Vaccine - A Conspiracy Thriller

[delson9030]

Looking forward to your comments.

Thanks in advance.

Attachments:

[delson9030]

Hey guys,

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments you may have for my screenplay. Here's a logline:

Dr. John Harbinger just found a vaccine to the century’s most dangerous virus, the Hydra Strain, one which self-replicates at an even faster rate when treated. But when he’s caught in a struggle between a patriotic militia organization and a secret society bent on world domination, he realizes there’s more to his vaccine and the virus than meets the eye.

Thanks in advance.

[Deleted]

I'll be your Huckleberry...

I have limited time so give me a few days.

[delson9030]

@mybrainhurts:

Appreciate it! Looking forward to your comments.

[Deleted]

I haven't forgotten about you. I am about halfway through. Trying to get this done today or tomorrow.

[Deleted]

Delson,

Here are my notes. Please let me know if you have any questions. I put my notes in this format so it would be easier to print or save.

Vaccine Notes

[fastfreddie]

mybrainhurts,

Great notes.

Delson,

Notes that thorough and insightful usually come with an invoice.

[delson9030]

@mybrainhurts: Thank you so much for the notes. I read through them and I'm going to reread them over and over so that it's reinforced in my mind when I'm writing my next draft. I appreciate this.

I agree with fastfreddie. These are really topnotch notes.

Thanks!!!!

[Deleted]

Delson,

Happy to help. The goal is that we all become better and write great scripts.

You may want to start with an outline before you do your next draft. I know it really helps me when I am trying to get my story down.

[oz]

Hi Delson

I started your pages and was doing line notes but will only share a few with you to serve as examples to the other notes I hope will help.

I have to first admit I couldn't finish it. I stopped at Pg 42 because it was too confusing, disorganized and it required too much on my part. That's a problem. The bigger problem is that at page 42, I couldn't tell you what the story was about beyond a supposedly brilliant scientist who has the cure for a global pandemic but can't seem to make it to the news interview at 7 to get it launched?????

I would recommend you do a few things:
1 Find as many conspiracy thriller scripts that you can get your hands on and read and study them. Learn how to spin a web of deceit. Absorb the rise and fall of tension and action. If even for a brief moment, there has to be an ebb to every flow to move the story forward because it's virtually impossible to move a story forward through non-stop action.
2 Once you have read as many of those scripts as you can, pick out your three favorites and outline them as an exercise to help you 'see' your story in outline form. Once you have that mastered, the script will flow a great deal better. And really, we've all done this or something similar to become stronger with outlines. Outlines are probably my weakest area but I still force myself to do them and refine them throughout the writing process.
3 Do a little more work on your characters. Most of the dialogue sounds so generic and non-distinct, it's hard to get a visual for anyone. You need to know why every character BELONGS in the story and WHY they say and do what they say and do.
4 Along with that last point, you focus too much on the HOW everything is said and done. Let the actors act and the directors direct. Your job is to lay out the story in a visual manner that allows the actor and director to interpret your vision. When you put all the acting and directing in the pages, it comes off as novelistic and the visual is lost.

So, here are just a very few of the line notes---I had nearly three pages before I stopped because I was exhausted, confused and was repeating myself in my notes.
Pg 1---GREAT opening scenes. Really. Loved it all.

Pg 2---The report Henry gives needs to SOUND like a reporter. He would say World Health Organization, not 'the WHO' and it would be just the facts in a concise manner. Perhaps more like--The World Health Organization announced mandatory immunization. We'll cover Dr. Harbinger's press conference live tomorrow but until then, we have information on immunization sites opening tomorrow....

Pg 4---At Sam's dialogue, why underline 'something here'??
---....various financial moguls and political figures. You can 't distinguish that in a photo. How about, 'various corporate and political players' or 'obvious movers and shakers'.
---'...finishes his peg..' I'm a musician so I get it but it may be too obscure a word. Don't need to dumb it down, but simple words are better so no one stops reading. AND THEN you use 'peg' again and I realize you're referring to the drink. AGAIN--simple words so no one has to stop reading or wondering----REALLY need to change that.

Pg 5 AND THROUGHOUT THE SCRIPT---(into phone) is not necessary unless you use it to interrupt talk (like you do on page 12) but not throughout the conversation. It's a waste of page space you'll need at some point. Also, the (v.o.) use for the person on the other end of the line should be (filtered) instead.
Pg 8 AND THROUGHOUT--- Using (laughs) far too often. Leave it to the actor to play out how they and director feel it.
---'Mercedes drives "smooth, calm & fast". Too much and not needed. "Zips through traffic" is enough.
---Headline in paper---make it more concise---GLOBAL COMMUNICATIONS FAILURES

Pg 10--Numbers light up from 1 to 5. None of that's needed. How about, The elevator doors open on the 5th floor----IF we even need to know it's the fifth floor.

Pg 11---These guys are celebrating like they launched the first iPhone. It seems off considering all the horror the world's experiencing. Wouldn't hopeful pride be a more appropriate emotion? It just felt off to me.

Pg 12---Don't need to name every kind of liquor at the minibar. The director will decide what's there. Keep it simple so the mind stays focused on the scene, not the scenery. How about, A heavily stocked liquor bar. and let the reader see what they want. How it actually looks doesn't move the story in any way. An occasional full description of a room is okay and sometimes necessary for the overall impact or point of the scene. But use them sparingly or we're bogged down in every single room.

Pg 14---I don't buy Ken's emotion when he's warning John of the danger. He sounds like he's the narrator all of a sudden trying to lay out some exposition but it doesn't work.

Pg 16----I don't understand what the THUMP-THUMP! is until later on the page when you type out THUMP-THUMP, THUMP-THUMP. I'd make an indication of John's heartbeat being audible or something. It makes you stop reading to try and figure out what the THUMP is.

Pg 24---I'm having a really hard time wanting to continue reading already. The whole exchange between Ralph and John here is too clumsy. Cut half of it and make the words count and convey the emotion.

Pg 33---I'm so confused. Ralph and John agree to 'stay out'. Of what? It appears as if even THEY don't know what's going on but they decide to 'stay out'. So confused.

It's all cat and mouse with no clear direction. It's one thing to keep your secrets and keep the reader guessing, but you have to establish the baseline, the spine first and I don't think, at page 42 (when I gave up) you've done this. That's why I suggest you study some scripts that pull it off and hopefully that will spark for you.

It's frustrating because I think there's a good story in here, but I can't find it. You've buried it in too much and the end result is, I quit looking for it.

I'm trying to help with these observations, not discourage. I just think if you don't know what DOESN'T work, you won't recognize what does when you read and study those scripts. And don't forget to outline a few, it's a great exercise.

You can do this. Give me a shout when you got a good, solid rewrite and I'll be happy to help!

[piotrp]

Hi Delson,

I'm reading your screenplay as well and am preparing some of my own notes, but I'd like to chip with some initial comments for the time being.

I agree with almost everything oz wrote, but I have just one minor criticism re: the opening scene: to me, it feels too rushed.

A major criticism I have is that, at least up to page 46, the characters sound exactly the same. Not only that, almost every character ends a sentence with "man" at some point or another. Please reconsider this.

Also, like oz said, there is major confusion with regard to the story.