Deluded

[mscherer]

Getting ready to do a complete rewrite on this baby, so I would appreciate any and all feedback. Please be brutal

Here's the logline:
A homicide detective struggles to solve a series of murders while pursuing his high school sweetheart, but ends up falling in love with her sister only to discover that his new lover’s affections have nothing to do with love.

In the vein of Sea of Love meets Basic Instinct.

www.sendspace.com/file/t47r7k

Thanks in advance for your time.

[fastfreddie]

Mike,

I've read your screenplay "Deluded." I liked the ending and a few scenes... but for the most part... I found it very bland... it lacked any real tension. It went south for me from the start... from the lack of "tone" to the "on the nose" dialogue. However, I read your screenplay "Boomslang!" and know you'll address these two issues in the re-write process.

I have FOUR main issues with "Deluded."

ISSUE # 1: DIALOGUE
The dialogue was "on the nose" and dull. There are more than half-a-dozen scenes where the characters were waiting for some sparkling dialogue and sub-text... but you never delivered. In reviewing my notes, the comment "dialogue ?" seems to rear its ugly head numerous times.

To follow is an example of dialogue that in my opinion, needs to be reviewed:

Please turn to pg. 2:

MARK
I came to apologize.

Hands her the flowers:

MARK
One flower... one thought of you.

Without thinking she takes the bouquet:

STEPHANIE
I'm not ready to forgive you, Mark.

MARK
I know.

An awkward pause.

MARK
Call me when you are.

STEPHANIE
Don't hold your breath.

She drops the flowers into the trash.

This scene has the potential for some emotional impact... but, it falls flat... and sounds stale. Also, the scene where Julie (pg. 12) talks with Paula about her Dad dumping them has potential to be a potent scene... but it also falls flat.

Also, the characters need to be more distinct from each other... sometimes they all had the same voice.

ISSUE # 2: TONE
It took 30 to 40 pgs. before I knew this was going to be a THRILLER. I didn't even know where it took place until pg. 39 (somewhere in Ohio) The "tone" is so important for this genre. (same goes for horror)

ISSUE # 3: SUBPLOT
The subplot storyline (Paula and Julie) never worked for me. In my opinion, the target audience for this type of movie (thriller) would have no interest in this story. It was half-baked and never tied back into the main storyline.

As I was reviewing my notes... an idea on how to tie the subplot with the main plot. A very nit-picky problem with Rachel being the serial killer... does she have the physical strength to dump these men's bodies? Why not have her seduce some lucky High School boy into doing her dirty work? She's that devious... and then maybe Julie knows this boy or hears about this... and tells Paula... and that's your subplot.... too coincidental? Just a thought.

ISSUE #4: PLOT TWIST
I would think about adding one or two more red herrings...

CHARACTERS:

I wasn't too crazy about Mark... not that likable of a person... which is okay, not all protags need to be likable, but...
I also thought having him fix the boys training wheels was forced... and even after that... I still didn't like him.

I liked Paula... and Rachel's character.

I thought Norbie was stereotypical. The kerchief thing was over the top... but it does show a characters quirkiness... I also didn't like the interaction between him and Mark. If Mark is going to goof on Norbie, it should be about his compulsive neatness.

PLOT:

You are a brave man to craft a screenplay in this genre. I would never attempt it. It would be tough to think of something new and fresh. That's why I believe the plot twists need to be creative and original... or you're left with a tired, boring screenplay on your hands.

A girl seeking vengeance against all the High School boys who dumped her has been done? Can you create another type of list?

You are really pushing (not in a good way) the twin sister twist... I know it is central to the story, but...

PACING:

The pacing was good. It was a quick read... the last 20-25 pgs. breezed by. If I had to say something... the start of Act II was slow getting out of the gate.

SCENES/LOGIC THAT NEED TO BE REVIEWED:

1. Please turn to pg. 6:

INT. WAREHOUSE

A CORPSE lies near a small puddle of viscous liquid...

PAULA
Christ! Someone swiped his Johnson.

How would Paula see that unless the corpse was naked?

2. Please turn to pg. 25:

Didn't like Karen the reporter drawing that fast of a conclusion (serial killer) and than running with it.

3. Please turn to pg. 17:

PAULA
In the Biblical sense?

I'm sorry for the slow uptake... but what does that mean?

4. Please turn to pg. 26

INT. RACHEL JACKSON'S LIVING ROOM (MISSING DAY OR NIGHT)

KAREN (V.O.)
...so you're saying this is a copy-
cat killing?

MARK (V.O.)
For now.

Rachel smiles -- twirls her hair.

Are you not tipping your hand with this scene? So early... or does it not matter?

5. Please turn to pg. 29:

INT. SQUAD ROOM

This whole scene in my humble opinion had problems. I wasn't crazy about the pen under the desk... the shocked detectives reaction... and Rachel's demeanor... I get the femme fatale thing... but I think it needs some work.

THINGS I LIKED:

1. Please turn to pg. 1:

STEPHANIE
I know... it won't.

The next scene Mark wakes up and finds her gone... there is nothing more final than when a girl makes up her mind... I loved that.

2. Please turn to pg. 2:

Closet doors open with a CREAK--

-- a half empty closet.

Like his bed... nice visual.

3. I loved the ending...

NIT-PICKY:

1. Please turn to pg. 9:

EXT. ANCHOR INN BAR

When Mark's car pulls up -- the bums
scatter like startled cockroaches.

Don't most detectives drive in unmarked cars? Also, I work in downtown L.A.... the bums I encounter don't scatter for anything.

2. Please turn to pg. 17:

Norbie sighs -- pulls a piece of paper from his tweed jacket:

NORBIE
After examining the body I can only
conclude the killing...

Refolds the paper -- tucks it into his jacket.

He had to refer to a piece of paper to recite that!

3. Why does everyone refer to the victim and perpetrator as the "vic" and "perp." That seems a little strange.

ENDING:

I loved the ending... now that's a THRILLER. I also liked the denouement... the empty wheelchair... nice touch.

I hope some of this helps...

Good luck with the re-write.

Derek

[mscherer]

Derek,

Thank you for taking the time to read Deluded -- much appreciated.

The feedback you provide, well, exactly what I was hoping for. Great notes.

I will take everything in consideration as I do my rewrite.

Thanks again and,
Keep Writing!