. So, I think the last scene with the car race is okay. Nevertheless, here's a thought that also raced through my mind as I was reading: is the whole sequence really necessary (bikes - bird - playgroud/race)? I get it that it kinda "defines" Jacob as a character, when he decides to kill the bird, instead of leaving it where it lies, but... For me, when you write that FADE TO BLACK after he walked out of Blake's room, it was the end. It was already a complete story.

Obviously, I can't comment about the language. Your script, as I mentioned earlier, was a resource for me, so...

Also a comment on Henry: does he dislike Jacob, in the start? Why? Because he's not his kid, and he's "weird"? But then, if he's trying to "be with" Christine, doesn't he need to be more understanding, from the beginning? I saw the way he finally evolved, and became an "okay guy", but initially, I really disliked him. Maybe you don't need to create that kind of sentiment toward him from the first time he appears? (But and again, maybe that's just me.)

I hope you won't take offence in my comments, as well. They're just thoughts.

[Jonathan]

Hey everyone, thanks for the feedback so far. When I find some time this afternoon I'll chime in with thoughts on some things you've all mentioned. Some of your comments mirror things that were going through my head while writing.

I wonder if Mr. Messerman ever finished, or if he gave himself over to Cartoon Network, as well.

[Jonathan]

Let's see here. Sorry if this gets somewhat long-winded:

oz: I love Rebecca, too. She was by far the most "fun" character to write. She's kind of my favorite. Regarding the "doom and gloom," I understand what you're saying. In those first 30 pages you mention, I had hoped the following would serve as acceptable "up" moments (not trying to be argumentative, just outlining intent):

(a) Jacob and the presidents question at at school -- in my mind's eye, when he answers one correctly ("So very pleased with himself"), I picture him with a triumphant smile, and I kind of laugh at his foolish pride, since he didn't completely answer the question. Of course that's very clear to me when I "direct" it in my head, but perhaps not so clear on the page.

(b) Almost all of the prison scenes, save for the one around p. 54, I tried to keep fairly light, relatively speaking. Enthusiasm about the race, Jacob joking about his dad's lopped-off finger, even Jacob playing thumb-war with a guard (in the background). The intent was to keep these scenes almost "happy," at least as far as Jacob is concerned, because he's thrilled to get to see his dad and to that point ignorant that things won't somehow be okay. But, to your point, prison is prison.

(c) Blake firing the little football into Henry's nose, then spitting up on him. Maybe gets a chuckle, or maybe it's predictable.

(d) Henry's pathetic man-to-man talk with Jacob. Again, in my mind's eye he's comically futile in that scene, but maybe it doesn't quite read that way.


jimmy7: I went back and forth about whether or not to have Jacob win the race. And there could definitely be something valuable in the "honorable loser" ending, as it's a lesson everyone should learn. But you're right, I do imagine a hypothetical American audience being let down if he doesn't win, even if it seems almost too good to be true. Thanks for pointing out the verb issue. I'm sure there are others aside from your example. I'll need to give those some attention. And to your final question, this was my third script, and the first time it started to feel like it was starting to click. I cooked the story up over several months from, oh, last August-November. Then wrote a detailed outline and finished the first draft in six weeks. This is the third draft, though the outline served me well. It hasn't changed a whole lot.


openup: Much as I debated whether Jacob should win or lose, I also was tempted to end the script when he leaves Blake's room that night. I was very, very close to doing it, in fact. It was the thing I struggled with most before sending my PDF off to be rejected by the Nicholl. I agree that the final scenes with Logan are very much an epilogue. But I think they matter, and I'll say why. As much as the story is about Jacob beginning to learn what kind of person he needs to be, specifically as it relates to his baby brother, personally, my faith in his ability to continue becoming that person is tied to his new friendship with Logan. Even if they're each other's only friend, having at least one person you can relate to is a huge thing to have as you navigate childhood and adolescence. He's going to have issues with his dad's death. His home life with his mom and Henry is far from settled. He's had a rough go of it, and that might continue. Without a friend, I question his ability to keep it all together and become the role model his brother will need. Likewise, I see Jacob as serving that same function for Logan. I think it's an even more hopeful ending, and that's what I was aiming for.

Thanks for bearing with me through all of that. Disagreements are welcomed.

[napolyphonic]

Just finished this. Liked it. It feels really prosaic both in the writing style and the content, so I'm not really sure how that would translate to film, but it's definitely nice.

One thing that's strange though is what this movie is about. It's about more than Jacob, obviously, but that's the central story. The tone flirts both with a children's movie as well as with a very adult drama. Little Children comes to mind for some reason. The only thing that kept me turning the page was the characters. I wanted to know how each one of them dealt with the situations in which they were placed. Other than that, I'm not sure if it's anything but a character study. A good excerise, but not necessarily cinematic. The most cinematic part was the intercut when Paul was being executed, which was very good, by the way.

But I do want to emphasize, I did like it quite a bit, but I'm not sure what to think of it.

Some format suggestions: when you're in the same location (i.e. pg 42/55), don't use a full slugline. Use INT. PALEY HOUSE, LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT for the first bit in that location, then use KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS, or just KITCHEN as a slugline until you move locations or times of day. It reads better especially when you're cutting from one room to another multiple times per page. This is used frequently.

Thanks for the good read. Keep it up!

-G

[Jeff Messerman]

Mr. Messerman did indeed finish however he is stymied gathering his thoughts so as not to come off as some sort of hyperbolic fanatic and leave feedback that the author will deem as utterly useless.

He will say, however, that it is one of the best drafts he's read in quite some time... enough to take him away from the 40 day challenge exercise... that's right, you beat out the Wachowski's, happy now?

So Mr. Messerman is going to hopefully get some version of his reactions to Jonathan before the weekend is out as well as contact the author about a possible next step in this script's evolution.

He will also, we can hope, stop referring to himself in the third person at some point.

JM

[Jonathan]

Home late, so some brief responses:

napolyphonic: Perhaps the highest compliment that can be paid a screenwriter is that his characters keep a reader reading. Even if the rest of it seems to lack pure cinematic pizazz, it feels good to know that the people you met seemed worth knowing. It gives me hope that it was a worthwhile project.

@jeff Messerman: No pressure intended, just my writer's insecurity shining through. Might I also suggest not abandoning the third person entirely, but simply shifting to calling yourself "J-Mess." It could really catch on with the youth.



And to everyone, thanks for reading.

[outofcontext]

Jonathan, I am of the same opinion as napolyphonic when he describes the work as "prosaic". This felt like a short story or novella. You have an excellent ability to create mood and I would disagree that the tone wavered--I found it tonally consistent and adult. I did feel the characters had a similarity of speech--a tendency towards clipped speech which leaves out pronouns and verbs. I don't have a problem with that as it creates a stylized atmosphere if that's what you intended. I guess I don't feel there is enough plot for a feature length dramatic movie and not enough imagery or abstraction for an art film. I feel there is an artist behind this work that needs to come to terms with the art form he wants to use to express himself. Maybe I'm projecting because I am struggling with some of the same issues, so take it for what it's worth--an impression from someone who takes your work seriously.