Google Earth (Short)

[JamesLindsay]

This is a short that a producer is interested in but still need work! Help!

Attachments:

[fastfreddie]

I was going to put this at the end of my reading line... but if a producer's interested...

[JamesLindsay]

Sorry I meant he (the producer) liked it and was interested but is booked up for the year.

So it's not being looked at, at the moment!!!

If you're interested!!!

Sorry to be misleading

[escarondito]

That's pretty funny. Also, darkly comic at the end. I like it. Only thing I'm thinking is who says "mobile phone" anymore?

[JamesLindsay]

escarondito

Thanks for reading!!!!! I know it needs a polish but glad you enjoyed it!!!!!

As for mobile phone I'm in Australia and that's what we call it!!!!! Can easily be changed to 'cell' or whatever if produced!!!!! That's funny though didn't even think of that!!!!

cheers

James

[escarondito]

That's what putting stuff on the club helps with. now EXALT ME!!!!

[mydoggeorge]

Here is what I found - just my suggestions and crits.

Page 1 - the conversation between Sarah and Ben does not seem to flow.
Maybe Ben should have a stance where he stands pensive when she answers
him? Not sure...

Sarah should be getting more upset at Ben or something when he calls on Page 2.
Something should happen where she tells him to back off or something -
creating more of a rage for Ben. That way, maybe it sets up the ending
better.

The big paragraph on Page 3 about the Google Earth website should be condensed.

In the condensed paragraph you introduced Ben's boss but did not give his name.
Later when Drew comes up he says Lumburgh - so is it Drew's boss or is it
Ben's boss or both?

You could introduce him earlier - as LUMBURGH. Like - Ben's Boss LUMBURGH,
an arrogant, tightwad, silently swoops in behind him.

That would set up the uneasy feeling that Ben gets when Drew tells him about
the van.

When Drew asks Ben if Lumburgh knows where he lives and then Ben asks - What?
Why?

Maybe before Drew speaks you could put in a line of action to show -
Drew motions with his fist, softly striking Ben and smiling.

Then after Ben says Funny...

Ben looks upset.

Ben stares at the screen - not listening to the rest of Drew's responses - (suggestions)
Drew's mouth is moving - only muffled sounds.
Ben stares intently at the computer screen.

Something about hanging the washing out? Not sure but maybe that needs to be
changed.

Ben should have O.S. next to his name - not down below.

Also Ben should be more angered - possibly use explanation marks.

Sarah looks out the window - (suggestion) to an empty street.

Next big paragraph on Page 5 -

(suggestion)
Ben whips through the streets near his house at a high rate of speed.
He barrels past a white panel van with sunlight streaming off the windshield,
causing a blind spot. An arm waves out the window as he races past.
Moments later he screeches to a halt in front of his house.

Page 6 -

(suggestion)
Sounds of a man grunting, smashing objects - glass shattering and a stifled
scream permeate the atmosphere.
(I personally woudl not put the dial tone thing with the modem - not sure who
uses that anymore.)

I would also condense the last paragraph - way to long.

The last comments from Ben need to be formatted.

Also - I am not sure if this is supposed to a comedy/drama/tragedy/irony?
Oh one last thing - not sure if I would use Google Earth - not sure how
those people feel about things like this.

Well, these are just my comments. Just take them for what they are comments. It is by no means a knock on your screenplay. I am learning all of this myself.
Thanks.

[JamesLindsay]

Mydoggeorge

This is exactly why I joined a group like this.

As for the genre, dark humour.

I will definately take these notes into account for my next draft!!!

cheers mate

James