JOSH*1138 -- Second Draft

[pyiddy]

Hi Everyone!

I would love to hear any and all comments you might have about a new spec I wrote, entitled JOSH*1138.

It would best be described as GOOD WILL HUNTING meets THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR.

Logline: A down and out NY Times reporter meets a reclusive, young superintendent in Brooklyn who may have the most significant scientific and medical discovery of modern times.

I'd love to hear any and all story thoughts you might have before I hand it over to my agent. Please don't worry about offending me, all viewpoints are welccome. The time for criticism is NOW, not after it's been submitted.

My email address is -- [e-mail]

**A little about me. 39 years old. UCLA Film alum. Been writing for over 15 years. Have sold 2 scripts in the last 9 years**

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Let’s get to it, okay?

First off, do not include the WGA registration number on your script. That, is the hallmark of an amateur. Name, address, phone number, email and optional: the name, phone number or email of your agent/manager.
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GRANT PHILLIPS, 40’s, sits behind a sprawling oak table,
surrounded by empty chairs, waiting.

A character’s age is not a possessive (40’s) -- should be 40s.
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Do not use bold type in a script. Should be a SLUG
INSERT COMPOSITE
Then write the text in regular font.
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REPORTERS watch Grant make his way out of the building,
furious.

Who is furious? The Reporters, or Grant? Try

REPORTERS watch Grant kick a trash can across the room as he makes his way out of the office.
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I notice you like to CAP action words: PUSH, DOOR OPENS, CAR SPEEDS OFF and objects KNICKS CAP, TATTOO. Save CAPS for character introductions and SOUNDS -- BAM! BANG! BOOM!.
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INT. TRAIN - MOMENTS LATER
The DOORS begin to CLOSE and Grant hurries down the stairs
and JUMPS IN. Catching his breath, he turns to Mary who’s
eyes are closed.

Pet peeve: avoid begin to, starts to, etc. Also, eliminate as many -ing verbs as possible. For example:

INT. TRAIN - MOMENTS LATER
Before the doors close Grant hurries down the stairs. Leaps into the car. He catches his breath. Faces Mary.
Her eyes are closed.
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She looks around, noticing they’re alone.

Again, avoid -ing verbs. Try:

She looks around. They’re alone.
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MARY
So, so you stalked me?
GRANT
I think stalk is a little verbose--

Verbose is the wrong word here (means: using or expressed in more words than are needed). I think you meant extreme or harsh:

MARY
So, so you stalked me?
GRANT
I think stalk is a little harsh--
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from the vantage point of that
window frame, where is the building
in relation to Borough Hall?

ADLER
Southeast, sir.

MR WALKER
And how many miles away?

Adler shakes his head, thinking.

ADLER
10... maybe 15.

Story logic: Ain’t buying this! There is no way you could see another building 10 - 15 miles away from the ninth floor of any building in NYC. Blocks, maybe. Miles? No.
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GRANT
If they were already at your place
then they got some help from NYPD.
If they don’t already know I’m
involved in this they will when
they run my plates.

Story logic: Why would Grant think the NYPD was involved? Wouldn’t it be more logical that Columbia officials gave Unicom Mary’s address?
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A couple BLOCKS down are groups of Mr Walker’s SECURITY
DETAIL, going door to door. Others canvass inside large
BUILDINGS, floor by floor.

Then Grant tells Bill:

GRANT
You call me on this when they’re
close.

Story logic: They’re already close -- and he knows it!
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He SLAMS his FIST against the bar and an empty GLASS falls over.

Story logic: Pretty flimsy bar ;-)
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Dressed like a Priest, ADLER pushes his way through the
crowd, inching closer to the umbrellas.

Story logic: Come on.... how did Adler know to dress as a priest? And even if he didn’t, how did he get priest clothing on such short notice. These story logic mistakes take me right out of the story.
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Adler pulls out a KNIFE.

GRANT (CONT’D)
NO!

He plunges the knife into Joshua's abdomen, sinking it as far
as it can go and then DRAGS it up his CHEST.

Story logic: Unicom needs the kid alive -- remember the blank spot on the wall? They would not kill Joshua -- never. It would have been much easier just to abduct Joshua.
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INT. UNICOM UNDERGROUND PARKING STRUCTURE - THE NEXT DAY

The entire floor is empty, except for a parked LIMO.

An ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS and out walks MR WALKER with his
DRIVER. His expensive SHOES clap against the concrete as he
heads for his Limo.

Story logic: This creep doesn’t go anywhere without an entourage and now, when you need Grant to defeat him, you leave him defenseless. Too easy. Too convenient.
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INT. AA MEETING - NIGHT
Grant sits in the 3rd row of a large meeting, filled with
over a hundred ADDICTS. He listens as a WOMAN speaks into a
MICROPHONE.

WOMAN
So, that concludes our meeting with
the exception of one milestone we’d
like to announce. Is Mr Grant
Phillips in attendance?

Thought this was Alcoholics Anonymous?? They would never, ever use Grant’s last name.
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Something Henry says flushes Grant with a flurry of MEMORIES.

EXT. BROOKLYN APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Joshua hands FOOD out to Bill and the other HOMELESS PEOPLE
around them.

SLUG this as a FLASHBACK.
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Grant REMEMBERS.

INT. JOSHUA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Mary looks up at Grant, smiling.

MARY
Everything I’ve tested has come
back positive. Grant, I think he’s
telling the truth.

Ditto. FLASHBACK.
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Didn’t care for the ending. Dissecting Jashua’s brain?
And the implication that he was the Second Coming of Jesus? That might work if you laid some groundwork early on in the script, but as it stands it feels like an add on -- like maybe you thought it would be a cool twist ending.
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You pitch this as Good Will Hunting meets Three Days of the Condor. But in Condor, the story kicks off almost immediately. The Redford character is on the run from the middle of Act I till the words FADE OUT. In this version of your script nothing happens until around page 54. No conflict, not ticking clock, no jeopardy. Bring in Joshua sooner. Put the trio in jeopardy and on the run earlier -- around page 35 maybe. Because up to that point I was thinking: okay, who cares?

This story has a whole lot of potential and the writing is solid. The problem with the script is there are too many story logic problems that take the reader out of the story. Fix those -- fix the use of those pesky -ing verbs -- and you will have a solid script.

Look forward to reading a revised version of this story. Good luck with this script and

Keep Writing!

[pyiddy]

Just thought I'd reach out again to the GITS community -- would love your thoughts on my script, JOSH1138.

Jeff was nice enough to read it. Anyone else want to help a brother out?

Thanks again and much success to all of us.

[oz]

Hey pyiddy.

I was in the middle of an all-nighter here and started your script but I gotta call it a night. I'll definitely finish it tomorrow (today!) though and get you some feedback.

Sorry it took me so long!

[oz]

Pyiddy, my apologies. My best laid plains didn't quite pan out. You're still on the top of my list and I'm hoping to get it finished this weekend.

So sorry!!

[oz]

Okay, Paul, I'm going to lay it all out as I see it because I expect brutal honesty when someone reads my pages.

First, I think you fell short on what you envisioned with your premise/logline. The good news is that I think you're within reach of achieving what you set out to do. I also liked Joshua's character at the start and how he helps everyone in the building. I think it's a stretch at the end, but, I digress.

There's too much inconsistency throughout. For example: Grant's character. Is he a serious journalist or is he a smart ass? He's inconsistent. You try to insert his one-liners so often it starts to feel like it's in spite of his opening passion for the journalistic truth. He became annoying rather than someone I wanted to root for.

The writing itself: I'm not a staunch stickler for the rules but you have to choose one style and stick with it throughout. You have passive and active verbs throughout and it just makes for too difficult of a read. And you try to fit everything plus the kitchen sink into the writing. You underline and capitalize far too much--so much so that nothing is gained by it because it loses it's implied importance.

The story: You've crammed so much into your first act that by page 44 in my notes I wrote "Nothing's happened until now!!!" That's not good. I also had a HUGE issue with Grant working for the NY Times yet the editors are bought off?? Perhaps if he works for the Enquirer or a lesser paper but the Times? I would choose a paper that doesn't win Pulitzers because it doesn't ring true. Now if you can somehow make it feel true by tying Unicom into the Times, great, but you didn't do that. Also, why would Unicom want the kid dead? For that matter, why wouldn't the university and Unicom romance Mary and Joshua rather than create all the drama and violence. You didn't set it up so that it made sense to go there. How did Adler know to wear the priest costume? Are you seriously making Joshua Jesus Christ? I'm so not buying most of it. Your job is to put the pieces in place for it to be real and I got the impression that you just laid out the payoffs and expected us to suspend our disbelief just because. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You have to pave the road first.

Again, I see where you wanted to go but I think I see where you got detoured. 1--You took too long to get the story going. For example, what is the REAL benefit of wasting all the time on Grant being a former addict? 2--You didn't have Grant well defined so he seemed to slow everything down for me. For example, he worked SOOOOO hard on his one-liners that I never bought him as a serious journalist and after awhile saw him as a third wheel in every scene. 3--You didn't set things up logically to pay off properly OR you just expected far too much from the reader because too much of it was just convenient for you and not satisfying. These were the line notes I took before I gave up:

Pg 1--....scans the composite...DROP "which was" ---sounds strange, novelistic
---Careful with the underlining of so much

Pg 2--Grant's line...story is 100% true...This isn't the Enquirer, of course it's 100% true. How about, "We've got 'em cold, Jack". And I don't quite get this, what happened to Pulitzer journalism??

Pg 6--Don't need MR Walker after the 1st intro, just WALKER.

Pg 10--Give your MALE and FEMALE addicts names. Then on Pg 11---Is the FEMALE addict's name Molly? Then use it!

Pg 12--No need to capitalize your action everywhere

Pg 13--Priest's??? Then a character named Priests? Very confusing here.

Pg 20--Joshua's line...you want to bring Unicom down...DROP "the maker of the drugs...." Just don't need all that.

Pg 21--When IMing....reply suddenly POPULATES? Seriously? Populates?

Pg 22--At Grant's line....nah, couldn't sleep. DROP... haven't seen....and everything after that. He's starting to sound like he works REALLY hard thinking of one-liners and he's NOT good at them.

Pg 24--At Joshua's voice on speaker....JOSHUA (FILTERED), same for people on the phone not on screen

Pg 25--Drop ....playing with your dolls....I'm really getting annoyed at how much Grant talks!!!

Pg 30--Drop Grant guessing Joshua was a runaway, adopted---VERY awkward.

Pg 31--Drop Unibomber line---Seriously can't stand this guy now. Is he a serious journalist or a wannabe wise-ass?

Pg 44--Why does Mary care if Joshua has a girlfriend? This whole scene is weird. Mary should be obsessed with the wall. Joshua should be paranoid about Mary. Grant should be curious as hell and hopeful.

---NOTHING has happened until now and I don't know that I care anymore.


So, those were my notes and I'm sorry. I kept reading but it was tough. You need another solid pass on this because you may have a story here. Figure out what you don't need and add to what you do. The ending just seemed forced and obligatory to me which wasn't satisfying at all.

I'm sorry. We've all gotten bad notes so don't dwell on it. Take my opinion for what it's worth. Free advice to toss or work with---your choice. Good luck to you!