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Post by JamesLindsay on Jul 12, 2010 23:54:07 GMT -5
This is a short in the children's genre that I have also embelished in a feature. Be brutal people! James Attachments:
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Post by mscherer on Jul 13, 2010 9:19:14 GMT -5
jameslindsay,
I'll start with notes by page then give my overall impression at the end.
Page 1: Not a big fan of the verb ‘to be’ and its ‘-ing’ cousin. For example:
Would read much better as:
Three boys stand around a regular looking go-cart. SAMMY hands the tallest boy TOM, a very shiny helmet.
Same action, four fewer words.
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Page 1: Your characters have a tendency to over use the word ‘plus’. Gets monotonous and kids don’t really talk that way, do they?
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Page 1: Be careful of run on sentences like the second one in this action line:
Also, don’t use the word ‘just’. Suggestion:
Tom smiles, flicks a switch on the makeshift dash. An engine ROARS to life. The go-cart doesn't move.
Same action and description, two fewer words. It’s all about flow.
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Page 2: Possessive.
Should be:
Tom flicks another switch and the engine’s idle is louder.
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Page 2: Use parentheticals.
Should be:
SAMMY (V.O.)
Ready when you are Tom.
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Page 4: There are seven (7) lines of action here. Becareful to keep your action lines to three lines, four tops:
Break up:
Kallum doesn't get to finish his sentence. Tom flicks the switch twice -- the engine kicks in. Pushes the lever forward -- takes off.
Kallum holds on.
The rear wheel crushes his foot. He SCREAMS – tumbles backwards.
Tom takes a hard right – checks his rear-view mirror: Kallum's friends have joined pursuit on bicycles.
Twenty-one fewer words without losing any information about the story or situation.
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Okay, two things jumped out at me as I read your story:
1. These kids are around 12-13 years of age and they all sound like adults. I don’t hear any ‘kid-speak’ in the dialogue.
2. Ten pages of script and the story goes no where. Sure, we see kids experimenting with their go-cart. We learn there is some type of conflict going on in the neighbor hood, but that’s about it.
Also, your character introductions tell us nothing about the characters. No age. No descriptions: either physical or emotional.
Finally, I went back to see how many of those pesky ‘to be’ verbs and “-ing” verbs (gerunds?) were used:
1. is: 29 instances.
2. are: 15 instances.
3. –ing verbs: 64 instances.
Now, maybe this is just me, but the use of these verbs makes the reading very tedious.
I’m sorry to be so negative – the story has great potential – but I can’t get past those pesky verbs.
Plus, I don’t think the audience you are looking to entertain will be pulled into the story they way it is written right now.
Keep Writing!
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tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Jul 13, 2010 15:36:43 GMT -5
Hey, great short, it's really tough making something out of 10 pages, but the limitation can be so freeing. What Mike said- I don't wanna re-iterate the wording and the missing commas and stuff but here is my take:
The double stuffed oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:
Strong opening. You really got me pumped and intrigued.
Sammy's character flows really nicely in corresponding with Tom. I think Tom could use more of a Dare Devil approach, instead of the nice "you built it" make him plead his friend into taking it out. This will give Tom guilt for the trouble he has caused.
Also Sammy - I really like the dialogue. He's that guy that, as long as he keeps talking, he thinks thing will be okay as long as he's said everything he can think of, before it's too late. And Tommy leaves with that casual. "Relax Sammy, I got it"
Page 2
And the engine doesn't move.
-This stopped my read. stay away from negatives if you can help it.
- obviously he was just starting it up, so that is sufficient enough.
Page 4
SAMMY
No! Abort! Abort! Neutral zone, unknown knowledge of enemy movement in area.
-haha very funny. I'm very curious as to who the "enemies" will be.
- Reminds me of kids next door.
"From out of nowhere..."
-doesn't translate well. I couldn't see it-- literally.
Suggestion.
Sammy veers a corner. A skaterboarder...
OR
Sammy notices that all the houses on this block are red, when a skaterboarder...
- Try to have the reader looking the other way with the character. Otherwise as you have it written, for me anyways, its almost like the skateboarder teleported in front of him. (which is Totally cool to! But.. i'm sure that isnt the direction you want)
Page 5
KALLUM
...that's all the time I'm...
Cut it by using a dash. This: "-". It tells the reader it's an interruption. Instead of "..." which is often for that lingering effect.
- AND that means you get to cut that whoooole long sentence that we can't see anyways:
Page 5
"Kallum doesn't get to finish his sentence. Tom flicks the switch twice and as soon as the engine kicks in pushes the lever forward and he takes off. Kallum grabs on but the back of the cart travels over his foot sending him backwards and screaming. He does manage to knock one of the carear's off smashing to the road. Tom takes the first right and notices Kallum's friends have joined pursuit on bicycles."
- A little wordy for me.
Suggestion:
-I would build up the tension more and, because I don't want to change your words, maybe something like this?
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Tom flicks the switch. No dice. He flicks it again.
Tom
(v.o.)
Sammy...
Kallum
HEy, who are you talking to!
Kallum wedges his fingers inside Tom's helmet, trying to WRENCH it off of him, as Tom wildly flicks the switch.
-- VRROOOM. The engine soars to life. Tom pushes the lever forward. He's off!
Tom looks back to find Kallum on the floor, holding his foot. The rear right camera has been RIPPED off.
Kallum screams into a walky-talky and smashes the camera in anger.
(I was curious to how his friends would know, so.. maybe by that? and then BAM!)
Tom veers right, rounding a wide turn, only to meet several teenagers, much like Kallum, on bicycles- bounding onto his position from the opposing street.
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Just a suggestion!
Also it would be more intense, I THINK. If when Sammy says:
SAMMY
Tom, you're flying blind, you have no right camera. Come back, over!
THE REAR LEFT CAMERA GOES BLANK. STATIC.
-Then back to scene! For one, it will higher the tension, the closing in. And second, it's a really well placed transition, because that's the action that just took place if we cut right to someone's swing hitting it off. (perhaps he has a baseball bat)
SAMMY
(v.o)
I can't watch
-Awesome take! That alone has built up the tension.
Also your paragraph-sentences are a tad long. Keep it to 2-3 lines. Think of it as... cameras. We can't see that he made it through and see the kid start back on his bike at the same time, can we?
Page 7
-Really like the conversation between Tom and Sammy. Sammy sees that he's causing trouble for his creation and to stop Tom and also help his friend not hurt himself, he holds a threat and wants to take off the panels. Really good motive. I bet one more push and Sammy would cancel the whole thing. That threatens Tom's want, as in - to drive this thing.
SAMMY
You will be, oh you will be.
- not convinced his character would say that...
- It felt a little out of place or maybe this is too picky. I Just thought you could have thought of something better. Don't want to have it as a definite, "they will find us scenario" maybe more like:
SAMMY
Oh,phh, me neither, i was just saying.
Sammy walk away, almost hugging the lockers.
SAMMY
...he never apologized, he moved schools
-haha.
Not convinced on the threat with Kallum. I understand that the two conversations following- are meant to beef up the rumors and his stance on the school, but maybe.. SHOWING it would be better.
Beginning of page 9, daydream gets a bit fuzzy. Either your missing a (V.O) or a cue to get back into reality.
I was expecting more from the ending. Not sure why Sammy's character changed to throw the shoe. What makes him do that? Is it Tom's courage to stand up, if so- he needs to have an inner battle whether to show up or not. Or perhaps throw back in the go-cart, that was the starter, make it the finisher.
Best of luck on the re-write! IT was an awesome read, i always like stories about little kids overcoming unfathomable odds.
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Post by JamesLindsay on Jul 13, 2010 17:28:43 GMT -5
This is exactly why I participate in these forums!!!! Real writers who know their $hit!!!!! Thank you mscherer and tous for your valuable feedback!!!! I really need to 'clean up' the verbs and verbose action. I'll also look at the dialogue and try to make it more authentic!!!!! As for the ending, I wrapped the story up too quickly and chucked the shoe thrown on the end and you know what, it doesn't fit!!!!!! I hate it!!! I've now embelished it into the plan for a feature with a 'magnificent 7/7samurai' theme about a treehouse. I've attached the first act but after your comments, have already started tweaking and the Aiden character is going to pull a prank on one of the bullies and that is why the boys (Sam, Tom & Jack) take him in. (So bullies will hate him also!) I know I'm asking alot and the first 8-9 pages are the same so you don't have to reread them but I would really appreciate your thoughts!!! thanks again! James Attachments:
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