The Survival Guy & Mail Order

[jlbeck]

Hello GITS Club. This is my first post (like the board so far).

I figured I'd spring a few log lines to get opinions and see what people think. I'm a film student with screenwriting in mind. Writing my first feature script right now. It's tentatively called "The Survival Guy," the logline:

Big time loser Kevin Hopke lands a job filming a TV survival show only to find out that the host is a fraud.

The second logline I'd like to pitch is for an idea I've got on the backburner and really want to develop. It is tentatively called "Mail Order."

Divorce attorney John Smith's friends think he needs to get married, so, in a drunken stupor, they get him a wife, from Russia.

Probably not very good, definitely need work, but I think they have potential. Any thoughts or ideas (especially on the latter) would be much appreciated.

[mscherer]

jlbeck,

Let’s start with my personal vision for a logline. And remember, this is only one man’s opinion. A logline should include:
1. The Protagonist.
2. The Antagonist.
3. The Situation.
4. The Stakes.

Neither logline expresses the stakes.

Big time loser Kevin Hopke lands a job filming a TV survival show only to find out that the host is a fraud.

Okay. So what? Why should I care? Why should I root for this guy? What are the stakes?

Same goes for:

Divorce attorney John Smith's friends think he needs to get married, so, in a drunken stupor, they get him a wife, from Russia.

I can see where there is plenty of opportunity for comedic situations, humor, etc. but, that is the situation – what does this guy have to lose by marrying this Russian woman? What does she stand to gain? Is there conflict?

I would recommend that you retool your loglines to include the Stakes, then come back for comments.

Again, one man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

Keep Writing!

[jlbeck]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. Let me try again.

For the first:
Big time loser Kevin Hopke lands a job filming a TV survival show only to find himself trapped in the wilderness with a fraud survivalist.

Not really strong and it's been killing me for a month trying to raise the stakes past survival/escape.

For the second:
Divorce attorney John Smith is up for partner, so to congratulate him, his friend order him a mail order bride.

Is that getting better? Do you have any advice on raising the stakes?

[mgafm]

I think you could establish that Kevin knows nothing about survival either, and just emphasize that it's difficult for them to survive because of conditions. Like, he's got to learn to survive without food, water, etc without killing the other dude.

With the second one, you need to establish why it's a bad thing for him to have a mail order bride.

Divorce attorney JS hates marriage, so he's perfect at his job and is up for partner. When his friends order him a mail order bride as a joke, he has to try to get rid of her before he jeopardizes his job.