Soap (Short)

[bjl]

This is the second draft of a short about a guy with OCD and what happens when he gets in a messy situation.

TAGLINE
How clean is too clean?
SYNOPSIS (25 WORDS)
Tony has a unique problem. He must wash his hands every hour on the hour. No choice, no alternative.
When a situation sets to prevent this it has explosive consequences.

All/any feedback welcome!!

Attachments:

[LF]

Hey bjl,

Nice read. I think you have a great short here. Cool concept and you tie it up quickly and nicely. I don't have many comments, but I'll point out one and a half moments that rang false for me.

First, tackling the principal for shaking his hand: I think this is an odd reaction because tackling involved more physical contact. I'd buy jerking his hand away rapidly, maybe causing the principal to fall, or even a kick.

Second, the scene of him in his dining room alone with a birthday cake seemed a little off to me. I kind of questioned why he would put on the hat and have the whistle and his cake. Maybe just the cake and the whistle? All that seems a little forced for a grown man with no family/friends present to force him into the hat. The whistle might be a quirk, but both together throw me off.

Otherwise, I thought it was great. The cuts to show other people and their situations with OCD were very funny. Nice work.

Good luck on whatever's next,
L

[LF]

Also, I'm not a huge fan of that tagline. It doesn't really tie into the story that well, other than being an almost cliche on the OCD thing. On the bright side, that's my least favorite thing about your project I'd say that's a good thing! haha

How about....."Wash your hands or lose them"
(hmm a little telegraphed...and more like "and" lol)

"His hands are very, very clean."



lol I dunno, think about it and decide for yourself!

-L

[LF]

whoops that was supposed to be "???" not that smiley that looks kinda sad... w/e

[bjl]

LF

Thanks for the feedback!!!!! Interesting about the TAGLINE!!!! I'll think up a couple of alternatives!!!!!!!

As for the principal scene, I've had a reread and yes I've written in 2 versions and accidentally included the version where it's a tackle. The other way I wrote it he quickly pulls his hands away spinning/flipping the principal who falls off the stage!!!!

Yeah The whsitle scene!!!!!! I omitted and reinserted that scene a few times and it's interesting that my instincts were right in it being 'too much'!!!

I actually have a producer interested but same old same old he is booked up for the year but if it's still available next year is interested in making it!

Thanks agian!!

BJL

[glengarry]

This was really good.

If I were you I would consider expanding this into a feature. You have a solid opening right here and the character is very empathetic.

You good expand this into a 'teen' As Good As It gets movie. Think Michael Cera with OCD and he meets that girl, you know the one he loves, but can't have. Maybe it's the check stand girl at the grocery store or the teller at the bank.

I'm not 100% sure what the gist of the feature would be but this is indeed an excellent open. With the right inciting incident you could have a great feature easy.

That said, if the short is where it stays be sure to post it if you get it shot.

[bjl]

Thanks Glengarry,

Expanding into a feature is an interesting concept that I have thought about, but if this eventually gets produced maybe it could work. Only with the right concept!!!

I'll let you guys know if it is successful!!!!

cheers

BLF

[jimmy7]

Am writing this prior to reading everyone else's comments:-
Good concept, like the twist. Bit too long a build up for me and too heavy on the voice over. I think you could write it more visually without needing as much explaining out loud.
You need to use more active verbs to make it a better read: 'He is standing in a queue' becomes 'he stands in a queue' - it just sounds better and zippier.
And change that last line! Not sure it's even grammatically correct so don't end on it! Perhaps 'it can't be any worse' would suffice on its own.
Don't forget, i said i liked it. These comments are meant to be constructive so that you can improve what you already have.

Jim

[bjl]

Jimmy7

Thanks for the feedback mate!!!!!!

Yeah I've noticed alot of the feedback on this site is concerned with verbs and structure and it's definitely not my strong suit so thank you for giving some examples on how to make this a better read!!!!

As for the last line I've changed it more times than Andy Dick's vibrator!!!! I'll give it a think!!!

Thanks for taking the time the read!

BJL

[bjl]

Hey Guys,

Thank you so much for your input so far!!!!

I have producer who wants me to do one more rewrite and he'll option it!!!! Exciting if it happens!!!

So I'm going to submit it at the start of next week so any more additional thoughts would be welcomed with open arms!!!!

P.S Should I move this into the 'Short Films' sub-board? I didn't want it to be in both and take up too room!!

Thanks again (wish me luck!!)

BJL

[czachcross]

BJL,

-testing this character's fear is great. nice work.


some notes:

based on the ending, it feels like the V/O has been Tony talking to the psychiatrist.

but a line like this...

"If needing to wash your hands every hour on the hour was the worst thing you were hiding in your closet then you should be able to sleep easy. "

feels like he's talking to me, the audience.

then... "I couldnt tell you when it started." that feels like it's to the psychiatrist.

switching between the two, especially in the same batch of dialog, felt off.


- in church, it's a funny idea. but i felt like he's been dealing with this condition for a while, and that he would be prepared for these hourly washes. where would he normally wash his hands in church and why can't he do that right now?

this guy must have a pretty tight routine for everything, I felt like I needed to see what his regular solution is and how that was blocked, forcing the funny solution to arise.

- the book end - felt like it should open with the pyschiatrist visit so I know where the V/O is coming from.

- the bus stop man missing the bus...
The patting of the dogs...
the masturbating primary school teacher...
all funny portraits, but I felt like the psychiatrist would be telling tony about these, consoling him. why is tony telling the psychiatrist?

- are there times when he's busy doing something and forgets what time it is? Does his watch every break? an alarm not go off?

- what kind of job does this guy have?

- felt like all the scenes leading up to the bank robbery are there to setup how Tony will do anything when the hour strikes...

felt like this exposition was not needed:
"TONY (V/O)
What it comes down to is I will do anything when that hour comes around. Absolutely anything."


-the bank scene. The chewing gum is a nice touch. Felt like you could push that further...does he see it before he gets on the ground? is he the last one to get on the ground? the grounds filthy...thats a big test in itself.

-how many ways can you test his fear of germs in this one scene? Does the robber make him touch hands? hold another customers dog? can the robber torture tony more? does the robber know tony? does the robber want to torture tony more than he wants the money?

-the bomb versus washing his hands works well. and the cut to outside to see the explosion...funny stuff.


-"TONY
I think people hide their problems…and they shouldn’t… but I have literally got nothing to hide anymore." Felt like no one in the story hid their problems...felt this line was out of place.

-final reveal - felt like Tony was cured but the line threw me off...dunno if you need that line at all.

Questions to inspire:

- If tony's talking to me in the V/O...where is he? If he's talking to the psychiatrist...why is he telling her, everything she already knows?

- why is he in a psychiatrists office if he has no hands, and is cured?

- do you need any of the psychiatrist stuff at all?

- can you just show three or so scenes of this guy growing up with this condition and then end it with the big bank scene?

- is anyone in the bank from a previous scene? do they torture him with the robber or do they console tony? do they know his condition and try to help him when the robber is torturing him?

[bjl]

Zach,

That is very funny because it was initially written as dialogue directed at a psychiatrist. I'll need to rework it to sharpen it up.

Thank you for the insightful thoughts. I'll take all of them into account during the next rewrite.

[glow=red,2,300]BJL[/glow]