The Entertainer (Short)

[JamesLindsay]

2nd draft of a short I'm thinking of being my first as director.

Attachments:

[Deleted]

This was blank when I opened it.

[JamesLindsay]

I've reattched file should work now.

cheers

James

[oz]

Hi James

I've tried twice now and can't get this to open.

[oz]

Oops! It did download, just got buried in my stack on the desktop. Sorry.

I'll get to this ASAP.

[JamesLindsay]

oz

I'm glad it finally worked I was starting to think I couldn't attach a simple file!!!!

Enjoy and be honest!!!!

[glengarry]

James-

So I read both of your shorts and i have your feature printed in a stack just under Oz's. Hope to take a look soon.

As for your shorts, I like this one over the Google Earth one for sure. I see what your getting at with this and i think that is what my comment is too. I think any audience is also going to be with you (or ahead of you) on this one. That isn't to say that predictable is bad. In fact, just the opposite in this case as the prediction is the expectation we have as the moment approaches where you reveal who this guy really is. Turns out he is a road safety speaker. pretty good...

But was that the best one you had come up with or the first one? This would be an oportunity to brain storm 10 of the craziest ideas for what this guy 'really does' and then pick the one that would give you the most to use in the ending.

The first one is- Michael travels the globe giving seminars about the dangers of inhaling helium at clown colleges. Not my favorite either but I just put myself on the spot. But it would allow you to have Michael walk out onto a stage in front of an audience of clowns and immediately speak in a high pitched squeal.

I'm sure others here can provide better examples than that (sniff... sniff... I smell a challenge)

But that would be my best comment. The audience knows he is going to have a strange job but it's up to you to create a clever surprise.

As a general note, I would also repeat a previous posting where I noted to make the screenplay a good, lean, fun, tone setting, character filled, page turning read even if you are the one that is going to shoot it. Seemed like a large part of the description was going through what your camera is going to catch rather than what the audience is experiencing. Make it a screenplay!

Good luck on the shoot and post a link when it's done! make it fun!

[JamesLindsay]

glengarry

Thank you for spending the time to read and more importantly comment on it!!!! I really appreciate it!!!!

I get a mixed response to both Google Earth and this one. Some like one or the other so I guess they both have an audience!!!! maybe???

Yes when I started writing this I wondered how obvious the outcome was and a producer told me he thought it was okay if they knew he had a 'weird' job but not if they could guess the exact job!!!! Which is very much inline with your comments!!!! So all good so far....

As for it being the best one I can come up with? No it's not!!!!! I jotted down heaps of different options which on the original draft I had a list of a couple but another producer said I should just stick to one and if it's optioned then it can be improved/changed.

Road Traffic officer is okay!!!! yeah maybe it is but now you point it out for all to see, it isn't a bang laugh out loud reveal and for a short that isn't good enough!!!!

Actually I'm a little disappointed about how blaise it is. The one I liked more but was talked out of was that he was a sex education teacher in a high school and he stuffs up rolling a condom onto a banana and looks into the camera ala Michael Scott from the Office (shame and understanding!)

I like your version but even that can be improved on!!!! So maybe a better example can be generated by the good people on this discussion board? or maybe I should just get off my bum and do it myself!!!!

As for the overly directive actions In my defence (and it's very flimsy) I intended on shooting this as my first as director and because I'm a teacher I used the Road Safety angle because I had the location (my school) and when I was writing I was thinking about how I would shoot!!!

I know I know it's no excuse and a screenplay should be written by the writer to be interpretted by the director!!!!

Thank you so much for feedback!!!!

Did you have any redeeming thoughts on Google Earth or more importantly if you didn't dig it? WHY not?? How can I make it more appealing??

cheers

James

[oz]

Hi, again, James.

Okay, so I open Entertainer and although it is less novella-like, you still have SO MUCH description and very little action lines. It now reads like a novella with some script formatting to break up your big chunks. For example:

MICHAEL, 36, CONFIDENT TO THE POINT OF DILLUSION, STANDS backstage. HE STARES INTO A SMALL camera. Behind a thick black curtain The AUDIENCE buzz ENERGIZES HIM. ===Your five (six?) lines after Fade IN can be condensed like this. Two sentences. It gives the reader a visual of Michael, all of the verbs are active and you save a ton of white space.

Your line--Michael is standing in front of an audience finishing a joke. How about-- Michael DELIVERS A PUNCH LINE TO THE audience. THEN--- The audience off-screen bursts into laughter and Michael just stands there chest out smiling into his adoring audience. COULD BE--- A ROAR OF LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE. MICHAEL SWELLS WITH PRIDE, BOWS. I condensed your five lines into two and eliminated a ton of words. Keep it simple and visual. You're not writing a novel.

I see you've posted quite a few pieces and that's great. Perhaps, though, you should read some full scripts on the site that have gotten good reviews---Mike has several, as well as any other scripts you can get your hands on. It's just like going to a new place to live where the dialect it a little different and yet pretty soon you talk just like them. Let your brain absorb what a script looks like and pretty soon you'll be writing script-like and it will be easier to read. I truly mean only good things by this critique. Heck, even after you get the basics down it's hard to get it anything close to perfect, but that's our job. And any good idea you have will only bloom once you're able to convey the story visually.

Good luck and keep going!