Wet Sand - 2nd Draft

[JamesLindsay]

Hey all,

I've just joined and browsed through a few replies and will spend the next few days reading other scripts. (and commenting!)

This is my first feature I feel good enough to be read, it needs work so be brutal!!!

Thanks in advance!

James

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[Deleted]

James,

I would like to help you out on the read but I am way behind in my reading already. I still owe others some notes.

I had a few questions though. Do you write your scripts in Word? If so, you may want to look at a product like www.Celtx.com. It is free screenwriting software. If you exported your project to Word to make it readable, then you may want to consider exporting it to a .PDF file instead. I can see the formatting is off in some places. Word is evil that way.

Is this a script you are trying to sell? If so, there is WAY too much direction in it.

If I get some time, I will write up some notes on it, but I can't promise anything.

[JamesLindsay]

MyBrainHurts,

Thanks for the feedback mate, yeah I downloaded into Word from a free software program, I'll have to figure out a better way!!

cheers

James

[Deleted]

I think you will like Celtx. It is a free download and it will give you some basic tools to work with.

[JamesLindsay]

MyBrainHurts

Downloaded the celtx software and am in the process of retyping 'Wet Sand' and I am finding this a very rewarding process.

I'm trying to refine the action and tinker with the dialogue.

Thanks mate I'll repost when I have new edition!!

[alexmesmer]

I'm new here as well, but James, your script, as it stands now, is not easy on the eyes. Cut the fat out. Good luck.

[oz]

Hello, James, and welcome.

I opened your script and honestly couldn't get through it. Couple of things: This is a novella with the dialogue centered, not a script. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to learn the basics and bring your absolute best attempt to the boards. If you've read even a dozen scripts (which is hardly an education), you know not to present your scene descriptions and action lines as you have.

I don't even know what your story's about because the formatting, again, as a novel with the dialogue centered was too distracting. Everything I read made me want to correct it to script formatting. The other reason is because you have too on the nose dialogue with primarily cheeky boys and yet I have no reason to care for them. You didn't establish anything.

Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, just a reality check. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not here to teach you how to write a script. I come here to help and to learn. What you presented is an unthinkable request for assistance and I don't think you'll find too many who will offer that much until you learn and present the basics of screenwriting.

Hope you'll put the work in and post an updated version because that's what we're here for---to help when we can.

Good luck to you! And don't be discouraged. Read every script you can get your hands on and watch a ton of movies. If you can't give that much, then consider a shot at novels.

[bjl]

Hey James,

Oz's message is harsh... but fair!!

Too novella like and confusion with the verbs! I'm not here to beat you up on it but rather you should go back and do a whole rewrite focusing on the 'fat' as it was so eloquently described as.

My internet cut out after I downloaded it and this made me stick with it as I couldn't download any other scripts to review. And you know what, I'm glad I did.

There is a very good story inside all that 'fat' and although it needs work I think you should definitely persist.

Yes I agree the main protagonist is not very likable at the start but as I persisted it became clear he was a product of his environment and as the story evolved I actually found myself caring for him and hoping things would turn around.

(I didn't like the main guy in hurt locker either)

You had the 3 act structure present and although the dialogue was best suited to American Pie it had quite a big heart.

I gave it to my wife to read and she didn't know any better to be distracted by the structural problems and she actually cried during the 3rd act so the story obviously has a presence. I just can't reiterate enough to go through and 'CUT OUT THE FAT'

I'd love to read a rewrite.

Keep up the writing!

Anyone else reading this should at least give it a go, but I do understand if you can't swim through it though.

Hope this helps!!!!

BJL

[Deleted]

James,

I took a look at your script and I would have to agree with the others. It is VERY verbose.

It sounds like it is a good story so I thought I would have a second look at it.

I did a rewrite on the first 5 pages (I know I said 10 in my email, but work is getting busy) to show you the potential of how you can streamline what you currently have.

Your first five pages is 1,263 words. My version is 973. I even added a little here and there, and I still cut it by 290 words and half a page.

I was just rewriting what you had already written. I was not looking to cut content. I am sure that if you took a hard look at my version, you might be able to cut out even more that is not related to the story.

Here are both versions so you can see the difference.

Wet Sand Original

Wet Sand Rewrite

I hope that helps. If you have any questions, please let me know.

[mydoggeorge]

Hi James - I took off of what My Brain Hurts did and put it to more of a re-write - although I took the liberty of editing out some of what you had written. Just to give you an idea.

Like I try to say - Take it for what it is - Just one man's opinion.

DREAM -

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Seagulls hover above an isolated beach.

THOMAS MCINTOSH (15), faces the water, buried up to his neck in sand. He’s a good looking fairly unassuming teenager.

ANNE MCINTOSH (44), stares down at him from the beach house. She’s attractive and holds her age well.

MICK JONES (45), Thomas’ Step-Dad slinks up behind his mom, pecks her on the cheek. The wetness of the kiss splashes across his eyes. He senses something wrong -- it unfolds before him.

Mick pushes Anne from behind -- she falls and hits the railing. He lunges on top of her -- plunges a butcher knife deep in her chest -- THWACK!

He repeats the knife trusts. THWACK-THWACK!

THOMAS

Mom!

(to Mick)

NO!

END DREAM -

INT. THOMAS BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Thomas bolts up in bed. Heaves in and out -- breathing hard. Sweat drips off him while he gets out of bed. He’s already dressed.