Dasloga Exhaust

[escarondito]

Tell me what you guys think of the logling for the script I'm writing for the script-a-thon contest

Title: Dasloga Exhaust
Genre: Action/Adventure
Logline: "As their nation falls on the losing side of an 800 year civil war, a selfish thief, ambitious engineer, and a disgraced commander must journey to the heart of the enemy and steal their source of power"

[escarondito]

Really no thoughts anyone?

[lizzo1014]

"steal their source of power" is a vague statement. Also, what are the stakes? An 800 year civil war sounds like one side has been losing more slowly.

Clean up the logline so that we have these ordinary men deciding to end this long civil war by themselves and then you have yourself an interesting idea.

[Jeff Messerman]

I am by no means a master of the logline nor should I even come anywhere near critiquing one when I have proven time and time again that I am incapable of brevity when it comes to describing my projects.

I will therefore plunder ahead anyway!

Initial thoughts... sounds like a great novel.

As a logline pitch for a screenplay... it's a tough call. You kinda' bust open some unspoken tenants which are, oddly, spoken around here quite a bit...

First off... "as their nation falls on the losing side of an 800 year civil war"

This is, unfortunately, a little limp wristed... either the shit has hit the fan or not. To be "falling on a losing side" doesn't instill confidence in any pending conflict, really.

Then, the absence of a solid protagonist... you have a trio... it's an ensemble piece? That's okay but SOMEONE of the bunch must stand out from the rest. You'll more than likely want to emphasize that in your logline.

Finally, the "journey" and the "steal." You kind of have two movies here... a quest and a heist. Again, that's fine, but in a solid logline, you WILL BE FORCED to choose one. Sorry. That's just the way it is. I don't make the rules and in most cases I wish it were different (the novelist in me bitching away here) but from what I've gathered both around these pages and elsewhere, that's the name of game.

Hopefully, Mike Scherer, Master of the Logline, will swing by these parts and give it a gander. You certainly have something interesting going here... now it's just about honing and sharpening what you've started.

And, lord willing, someday I'll do the same with my cruddy loglines too!

[mscherer]

escarondito,

What Jeff said.

Seriously, give the audience someone to root for (a single protagonist – pick one, the other two can play different roles: sidekick, mentor, etc.).

Second, give the audience someone to hate. Your logline has no antagonist (other than the enemy). Discover your antagonist and let that person and your protagonist have a history. Not only is this movie about winning a civil war, it has to be personal.

Third, I have to agree with Jeff that ‘…their nation falls on the losing side of an 800 year civil war…’ is weak. First, if it is nation against another nation (as your logline implies) it’s a war, not a civil war. Again, give the audience something to root for. Why is there a civil war? What are the principles they are fighting for? Make that “something” an ideal your audience can relate to.

Finally, and this relates to the above, what are the stakes if they lose? Not all civil wars lead to the elimination or obliteration of the other side (take our own civil war as an example) – geesh this sounding more like a Poli Sci class than a screenwriting board!

Put all this together and formulate your new logline.

In order to save the lives of millions, a disgraced general leads a handful of freedom fighters deep into enemy territory to steal a super weapon that has fallen into the hands of a ruthless dictator – the general’s own brother.

Not the greatest, but I think you get the idea.

Keep Writing!

[escarondito]

Changes.

Any thoughts?


"As her nation is about to be slaughtered by war, a genius engineer must journey to the heart of the opposing nation and steal the material needed for a weapon that can turn the tide of battle."