Alien Attack

[sebru]

Hello,

I wrote this short two weeks ago, planning to do it ourselves in August. Currently, some of my friends are working on the alien design and the make up.

I would like to hear your feedback and how you would see this script turned into a movie.

Thanks,
Sebastian

Attachments:

[glengarry]

This is quite a short! A lot going on and you mentioned you are thinking of producing this?! Wow! Got a lot of effects in this...

It's tough for me to judge most of the shorts that I read because there can be a big difference between a short written to be read and a short written to be produced. Although i would argue that there shouldn't be.

Alien Attack felt like a script to be produced and less of a script to be read. It's large on detail and rather light on characters, dialogue and tone. I guess I just felt that the read was one of 'Okay, this is written in a way that describes to the writer how they want to see it when they direct it' and less in terms of 'this is written in a way that moves any reader and damn the director - they'll just have to remember what they want specifically in their own head!'

If I were to suggest anything it would be to just SHOOT IT! Go for it and have some fun. if i were to be a know-it-all-dweeboid (which I am!)...

I would tell you to look at the script again and figure out a way to contain it a bit more. Maybe start your film with the brothers already in the basement and then salt and pepper the rest with the flashbacks that tell their story. This should help you reel this in a little. Think of it as the Tom Cruise - Tim Robbins sequence from War of The Worlds but they're brothers. That way you can choose to have all of the exterior alien attack stuff or not depending on what your production can handle.

Either way good luck! AND in the future (even if it's a short) write it for the reader!

[JamesLindsay]

Bloody hell I just wrote a huge 5000 character reply and have forgotten alot of it!!!

I'll truncate it!!!!

Really dug the opening scene but then by the time I got to the end I forgot about the letter and even after a reread still don't see the significance. Please enlighten? Also the whole grown up Robert seemed redundant and could have been scraped or tightened up?

Is this an animation piece, migs and buildings up seems pretty expensive but if you can pull it off, awesome would love to see it!

I really liked the 'iron' scene and how an innocuous incident can have such an impact of lives. However when I was reading how it paid off later I thought it was too telegraphed. I forgot about the script and thought the writer has done this to his face just so it can work for a scene later. Cynical? maybe

Was the giant bear trap put there to eventually catch a robot/alien??? Were the boys doing their left, left, left thing in preparation for the real deal? It seemed a little cute and neat for me but hey maybe I'm cynical??

This seemed to me to be more of an exerpt from a feature than the structure of a short. As an exerpt done well would be a great tool to reel in producers??

Either way I hope my critisms are taken as help and you can write!!!

cheers

James

[sebru]

Guys thank you for your comments.

glengarry you are right, I wrote the short to be produced, rather than be read, so apologize it doesn't really comply with the conventions.
and james, you spotted well that this could be a sequence from a feature rather than a stand-alone short. I need to find the best marketing strategy, because my script is not about aliens, but about two brothers who reunite after a long time. The aliens are like the aliens in 'signs', they interfere in the story. maybe alien attack is not the best title. if you have other ideas, let me know.

[LF]

Seems cool, looking forward to seeing it.

A bit nitpicky, but why are there bear traps even with a kid around? Would they be in the open clearing near the house? (I buy it in the flashback, but less so in the present, twenty, thirty years later.)

And the house seems like it's relatively close to the city; otherwise the trip to get there would be unbelievably long. Maybe Robert could see the attack of the city on the train when it's a bit away from the city? If he does have to go through a lot to get to the house, then he should be a little worse for the wear when you see him by the trees (just something to remember).

I liked the backstory and you using the letter to get the character on the train. Would be nice to see a bit of payoff with the wife/son in the end. Maybe work them into the finale action scene?

Also loved the setup, seeming like some character piece, but suddenly, it's set in this fantastical world of an alien attack. Speaking of which, I do think you need a new title haha, but I can't think of one yet. I'll keep thinking.

Good luck with production!
L

[sebru]

hi L, yes thanks:)
i'm thinking of other titles myself

[tous]

Hey, I really enjoyed it. Sounds like it could be made into something bigger with the whole brotherly thing.
I saw the envelope as that... what do they call it? It's some screenwriting technique that merely exists in a scene, without any significance at all; as a mere implement to PURPOSELY push the story forward. Well, whatever it is, I'm sure someone knows.

Anyways- I would agree with James if your looking for some other casted votes.
-The wounded scar-- and the bear traps.
--Only because the reasoning for this is simple. It's a SHORT. So it's really tough to work with your limited supply of scenes. In that sense, what you need to do is very carefully, manipulate us. What I mean is... BECAUSE every scene is purposely made for the next one, have the ending to be MORE than the scenes it added up to. More than the sum of it's parts. Does that make sense?
-- What you have is great. Such a really intense and loving environment, also scary, to be in. But this is a story worth being told.

The other comment was that it may be too-- telegraphed.
Maybe, there needs to be little hints, that can convince us of the "why".
Something in their backstory, that you can clue us in on as to - why do they run around traps? Cleary, yes- we can see there is nothing to do, they are in the woods. But! Do they have problem with wolves? Perhaps their mother calls them inside. --because once again, clearly this is part of their daily lives- but you chose to show it to us. I think you just need to distract us from the important of the traps if what James has suggested has made an impression on you.

(Also, I would think the trap would have been set off- or used after all these years. By something-- be it by weather, or small animal)

And the things with the LEFTS is clearly to mark the traps right? but when I first read it- i thought it had something to do with the military :/, or their father but... that's just another thought.

So! I know this script was merely for you eyes only, but I would also agree with Glen, because this writing sample can be really useful to other readers.
But, it's your guideline, and tthat's the way I would have written it too-- with all these little notes of who does whaT and what's on the side-- so you wrote that really nicely and specificly to you- which I followed no problem. I could see the humor that you wanted and I would have definitely laughed if I saw it on film with the whole train thing-- the bubble gum and them rushing to his side-- THEN CHANGING it to him locking everyone out. Very intense. Nice.

Oh, and just to add one thing. I couldn't see how the alien would have a "bullet" operating gun-- especially the size of his wounded scar. I only mention this because-- and you'll find them on GITS-- that the recently viewed shorts that have alien invasions, even as a backdrop-- use some type of weapon that a) we haven't seen before. Or b) easily referenced to having being coined in a video game.
So contemporary speaking, I would assume, for all it's technological advances as to having space ships, tthat they would use lasers, but that's just me.
Perhaps maybe? (and this would be quite the CG effect under-tacking) but you could have the alien pull out a small pistolized weapon, like the CRICKET in M.I.B. and have the whole goddamn tree blow up-- with shards of bark falling all around them. Might make it a bit of a funny ending but just a thought.

Anyways I'll try and think of some titles too, its a hard one