AETHER -- latest draft

[napolyphonic]

I figured some of you might want to read this, so here it is. This screenplay was a quarterfinalist in the BlueCat screenplay competition.

This is the latest draft (#6), and it's probably the closest it's ever been to being exactly what I want it to be. If you're gonna chew it up and spit it out, please have the courtesy to wipe the dribble off before handing it back

Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

122 pages.

www.sendspace.com/file/xtpaw2

-G

[jimmy7]

I'm about 20 pages in and will try to get back to this tomorrow or monday.
Initial thoughts: It was really confusing to begin - a lot of information to take in about what is effectively a 'new world'. Starting to get to grips with it a little better now though so should whip through ok when i come back to it.
One thing that is causing me a problem however is the use of -- when a comma or even a full stop would do. I don't get why you do that and i have to say, it's taking me out of the story quite a bit each time that happens. Is this a writing quirk of yours or something that you've been taught to do in a scriptwriting class or such like?

Jim

[napolyphonic]

The "--" is something I picked up from produced action screenplays I've been reading. It's supposed to read faster than a comma. It's really just a style choice and I have been rethinking certain uses of it. This is my second script so I've been experimenting with a mix of commas and -- . Some people like it, others have trouble with it. It depends on how many and what kind of screenplays you've read. Hopefully you'll get used to it as you read further.

[jimmy7]

Well i've finished it now - kind of got this one down somewhere in between I,Robot and The Matrix - does that seem about right to you?
In terms of the story, i'm not the best to judge because i find it hard to read stuff that introduces loads of new detail i.e. 'mechs' etc and like to ping through a script really quickly. This isn't saying this is bad by the way - i couldn't read the Matrix at all and everybody says how brilliant that is - just that someone else can probably judge it better than me.
I thought the ending was great, and that the dialogue was punchy and good throughout.
I thought it was perhaps a little over egged in terms of speeches however and because of that most of the exposition of the screenplay was done via dialogue rather than by painting images in my head. I would have liked a little more explanation at the start - when it was set, what had happened, why this place called South City existed etc etc because a lot of that information only filtered through gradually.
So, for me, add a little bit in - a few paragraphs in the first few pages would do it, that's al lit needs.
You certainly know how to write and overall i thought it was a pretty good effort.
Hope this helps!

Jim

[napolyphonic]

Thanks, Jimmy, for reading this thing. I really appreciate you taking the time to go through it.

As far as comparisons, I like to think A.I., Blade Runner, and a little Battlestar Galactica. I didn't stick to the rules of I,Robot and it didn't have the alternate reality vibe of The Matrix, but I definitely can see why the comparison would arise. What I was hoping was that with the history and mythology of sci-fi that already exists, there would be easy connections between certain things like "mechs" with both the anime robots and with the term "Mecha" from A.I.

I know what you mean by over egged with speeches. I'm assuming you're talking about Sangier's speech during Rikker's first visit and probably Harper's introduction in the lecture hall. They work in my head: the way the speeches might be played, the tension between Sangier and Rikker during the description of his father's death. I know it's exposition, but I feel like I get away with it because it really isn't part of the plot. The plot doesn't depend on the exposition, it's merely there to add a certain depth. I could've written a scene in which Sangier's father is killed, but it didn't play right with me. This is a story from Rikker's side(primarily), and I didn't want to break from that.

If you could do me a favor and list some of the expository sections that bothered you, it would really be a great help.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time. I thought this one was gonna fall off the board without being read.

-G

[jimmy7]

It's more about expository sections that weren't there than were actually.
I think a little more explanation in the initial set up would mean that you could perhaps lose a little of the explanatory dialogue and instead concentrate on setting it up with imagery rather than words.
There is no particular part of it that I could point to and say, leave that bit out, it's more a feeling that some of the dialogue was a bit over long and could've got to the point quicker if it hadn't been for explanation.
I'm not sure i'm actually making sense even to myself here so i have no idea what you're going to make of it!

Jim

[napolyphonic]

It's all good, Jimmy. I was just wondering if anything stuck out to you. I still need to do some work on it and I'll see where I can add and subtract a bit. Thanks for the read.

-G

[napolyphonic]

Alright, here's the newest draft, and likely the last draft for a long time. Unless, of course, a reader finds something terribly offensive.

All comments/feedback/rants are welcomed graciously.

Thanks again everybody.

-G

Attachments:

[zz]

Thank you for being so willing to share your work. It's not easy. Also, in response to Jimmy7, Scott Rosenberg, a great writer uses "..." And that's becoming more common now -- I'm doing it with my current project.

[dwight]

some of my dribble is in the Pick of the Week...

Thanks for sharing this fun read!

[openup]

Hey!

So, I wanted to read this for some time now, and finally I got to it! Sorry I didn't read it earlier...

Now, first things first:
For the last few weeks(/months) I've been looking for a good piece of Sci-Fi in the spirit of Minority Report/I, Robot/Blade Runner. Those few hours that I spent with Aether satisfied my hunger for some good Sci-Fi. They really did. And now I'm more or less happy (more or less, because, my Sci-Fi hunger never really dies... ;D )

Now, I gotta say, this has an awesome start. You can really feel that you know the world you're writing about. You can also feel that this is complicated, and still, you present the facts nicely, and again, with knowledge of the subject: a vibe that's present from the very beginning.

Really, napolyphonic, I don't have anything to add, since you've already had a lot feedback, but I'll say this:

To be honest, I expected a little more. I expected this... Complexity of the world, and the story, to drag until the end. I was a bit disappointed. Simply, as I said, I believe this could be more than just a story of a plot convoluted by "the evil corporation". And don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the read. I liked the world you created. I liked the characters, and their relationships...

But if you had explored Aether (as a notion, a philosophy, perhaps...), and not the evil corporation, it would be not only good. It would be awesome! And yes, I don't know how you could've done it, since Aether is where the the robbies get their "soul", but that notion is already by itself... It got me thinking: "robots finally get a soul... Whoa..." And that simple explanation drived me, made me turn pages.

But that's just me. I hope you see what I'm trying to tell you.

Also, I hope I didn't sound too offensive. I'm really sorry if I did. I'm not a pro in this, and sorry if my feedback is not as good as the others', but I just tried to express my opinion. Also, of course, I'm sorry if I didn't understand something in the screenplay correctly. If that's the case, I apologize.

And thanks again for the great read! I'm honestly happy I finally got to it!

[napolyphonic]

openup,

Lets just say a few drafts ago the script was 167 pages. It had everything you long for and more. The problem is, it's a little much to try and sell something with the philosophy...and the length.

I absolutely beyond any measure of doubt wanted to put more about the "religion" of Aether in this thing. It's alluded to with the "Aethereal Minister" at the beginning and how Rikker crashed a ship into a building when he was suicidal after Mali died. The scene with Harper giving an introduction in that hall was originally going to take place in a worship center. It didn't play right. Rikker even visits his sister in "United America" and meets her husband, who owns the company that designed the energy systems for the mechs. In that meeting, he alludes to Aether and how it's not what it seems. They argue about the souls of robots.

I also had a lot of visuals and abstract imagery associated with what it might be like to be in the Aether. In the beginning, Malcolm falls "into" the Aether when he jumps from the building, and I wanted Rikker to have a similar experience at some point. But it just got to be a little too long. It's already 123 pages.

I think if I ever got in a room with someone, I would bring this stuff up and discuss adding some length to it for the purpose of expanding on the philosophy. But unfortunately, for now, that's all there is. And of course, the way it plays now, it could be made in the $10M range instead of 50 or 100. So I wanted to keep it a bit more grounded.

Thanks a lot for the read, I appreciate it.

-G