On The Shoulders Of Neptune (12pg short)

[lazzard]

Sorry, I'm really not getting this.
Is there something I should know, or is it just a series of sailing puns?
Genuinley mystified.

[fastfreddie]

Zach,

I enjoyed it... very clever. Loved the use of the sailing metaphors. (however, a couple of them need to be re-worked)

Derek

[fastfreddie]

Zach,

A few suggestions and corrections, if you don't mind...

page 2:

BOB
Tell that to my board, they want me
lost at sea.
(mumbling)
I've got so much seaweed on the
rutter.

Okay. I don't quite get the first line... if it's the Board of Directors, they
wouldn't want him "lost at sea" or they would fire him... in keeping with the sailing/nautical theme... how about: "they want me to cut and run."

Misspell: rutter should be (rudder)

page 4:

JOHN
Listen. We need to hunker down.
Sow some sails.

Not a 100% sure... but you sow seeds... you sew sails... and even that doesn't really work, does it?

Bob's chair flys... should be (flies)

BILL
Woah their hanks... should be (Whoa) and is "hanks" too obscure of a term?

page 6:

STANLEY
A crisp sea air... I would lose the (A)

page 7:

Rupert
I think Glen may still have a few
winds left in his sail...

That sounds weird... how about:

RUPERT
I think Glen may still have some
wind left in his sail...

JOHN
Remember... We sail as brothers,
through squall and threw tide.

How about:

JOHN
Remember... We sail as brothers,
through squall and tide.

or something else... you don't THROW tides.

Some other nautical terms that fit within the framework of your story:

1. Cut of his jib.
2. Toe the line.
3. Striking the flag.
4. Down the hatch.
5. Mayday.
6. Show his true colors.
7. Under the weather.
8. Gone by the board.
9. Between the devil and the deep blue sea.

I hope this helps... once again... I loved this piece and I would never attempt this kind of writing in a million years.

Derek

[lazzard]

Yes, I guess I was looking for it to go somewhere.
Feels more like a theatre piece than a screenplay.

[fastfreddie]

Hey Zach,

Great stuff! I loved all your changes.

A few more suggestions and corrections, if you don't mind...

page 1:

Page 1 is not numbered.

Not crazy about the reference to Rocky's coach, Mickey... mixing themes?? Is there a sailor or captain you can replace him with? Captain Ahab? Just a thought.

BOB
(gristled)

Should be grizzled, grumbled, moan, mutter...

STILL MISSING COMMAS THROUGHOUT THE DIALOGUE.

page 2:

RUPERT
We need someone with canon balls.

In my opinion... iron balls, sound better.

page 3:

BILL
We're in a ...

BOB
Trough.

Use the Double Dash -- to denote characters interrupting other characters when speaking.

BILL
We're in a--

BOB
Trough.

page 4:

John's nerve is being pushed to the brink.

I think it should be...

John's nerves are being pushed to the brink.

page 5:

BILL
Land hoe.

Should be... Land Ho! Unless a garden tool just walked into the restaurant.

NOTE: Please word search all the "fuckin" and correct to: fuckin'

ANOTHER NOTE: Formatting concern... I think you should remove the (CONTINUED) and the CONTINUED: at the end and start of every page. Also, the page number that follows CONTINUED: (3) doesn't jive with the number on the page: 4.

You need to address this. I'm sure the GITS readers will provide the correct way.

JOHN
It's just a little chop.

Are you referencing the condition of the sea... then most people say "choppy."

page 6:

RUPERT
The last thing we need is to be
sitting in port, cleated to the
dock.

Nit-picky... most people would say "tied to the dock." I understand you're trying
to work the word "cleat" in there, but...

page 7:

RUPERT
Never an albatross in sight.

Nit-picky... that doesn't roll off the tongue... how about simply:

No albatross in sight.

page 8:

BOB
I'm sure Richard could lend some
cashflow if we chum the wake.

I could be wrong, but... the word "chum" as I know it... is cut up fish guts that you
toss in the water to attract other bigger fish... like sharks... I could be wrong.

Nit-picky: you don't "lend" cashflow... you "ease" or "help" the cashflow.

page 9:

RUPERT
A few weeks in Rhode Island might
set him off course.

Okay. I don't get this exchange about Teddy... when John inquires about Teddy's
well-being, they all seem to care and want the best for him... but then Rupert says the above line... should it not be:

RUPERT
A few weeks in Rhode Island should
right his ship.

This reads more accurate... I think.

I really enjoyed this... GREAT JOB!

Now if you don't mind... I need to finish my chores, so I can watch the Lakers kick the crap out of the Celtics.

Derek

[escarondito]

Couple things.

1) How can the waiter be tired and wide-eyed. Tired to me implies droopy eyed and waiting for those wall street bastards to leave. Especially since the change towards the end of the screenplay shows him working vigorously

2) I actually liked them using the word Hill instead of DC. Its an inner circle word to use that is not so obtuse as to alienate.

3)The bullion line is hilarious for its staunchly-old-rich-white man-ness

4) Page 10 and 6 you use the lines "the fog is lifting". I understand you want it to describe the mood in the room, why not have an actual fog outside, because right now it's jarring wording that doesn't mesh with the narrative flow. It's like wait was there an actual fog outside or is this guy talking about the convo. not only could it be a visual metaphor for your diner conversation as it will lift as they turn from despair to hope, but it'll help explain why these guys are still in this diner while the waiter is clearly trying to clean up and go home. So that way these bankers are not rich assholes, but stranded businessman trying to wait out the fog. And you can easily implement it in the beginning to work with your later "fog clearing" descriptions.

ex:"It's after closing...a fog so thick superman can't see through it surrounds the diner..,a young and tired...(cont.)"

See what I mean?

[Deleted]

I finally had time to sit down and read this. Unfortunately, I had downloaded draft 01, and didn't realize you were on 06...gimme a minute.

[Deleted]

Huge improvements from the first to the sixth draft. Here are my suggestions and notes:


Page 1
JOHN
Alright. All hands on deck and
keep up with my current.

I would suggest:

JOHN
Alright, all hands on deck,
watch the wind, and tack when I do.

A sailor would drift on the current, but he wouldn't suggest someone keep up with his current.

___

The transition of the gentlemen going into the restaurant gets a bit clunky and confusing. I had to reread it a few times. I would suggest:

JOHN
Alright, all hands on deck, watch the wind, and tack when I do. Oh! And-

The three of them enter into-

INT. BOAT THEME RESTAURANT LOBBY

JOHN
(Quietly)
...one last thing…Bob wants to be called Robert.

Stanley peers over John’s shoulder and sees an animated BOB(61) and RUPERT(62) seated at a table.

STANLEY
(Pointing)
There they are on the port side.

They pass a tired WAITER(20) slowly polishing silverware, as they join Bill and Rubert at the table.

Page 6

RUPERT
The LAST thing we need is to be
sitting in port, cleated to the
dock.

I would change it to:

RUPERT
The LAST thing we need is to be
sitting in port, moored to the
dock, with a cleat up our ass!

You don't "cleat" a boat, you moor it. The cleat is the object you use to moor the boat. Added "cleat up the ass" for the visual. I wouldn't want this www.dockbuilders.com/980912-011.jpg up my ass.

Page 10
STANLEY
A boy needs to learn to become a
man.

Suggest:

A boy needs to learn to become a
first mate!

Also on Page 10


BILL
Well Brucie just gave me some
decent news. Says he thinks if I
offer her Greenwich, I should be
able to keep Sir Walter.

STANLEY
I love that boat.

Would add some pop with...

STANLEY
I love that old gal…

All of them stare blankly at Stanley…

STANLY (Cont’d)

The boat. The boat!


While not ALL boats are named after women, most are - www.ehow.com/about_4606761_why-boats-named-after-women.html

Except mine. I still haven't named that sucker.

I hope it helps. I really enjoy seeing the changes.

[Deleted]

FYI - Tried to read your blog but it was by invitation only...