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Post by echomusic on Jul 6, 2010 11:22:55 GMT -5
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Post by fastfreddie on Jul 7, 2010 12:28:37 GMT -5
Hey Echomusic,
I hope you're doing well.
I downloaded your SP... it was a mpeg file. What the hell do I do with this? Please advise.
Derek
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Post by echomusic on Jul 7, 2010 12:44:55 GMT -5
Freddie, my apologies -- I have no clue what happened there.
The post above is fixed with a new link.
Sorry about that
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Post by fastfreddie on Jul 7, 2010 12:48:26 GMT -5
Echomusic,
Got it!
Thanks,
Derek
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Post by echomusic on Jul 7, 2010 12:59:43 GMT -5
I'm gonna chalk it up to extreme jet-lag. Just got back from vacation and my body has no clue what time of day it is.
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Post by mydoggeorge on Jul 7, 2010 13:35:18 GMT -5
I got the screenplay and did a quick read of it. It was entertaining and kept me wanting to read more. I like the story it's a good concept but I have two issues - How come Jake does not come right out and run over to Natalie when she comes into the bar? I think that would be the reaction of anyone that they were looking for - for the last eight months.
Also - The ending was a bit of a let down for me - I guess I wanted to know more instead of being left in a cliffhanger. Maybe something - a cue or anything.
I will go back through and re-read later.
Well those are two quick observations that I had with a quick read. Just a newbie so take it for what its worth.
Thanks for sharing.
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Post by echomusic on Jul 8, 2010 8:28:07 GMT -5
I got the screenplay and did a quick read of it. It was entertaining and kept me wanting to read more. I like the story it's a good concept but I have two issues - How come Jake does not come right out and run over to Natalie when she comes into the bar? I think that would be the reaction of anyone that they were looking for - for the last eight months. Also - The ending was a bit of a let down for me - I guess I wanted to know more instead of being left in a cliffhanger. Maybe something - a cue or anything. I will go back through and re-read later. Well those are two quick observations that I had with a quick read. Just a newbie so take it for what its worth. Thanks for sharing. Re: Jake not running over to Natalie – why do you think he didn’t do it? It’s somewhat explained within the conversation with Sullivan afterwards, but it’s something that can be left up to the viewer to interpret. Re: ending – The ending should leave you with one main question and that question is the main idea of the entire story – Who we choose to be and the factors that effect our decisions. What were some of the things you wanted answered? Thank you for taking the time to read it. |
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Post by fastfreddie on Jul 8, 2010 18:08:36 GMT -5
Echo,
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather... may he R.I.P. I had a brother die recently... definitely helps get your priorities sorted out.
Great to hear about the films and everything... sounds like you're moving in the right direction... I will live vicariously through you... keep us posted.
In regard to Love Alters, I'm sorry I cannot respond as quickly as you did for me... but I'll get to it shortly.
Derek
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tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Jul 8, 2010 20:29:44 GMT -5
Hey Echo This story was still very much fresh and alive in my mind so this whole storyline didn't seem that altered to me. Not sure who the extra character was, maybe i didn't notice. however, i did notice that maybe one or two scenes were shortened? in the back of my mind i felt they useed to be longer so walla  Maybe i'm too blended in with the story to notice the changes, but as I said in the previous thread, the theme and choices of love still remain for me. Very powerful message entwined in an exciting story for one's true want, whether it's synthetic or not. ================= Previous post:
Wow, really enjoyed it!
I'd have to give it another read through to analyze it, but the whole index card thing - opened up so many possibilities, it was a great concept.
Aaand this might not be a good thing to say if its not what you'd want someone to say or think, or possibly think about saying- but the ending to me-- I think it really showed a turn of things you normally don't see in boy chases girl-- that love- although is usually found to be completely selfless, can sometimes be found cloaked in selfishness. --
All around M-Azing.
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oz
Full Member
Posts: 166
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Post by oz on Jul 9, 2010 21:01:58 GMT -5
Hey Echo. I also remember this script from back when and enjoyed the story a great deal then. Have to say I, like Tous, don't see a great deal different and I tried to go back to the original posting but your link doesn't work. That's okay, though, because regardless of what you changed, there's still, in my opinion, a great deal of work to be done here. And I only say that to help because the story's great.
What I liked:
--Still, the story's great. I'm sorry I didn't recall the old post well enough to notice any changes you may have made story-wise. Have no problem with the ending, personally. Not every story needs to be wrapped up nice and neat at the end so I say keep it if you love it.
What I didn't like:
--For an "updated version", I guess I expected the writing to be cleaned up. You go back and forth between passive and active verbs-sometimes in the same sentence-and that makes it more difficult to read and just fall into the story. I don't even care which one you use, just pick one and stick to it. I know the standard is no -ing words but I've seen plenty of produced scripts that use that passive phrasing throughout. When you can't stick to one or the other, though, well, now I'm repeating myself.
--There are many times throughout the script where it reads like you're dictating it to someone as the images come to your mind rather than writing the story. Example: Pg 25---Jake is running, running, running..... It was actually at this point that I was able to figure out a way to express how distracting it is with the feeling of you actually pacing the room verbally telling what your mind's eye imagined the scenes to be while someone tapped away at the keys. In this one example, you can condense the three or four paragraphs to two or three lines and it will tell a crisper, more visual story. Perhaps: Jake races after the car. It speeds away and becomes smaller until the tail lights disappear. Jake collapses. Determined, he again takes chase until he, too, disappears.
I took line notes but gave up at page 26 because I was repeating myself but I'll give you what I have:
Pg 5---Ed asks Jake what he does--numbers analysis. They work together, Ed knows this. I get that you're trying to set up the loving gaze at the picture, but I'd rework this.
--Ed leaves to get back to work---just 'Ed leaves'.
--Again with 'jake stands up....Perhaps Jake extends a hand to greet Liam.
Pg 7--Formatting--Liam's line "How well..." is indented one space.
--"And Jake is stunned"--don't need 'and'
--At Liam's line 'and let me finish...'---don't need this line
Pg 8--Jake's line---Is she having an affair?---don't need that line
Pg 9--Liam's line '...wouldn't presume...' needs rework, it's awkward
Pg 10--At Jake's line, 'no, I won't let her...." Awkward. Perhaps, 'you're insane'.
--SD line, "stops & looks at Jake, slightly." Drop the adverb. You have quite a few adverbs throughout. Really need to rework to have as few as possible. Too novelistic.
Pg 11--when Jake asks, 'who is Liam..." How about 'what is overture.."
Pg 12---Again, 'gets up, TRIES to outspin..." The active verbs just take up less space and sounds, well, more active.
Pg 14--You don't need the "this is Spiers", don't need "Jake and Natalie say nothing." There's no dialogue. We know they say nothing.
--Confusing----WHO goes to take a step towards the car? You have two men in the scene and you say He.
Pg 20 --The manager at the door tricking them to open up has been done to death. You can come up with something else. It would be more surprising for Natalie to go into the bathroom and be escorted out by the thugs.
Pg 21--Why do you underline whole sentences? And you underline way too much throughout; in the scene descriptions, action lines and dialogue. When you underline that much, it almost begins to look like you were marking the page to make a change because they don't stand out as anything special after the first 10.
Pg 23--'She stops halfway there." clunky. So is, "Jake goes to get up". This goes back to me saying it sounds like you dictated as opposed to gave careful thought to each word and sentence which is what you need to do.
Pg 24--REALLY novelistic writing here.
Pg 25--already addressed this, the 'running, running, running' scene.
Pg 26--"Looks as sweet as can be" is not a character description. AGAIN sounds like you're verbally telling this story by the campfire. You're a writer, come up with something that's not cliche and create a visual image that DEFINES sweet as can be.
Okay, so you probably think I really dumped on you here but I'm trying to help. Your story's good. Now you need to get it in shape so it's marketable. You can do this. Take your time and dissect every word choice, every sentence for conciseness, for visual impact, for sharpness. The story idea is the easy part, the real work comes in the conveying in written form something that is a product worth buying.
Good luck to you and DON'T take the easy way out. Do the work and you'll have something really valuable here. AND you'll cut about six to ten pages off! : )
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Post by fastfreddie on Jul 9, 2010 21:23:30 GMT -5
Damn, oz... you're scaring the shit out of me. I need to go back and re-work my screenplay.
Derek
mental note... oz hates adverbs... need to word search "ly."
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oz
Full Member
Posts: 166
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Post by oz on Jul 9, 2010 23:45:55 GMT -5
Geez, Derek, I hope you were just teasing because I don't want to scare anyone! Am I being TOO forthright? I expect brutal honesty when people read my pages because if I don't know what doesn't work, how can I improve?
I critique in detail with the intention of offering fresh eyes because I know what it's like to be so close to it that you can't see the problems.
I guess I look at it like there's nothing to fear if you're learning or helping. That's why this place works. So change your drawers and post your pages, Derek---I dare ya! : )
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Post by fastfreddie on Jul 10, 2010 1:15:23 GMT -5
oz,
I was teasing. You're one of the big reasons that GITS is a great website. So, keep providing us with your insightful and honest reviews... that's how we're all gonna become better writers.
Now if you'll excuse me... I need to change my drawers.
Derek
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tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Jul 11, 2010 16:11:54 GMT -5
Damn, oz... you're scaring the shit out of me. I need to go back and re-work my screenplay. Derek mental note... oz hates adverbs... need to word search "ly." hahahha! No Oz, it's what's needed. truly. I myself.. should go change my room. And you reminded me of STORY by Mckee, where he pratically yells at the reader if you ever use adverbs and ajd, or any extra wording. Hates the word "we" and dictates that a character is never in a state of being. "he is standing" - should be "he stands". And how can a character start something. It's either he does or doesn't. A bit harsh haha, but, it's what sticks - and Scott put that new post up about taking what sticks from other writers a few days ago, so here's to that! |
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