Cabin 16 (an experiment in style)

[mscherer]

Got to fooling around with a short short script I wrote for a screenwriting class many moons ago and thought I would try a different take on this whole screewriting thing.

Actually, this was the seed for my feature, The Tombs of Qumran, but that is neither here nor there. Give it a read -- give me your thoughts and as Monty Python would say: Now for something completely different ;D


www.sendspace.com/file/fedwyw

[mydoggeorge]

Hi,

I liked the style, but at first got me a little confused because I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a voice over where Missouri is supposed to be explaining the whole thing.

I got it after the first page. I liked the whole first person concept.

Pretty nice storytelling at the hotel, water pinging of the hotel like bullets. Missouri leans into the rain, nice.

Is it all done at page 6? To bad if it is, would be a cool read.

Well, just my two cents. Thanks.

[mscherer]

MyDog,

Thanks for the read. Yeah, thought it would be interesting to see how it would work to have the protagonist tell his story via action lines etc. instead of voice over. Just goofing around, but who knows, it may start a trend in storytelling ;D

Thanks again.

[tous]

Wow, you wrote this moons ago? Pretty nice for 7 pages. Clear cut. I really enjoyed the whole mystery concerning him trying to find his brother. A lot of empathy for him, caught in the middle of family matters.

So, I've always wanted to try the first person. I noticed that you get something really special out of it, which is simply: the descriptions no longer become just descriptions. They become the character's opinion, personal tastes, and his thoughts. And in only 7 pages passing, you get double if not triple the amount of information on character, just from the way he tells it-- what he notices, what he compares things to, what he finds missing, and what he notices about himself.

Page 4 - SERIES OF SHOTS
- You switch back to the third. I was a little caught on that.

Page 5 - The walls -- dingy gray -- need paint
- This is what I'm talking about. He's disgusted by it or he's thinking of how to improve the place already.

Page 5 - Mabel never says a word as she reaches across the counter, checks the register.
-I'd suggest making it more in the first person?
"She doesn't say a word to me till she's checked the register across the counter. Bitch.."

-Also, are they allowed to give out personal information on who's staying in their motel? I think I saw a movie with that, but then again, it was just a movie.

I'm gonna agree with MyDog, I wanted to keep reading. I loved the descriptions. Very eerie and creepy.
I didn't see the ending as an ending, or even as a left-off point, which I would have been satisfied with-- It's just, the whole gun-shot, he's too late-- left the story unresolved to me and the character. But if that's the point you wanted? Then Walla. But then again, this was all for goofing around sO I guess that isn't the biggest concern. Point being, you pulled me in great, and now I'm just stuck in it. haha, I need to read more to get out.

Here's a script I read a while ago that does that makes 1st person look really fun:
scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/05/passengers-gj-pruss.html

[mscherer]

Tous,

Thanks for reading.

Wow! I'm a little bumed this has been done before .

Thanks for the link to Script Shadow. If Passengers is still available I will most definetly download it.

Thanks again and,

Keep Writing!

[waltkurtz]

Mike,

I love the fact that you are always stretching with your work. I think the first person is an interesting device to employ in a script and can be highly effective if its use is motivated by the nature of the narrative. This piece is a little short to determine whether that's the case, but I think you demonstrate a real ease with using this tense. I don't know why, but I half thought Missouri was going to meet himself in that motel room. As it was, the shift from cancer to suicide without ever meeting the brother came as a jolt to me. I wonder if this is the start of a mystery which the rest of the picture will explore via flashback, in which case I can see how your use of first person could be an excellent and original way to explore that device. Also, I think if you're going to go this way, you should think about using first person voice over of the unreliable narrator variety. The end result could be very disturbing and memorable.

Walt

[fastfreddie]

Mike,

I agree with waltkurtz:

"Also, I think if you're going to go this way, you should think about using first person voice over of the unreliable narrator variety. The end result could be very disturbing and memorable."

Think Lolita.

Derek

[oz]

Loved this, Mike : ) And was immediately struck with two thoughts: 1--Wouldn't it be great if screenwriting could catch up to other literary fields where the artist decides how the end product looks as opposed to some stringent standard? Novelists are all over the map with how they present their work, as are poets, yet we're still shackled by the industry standards determined by (most often in the case of specs) industry middle men and women who have no stake in the ultimate product. And 2--I REALLY want to read the rest of this! ; )

God love ya!

ps--Thanks, tous, for the heads up on something similar. Gotta get my hands on it! : )

[mscherer]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement.

As I mentioned earlier, this was the seed for The Tombs of Qumran, and I do have a version of the script that continues after Cabin 16 -- maybe I will rewrite the whole thing in first person -- just need the time to complete. Maybe after I finish Red Frenzy (somewhere around September 1st).

Stay tuned as we,

Keep Writing!

[Deleted]

Mike,

Let me just say...YOU BASTARD! You get me completely hooked into this story and just end it at page 6. You cruel, cruel man!

All kidding aside, it is a great read. It needs some spit and polish but I really like the first person angle.

I wonder if any readers could give us some insight as to the acceptance of a piece like this. I think you could easily pull it off if your protagonist completely drove the story from end to end.

I know you have limited time, but if you ever get around to finishing this piece in first person, I would love to see what happens after page 6. I will give the other version a read as well.

I would also have to agree with oz. It is a shame writers are forced into such tight constraints. This piece is just a tiny example of how creative some scripts could be.