STS

[tous]

ALL REVIEWS ARE WELCOME. Comments, kisses, stab wounds, junctures. (What's a juncture?) - (I don't know) Just peel me a pretty band-aid alright. And if I can help it- I lovingly ask that you (romantically speaking) give your honest opinion and concerns as your time and effort is most appreciated.

Aand I know, I may have appeared to be somewhat of a feverish, frustrated poster in my other thread. But I do not mean to be, I am just somewhat skeptical. So please do not feel heavy heartened as I will take the comments as they come. I just-- get really anxious when I'm speaking with other writers, so I'll stay away from conversation, unless by email (Thanks Derek)

As a WARNING- I have already graciously received two reviews in which BOTH, have stated this story to be CONFUSING. In this respect, I fear that they may be right. And if you feel the same way then, by all means, stop-- because I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time if you have to rummage through it. I couldn't expect more then, you reading this...

So! and to you especially Oz since you're taking the plunge ><
I hope this story touches your goddamn heart and burns in a post sign for you to look back on. Even if the sign is made out of scribbles. (because we'll all need glasses eventually)
So Thank you. Most of all. And Enjoy!

Sonny The Spec
Animation
A repressed spec from the sun must find his way home with the help from a planet who may have a few problems of her own. (And no, this isn't a rhyming story, nor is it for children) - (viewer's discretion is advised) - (batteries not includeD).
**** Thank you all for the notes. Comparatively speaking- with other miscellaneous feedback I've received elsewhere, it's clear that I need to go back and restart, from down up-- WORKING IN PROGRESS ****

Attachments:

[LF]

Hey Tous,

I've only had time to read the first fourteen pages, but I figure'd I'd post what I have now and then come back when I have a chance.

Good luck,
L

-- I could see that opening sequence.

p1 Clouds have veins? Old clouds? What?

p2 "the beautiful Corona, blows like a flower’s petals in the wind." Kinda think the corona is cooler than a flower petal and (nitpicky) would prefer another comparison/ description.

-- haha I love the civilization on fire on the sun. Though, since we don't know what SPECs are until this point, I'd avoid it in the logline. I was like spectacles (glasses) from the Sun?

-- could use a bit more description/ clarification as to what SPECs look like. Are they balls of fire? Are they humanoid and drive cars? Wait do they fly? Do they have hands? Or are they shapeshifters? I have all these questions within one to two pages.

-- Love specs playing inside their eggs.

p6 LOL @ "Watch it quark!" Also, it should be, "Sonny, out of breath," not "breathe." I think.

p14 I think the objectives the two *parents* are playing are valid, but the whole "grounded" threat and the literal "Mom" "Dad" feels a little off. I dunno, it came out of no where for me, but maybe it'll work out? Lemme know if I should talk about it more.

[tous]

LF, I appreciate this much. (sorry, reading hamlet) And I know it's a troublesome read- but I'm relieved for the story, that you were able to visually-see the opening, whereas another reader could not.

p1. - Merely a description to suggest that this is an old planet, wearied down, and barely able to sustain his own weather. Hence, the veiny clouds of old age. - But perhaps it may be a bit too poetic..

-- Hahha, I Can't believe I put such confusion in the logline. Thanks for the catch.

-- And yes, "The literal 'Mom', 'Dad' feels a little off." -- if you could explain?
- Maybe the whole, mother/father figure being such arbiters of the Sun, is somewhat, an odd solution to the problem I had in relating this environment to others. I didn't want it to seem so outlandish since we do think of our SUN as being home. Tho- The original VISION i had, were hands upon hands streaming down from the sky, constantly heating and breaking eggs so that they could gain the power of flight/maturity and flare to the sky.

So again, much gratitude my friend- Really - and please! respond as you will- for words do not scare me. (damn you Hamlet!)

[oz]

A giant OOPS to you, Tous. I somehow missed your post with the new link for STS.

I've got it on my desktop now, though, so as soon as I get pyiddy's finished, I'll take a gander at yours. : )

[LF]

Well, the reason it seems off is that Sulfie and Carb seem more like the storks than the actual parents, if you know what I mean, especially given your introduction to the two.

Also, I find it strange that they name the egglings after they hatch but they would still be called Mom and Dad if they interact with the egglings pre-hatching (like how the egglings interact with each other). I got the sense early on that this was more of a pre-hatching nursery.

Personally (and not having read further), I think I prefer Sulfie and Carb as storks/ nurses rather than parents.

As for clouds with veins, I think its distracting. Maybe "the wrinkly surface attempted to hide beneath the billowing clouds" or something.

[tous]

Wow! I never thought of them like that, and I totally agree with you. It's actually really funny you mention that, because I have a version where they have homes on the surface, that when they float up-- their actual mother and father.. and brothers and sisters are there as well. But that's all on another version of paper and clearly to one side of my head in a closet somewhere-- Anyways that idea, as you can see (or cannot not not not see) doesn't exist, because it isn't shown in this version. Perhaps a chance to be seen, in a sequel haha. so thank you very much for explaining.

[oz]

Hi Tous. As we discussed, I tried my hand with your script and it wasn't my cup of tea but I wanted to offer a couple suggestions.

I think with something so different like this, and I don't say that negatively ; ), you have to be as clear and precise as possible. I would take every scene and break it down to the most simple language possible and then build it back up if needed. Starting off with your mind's eye language may be what's hurting you here.

Second, (although kind of along the same lines), I'd keep all names of the characters generic (bob, mary, etc) until the story is solid because it helps you see the story as you go. When you're creating a new world, you have to paint it pristine so that the reader is transported there. You may want to use generic names throughout until the story is rock solid and then, again, build it back up with the uniqueness that your world calls for.

There just has to be enough familiarity for the reader so his/her mind's eye understands what they're seeing or it just doesn't register. You can do this. You see it, you just have to describe it more clearly and don't make it all so unique that it's too difficult to get through. I couldn't get through it because I couldn't 'see' anything that you were describing. But you can do it. Scene by scene, line by line. Tear it apart and build it back up more simplistically.

good luck, my friend : )

[napolyphonic]

I've just begun reading and I'm finding it difficult to get through.

The writing feels lovely at first, but only as far as the tone of the language. I was trying to think of how to say what's odd about it, but I think Hemingway had a good phrase that I could steal: It just doesn't scan right.

When you read through this thing, even with the first image of a black spec "blossoming" inside white space, it's difficult to truly picture what the words are conveying. I think you're trying to imply a zoom without saying it explicitly, but it's hard to get a grasp on it.

The introduction of Tweak (also, instead of placing "Asleep" at the end, maybe say "A sleeping satellite, TWEAK...", that way it personifies the character before the named introduction) is the same way, in regards to the way you describe the planet and the light coming around it and charging the satellite. I can get a grasp on what you're saying, but only after pondering the lines for several moments. It just doesn't scan well. It doesn't flow well. It's lovely, but you may consider replacing some of the words because even though it's simple, it feels dense.

On the good side, this is a wonderful story so far, with a nice Disney-esque tone. I look forward to reading more.

[tous]

Thank you both so much for reading this.

Oz, your suggestion brings much insight. One string at a time would be a better approach to this sort of story, as I think-- originally, building it up brick by brick kept everything too heavy. So! Baby words and all the apple sauce I can think of will be a refreshing start. (thank you for the email!)

Napolyphonic, Your suggestion with Tweak, is a HUge step-up. It's funny that such a small change can effect the out-look so much. Thank you for that. And by all means, find more!

Well, since the responses seem to validate the same faults, I think I'm going to take this down. Thanks, once again- everyone for reading, or looking- smelling? and taking an interest.

[LF]

Hey Tous,

I'm sorry I haven't had time to read any scripts lately, I'm in prep for a project. I'm still going to be busy, but I saw your last post and wanted to ask if you still need feedback on the draft I downloaded. If so I'll try to find some time. If not, I'll wait for the next draft.

Thanks,
L