Radicool - animated short

[eprovan]

Howdy,
I'm so glad I found this forum. Everyone seems so helpful. This is my first submission here. Its a script for a animated short film that I'm currently developing. You can learn more about the look/animation by going here...
radicoolfilm.blogspot.com/
I hesitated to post this here because I'm very very new to writing. And also, I wrote this knowing that I would be the one eventually producing it. So, it may seem very sloppy. With that said, I know that I'll only get better from the critiques.

The film is set in 1988 and follows a nerdy young boy who sets out to find a hidden treasure. Very much in the spirit of films from that time (Goonies, Monster Squad, The Gate, etc.) Complete with bully jocks, toxic waste, girls in neon exercise spandex, mongoose bikes, and more.
Enjoy!

Thank you,
Eric Provan


www.ericprovan.com

Attachments:

[tous]

I thought this was a refreshing read. There are a few mistakes in the writing but because your making it yourself, it doesn't actually matter since it'll just be a guideline for you anyways-- but examples being that-- some of the quotes for the news cast are in the description parts, and introducing characters for the first time should be CAPS, tedious stuff like that. And the narrative voice should just be Timmy (V.O.) since it is actually him telling the tale, yes?

I thought you did a really great job with the humor, it was hilarious. The kids, at the news station WOw haha-- oh and the air quotes -- they ya- they put me on guard for a bit because it's been done before but the way you executed it was completely different and gave me a laugh. Simon and Timmy's conversations were on par- and Simon's drifting and unrelated comments were also really funny. Oh man, and the creature's BEEPing had me at hello. I liked how they alluded us to think it was someone's beeper or a machine-- nice!
And Timmy's voice over work where he talks about walking/running -- where it happens that he ends up being a walker at the end of the film, was a nice transformation. I was with you every step of the way.

FIXER?:
The video game part is not necessary, because animating is very time consuming you might want to strip that out since it's only focus was to establish that he is a nerd (we can get from his looks) and doesn't really involve us in the story since it's only explaining how he knew about the treasure and what they planned to do. No- it's a short. you want us to get IN RIGHT AWAY.
Suggestion:
A single line of Dialogue from Timmy of how he knew about the treasure with the jock on jock on jock dialogue would suffice. Also without showing the video game, when Simon asks if he is "ready" -that clues the audience into the mystery.. as in.. ready for what? and are we ready? (anyways just trying to save you some extra work haha)

ALSO:
You drift off with the news anchors a bit. I know, it's funny and your willing to do the work --but for the future, you gotta get to the plot of the story right away ESPECIALLY if it's a a SHORT.
REASON:
People attentions are TIMES'D DOWN on shorts. They are very quick to judge based on the animation, and the first 2 seconds of the story.
-----which as you have it-- it opens with us watching a new's anchor explaining why he has his son there, and then a narrative voice explaining who this kid is-- might get too drawn out for us.
Suggestion:
It would be better if you have it as TIMMY GETTING READY inter-cutting at the same time with us watching the news.

CHARACTERS:
A lot of story on the boyfriend/sister-- where she is used to simply have the boy's get away, it takes too much time away from the boy's even though it establishing how much of a "douche" the jock boyfriend is-- but this is a short so it works.

LANGUAGE:
Mature audiences, I'm sure. Which you have to think about a lot since, if your gonna use this type of graphic (dogs and cats dieing in the rain) or the "bitch" part with the std etc... then know your audience, the age group you will be dealing with.

CHARACTERS:
Upon seeing your characters, they were flawless- especially the jock: you did a really good job making him look evil, OH and Timmy has this eerie look to him which was sweet, but I felt that they would have been a lot smaller? since Jock Boyfriend picks him up and moves him aside---kinda the size of Carl in UP when he was younger-- and maybe the creature being a bit cuter in that gross slimey way but thats just me Great job man! I can tell a lot of work and aspiration went into this so I hope everything works out.

[eprovan]

Wow Tous, I just can't thank you enough for this. You make some great points and I'm already figuring out how to implement them. The 2 big ones being the video game sequence and the opening. I was already looking past both of those aspects and you've helped me re-examine them. I wish I'd had you around for my past 2 animated shorts. =)

The video game part:
This was one of the first ideas I had when I began developing this idea. I love retro pixel art (http://hello.eboy.com/eboy/category/pixorama/) and it would actually be quite easy to do the animation. Much easier then the rest of the 3d animation that is required. But, as my wife often says, "sometimes you have to kill your babies". Shes usually right, unless shes talking about our actual kids. Hmm. After reading your great point, I decided to ditch the sequence from the film and just add a new version while the credits run. This way it won't detract from the story, and I still get to have some fun creating it.

Audience/Language - The idea from the very beginning was to make a film that could have easily been found in your vhs collection in 1988. I love how edgy films for kids from that era are. The thing I hate most about the animation industry today is how they tend to dumb everything down. They treat kids like their creative-less idiots. I really wanted to avoid doing that. No, I don't think its a kids film. But, I think most kids who "accidentally" see this, won't immediately go out and do crack. And, if they do, let me know. I have a cousin who sells it. I'm kidding....maybe.

Again, I really can't thank you enough.

-Eric Provan