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Post by lizzo1014 on Jul 19, 2010 15:14:58 GMT -5
Synopsis: There are many people who contributed to the abject misery that was Fred B. Felt's high school years but he was in love with only one, Millicent Dawes, the beautiful, mega-bitch clique leader of the Vagilantes. Ten years later, Fred is now Bryce Felt, a successful attorney who is set to marry his beautiful fiance, with the scars of his bullied past seemingly behind him. That's until he hears that Millicent, a down-on-her-luck ventriloquist, is accused of murdering world-famous ventriloquist/impressionist Terry Fator, in their hometown. Bryce returns home to represent Millicent in hopes that an acquittal would make him a hometown hero and shift the power dynamic in his (one-sided) relationship with Millicent. But, when Millicent and most of his remaining classmates fail to remember him, Bryce becomes increasingly caught up in the past putting Millicent's future as well as his own in jeopardy.
Logline: "A hotshot lawyer delves into the weird world of Las Vegas ventriloquism when he agrees to defend his high school crush, accused of murder."
Your help is greatly appreciated.
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Post by mscherer on Jul 20, 2010 5:41:56 GMT -5
Lizzo1014,
Three things jump out at me right away:
Number One: ‘…into the weird world of Las Vegas ventriloquism’. I had this crazy visual of hordes of performers covertly creeping around the Las Vegas strip with their respective dummies. Also, this story world tells me that this may be a comedy. I mean, picture it, a bunch of folks running around talking to tree stumps.
Number Two: Who is your hero up against? Some evil puppet master who controls this weird world?
Number Three: What are the stakes for your hotshot lawyer if he loses the case? Sounds like his world is fairly normal: a successful attorney who is set to marry his beautiful fiancée. What does he stand to lose, if he loses? Why should the audience root for him to succeed?
Hope this helps. Your Vegas story world is unique and has plenty of potential. You need to resolve three (3) things:
1. is this to be a comedy or a drama?
2. Who is the antagonist?
3. What are the stakes?
Keep Writing!
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Post by lizzo1014 on Jul 20, 2010 9:29:59 GMT -5
mscherer: It's a comedy, the antagonist would be the district attorney and the stakes is a promotion to partner at his law firm because the case receives national attention because the victim is a world-famous ventriloquist. Also Millicent has a young daughter she wants to return home to.
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Post by escarondito on Jul 20, 2010 10:56:17 GMT -5
So millicent has stakes because she doesn't want to go to jail. But the attorney doesn't have takes because if he doesn't get the promotion he still will keep a great job with a beautiful wife. Also, I'm wondering how the emotional scars will really play into the script. Right now they seem like add-ons.
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Post by lizzo1014 on Jul 20, 2010 11:03:34 GMT -5
escarondito: The goal of every lawyer at a firm is to eventually make partner, so if Bryce fails with this case, he can say goodbye to that. He's on the come up, but he hasn't reached the top of the mountain. Bryce's emotional scars comes from his interaction with Millicent. She doesn't remember him nor what she did to him, while it's all he can think about. It affects his ability to be a good lawyer and it affects his relationship with his fiancee, as she begins to see that Bryce hasn't let go of his love for Millicent.
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Post by mscherer on Jul 20, 2010 11:42:55 GMT -5
lizzo1014, You sure this is a comedy  -- all this sounds fairly dramatic. Just asking as you, hopefully, Keep Writing! |
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Post by lizzo1014 on Jul 20, 2010 12:06:37 GMT -5
Well at the base of every comedy is tragedy, so I don't really understand your question. All the events will be handled in a comedic way.
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Post by escarondito on Jul 20, 2010 14:46:44 GMT -5
Agreed comedy is just cleverly veiled tragedy. But here is the point of what I'm saying. Millicent (great name by the way I'm sure to remember it) will never be able to see her child again if she loses the case. I feel for her immediately. The protags wife feels that she might lose her husband to his obsession but(and I'm assuming here since I haven't seen the script) she wants her husband to prove the innocence of millicent.
The issue is your protag. He's potentially endangering a marriage to a beautiful wife to do the case for a long lost love who doesn't even remember him. He is an obsessed man who can potentially destroy his great life. Where can I sympathize with him? I just want to tell him to let go.
Also, read what I posted earlier. If he doesn't make partner....so what. He still has a banging wife and a great job, he's just not the biggest fish in the pond like he wanted to be. You see where I am coming from? That's why it is hard to write rich characters with problems. If they fail in their goal they still have a rich life. It's hard to sympathize and care for them for 2 hours.
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Post by escarondito on Jul 20, 2010 14:54:13 GMT -5
Here's a better way to put this if my last couple posts don't make sense. This is a simple change. What if his wife is really beholden to what her family thinks and her mother and father don't want her marrying a guy who hasn't made partner yet when he's been there for 15 years already or something like that. So now he has to win this case to get the promotion and win the hand of the woman he loves, also their is now conflict because he is dealing with the feelings he had for a former love while trying to win her case so he can be with his current love.
You see how that one switch just tightened the degree of conflict as well as made us want to root for him. We want him to create his perfect life with his new wife, and we want him to not fall into temptation of obsession over a woman who doesn't want or remember him but we understand why he can't let her go. Jesus I just felt the emotion typing that. You see what I mean?
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Post by lizzo1014 on Jul 20, 2010 19:02:40 GMT -5
escarondito: | This is a simple change. What if his wife is really beholden to what her family thinks and her mother and father don't want her marrying a guy who hasn't made partner yet when he's been there for 15 years already or something like that. So now he has to win this case to get the promotion and win the hand of the woman he loves, also there is now conflict because he is dealing with the feelings he had for a former love while trying to win her case so he can be with his current love. |
I like that suggestion a lot. Now, I'm thinking that this is more of a courtroom romantic comedy. New Logline: "In order to keep his job, an underachieving lawyer returns to his hometown to defend his kooky ex-girlfriend, accused of murder." New Synopsis: Fred Felt is an underachieving Miami-based lawyer desperate to marry his girlfriend, Tristine, before she realizes that she could do better. Standing in the way is his boss and Tristine's father, Cecil LaRoux, who wants Fred to prove his worth before giving his approval. Cecil assigns Fred to a murder case unaware that the defendant, Millicent Dawes, is his kooky ex-girlfriend and the location is Somnus, Fred's hometown where his nickname was "Forgettable Fred Felt". Squaring off against his high school tormentor, the District Attorney, Fred prove Millicent's innocence while dealing with her many eccentricities, or lose his job and Tristine forever.
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Post by Anyone on Aug 3, 2010 16:46:02 GMT -5
Anyone?
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Post by speakingofsegues on Aug 4, 2010 11:45:17 GMT -5
The new logline is pretty good, and I like the new angle.
Taking a stab at it:
"An underachieving lawyer is given one last shot to prove himself when his boss - also his fiancée's father - assigns him to defend an ex-girlfriend in a hometown murder trial."
Also, with the new spin on the synopsis, just a friendly idea for a possible new title: "Life, Partner" ?
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-- all this sounds fairly dramatic.