A Good Brother

[emhoward]

I'm new to the forum but I've been reading this blog for a year or so. Here's the logline to a script I'm nearly finished with. Any help would be appreciaited.

A Good Brother.
Leon is a big time player and is proud of it, his world is shook when he discovers his twin sister Erica is just as promiscuous as he is. Leon goes on a quest to renew his sister's innocence while also being forced to deal with his own issues in relation to girls.

Comedy, Drama.

[mscherer]

emhoward,

Leon is a big time player and is proud of it, his world is shook when he discovers his twin sister Erica is just as promiscuous as he is. Leon goes on a quest to renew his sister's innocence while also being forced to deal with his own issues in relation to girls.

Really don’t see any stakes in this logline. If he doesn’t deal with his own issues or doesn’t renew his sister’s innocence (what does that mean any way??), who really cares? No stakes – no interest.

Here is my take on this – and remember, this is only my opinion and opinions are like A**holes, everyone has one.

An international playboy has his world shaken to its very foundation when he discovers his sister works for a coke-peddling pimp and struggles to save her from certain death while facing his misogynistic ways.

Ehh, not great but there are stakes and the fact that brother and sister are, from society’s perspective, poles apart, adds a certain dynamic to the story.

Like I said: One man’s opinion.

Keep Writing!

[emhoward]

Thanks for the help. Stakes are a tricky thing I never know if Im giving too much info or too little. Lets try this again.
Leon is a high school senior. His reputation is that of a Player

[emhoward]

Thanks for the help. Stakes are a tricky thing I never know if Im giving too much info or too little. Lets try this again.
Leon is a high school senior. His reputation is that of a Player and he is proud of it. Word gets around that his twin sister Erica had an explicit sexual experience at a party and that she may be more promiscuous than he. Leon confronts Erica and makes several attempts to persuade her to stop all sexual activity before she gets pregnant, catches something, or becomes a hoe forever.

[patricks]

I think the info in the new logline helps us see where you're going, but as a logline, it doesn't work - it's too long and too detailed. It also doesn't sound very funny, which is bad news for a comedy. And the idea that Leon has to clean up his own act gets lost, making it sound like the script condones his promiscuity while condemning his sister's. (In fact, this may be the biggest obstacle in this premise regardless).

A high school romeo tries to clean up his act after discovering his twin sister may be following in his ways.

Still, this sounds rather slight to support an entire 110-page screenplay. I think you need to raise the stakes even higher - put the sister in some real jeopardy rather than hitting her with the social consequences of her actions.

Hope that helps!

Patrick Sweeney
I Blame Ninjas

[emhoward]

It does help, thanks a lot. I knew it was too long for a logline but I figured if I could get all the information in I could cut and condense afterward with the help of people like you and others on this board.
Again, thanks.

[JamesLindsay]

When I'm writing a logline I think of the voiceover dude for the trailers and what would/could he say in a sentence that would grab my attention?

I can't imagine him saying hoe!!!!

I agree with the other posts about upping the stakes. There are so many movies out there I need to hear the logline and go wow this might be interesting! Otherwise I'm not seeing it!

I'll have a go and see if I can give an example but keep up the writing!!

Cheers

James