Double Bill! "Undying Vengence" and... "untitled"

[dannyfsantos]

First time post! I'm working out two story ideas, a feature and a short that can be expanded into a feature. First up:

Undying Vengence: "When a detective finally tracks down his parent's murderer, he learns the shocking truth: the murderer is immortal"

and second... I don't have a title for it so any help would be awesome:

Untitled: "A young man and woman who can't each other have their consciences accidentally transported to an alternate universe where they're madly in love"

All feed back is appreciated so tear them up to your heart's content!

[mscherer]

dannyfsantos,

Two things struck me immediately about Undying Vengeance :

1. what is this detective’s flaw? Alcoholic? (way overdone) – cynical? (aren’t they all?). If he is to complete his arc the end of the script, he needs to start from a place that demonstrates what it is he lacks emotionally/physically/psychologically.

2. what are the stakes? The killer is immortal. So what? Does the detective pack it in and go home? Or is there a life or death struggle where the detective finally figures out how to kill/disable/neutralize the killer?


As for Untitled:
What is accomplished by transporting their ‘consciences’ (I think that should be consciousness) to this alternate universe? Do these folks know they have been transported to this place? What are the stakes? If they don’t ever get together, who cares? Need to give the audience something/somebody to root for.

I apologize for being negative, but I believe a logline should tell the reader at least four (4) things:
1. Who is the Protagonist?
2. Who is the Antagonist?
3. What is the Situation?
4. What are the Stakes?

Hope this helps get the creative juices flowing as you,

Keep Writing!

[dannyfsantos]

Thanks for the feedback! Just got from Boston so it's taken me a bit to get back to you.

With Undying Vengence, uh, yeah I forgot to put in the revenge part into the logline as it is a revenge film. He tries to get revenge despite the fact that the antagonist can't die.

Untitled I'm still working out the shape of, but the idea is basically that under slight differences these two characters would have a very different life together. Kind of in the same vein as "It's a Wonderful Life".

I've always been told that loglines should be as short as possible and just give the very basic suggestion of the plot. I'll take another stab at it with your suggestions.

Thanks again!

[Jonathan]

Jul 13, 2010 13:49:54 GMT -5 dannyfsantos said:

With Undying Vengence, uh, yeah I forgot to put in the revenge part into the logline as it is a revenge film. He tries to get revenge despite the fact that the antagonist can't die.

Giving it the ole college try. Blowing off some steam. At least he might get to take a swing at the guy.

But, seriously, you should probably find a more descriptive way to convey "immortal." Satan? Vampire? Demon?

Also maybe hint at what kind of confrontation there could be, as the logline makes the detective's entire endeavor seem pointless. As if he knocks on the killer's door only to be laughed at, told "I am immortal," and sent away with his tail tucked between his legs.