My Dead Wife - short

[mattthehoople]

First draft and first submission. I'd be gratefull for any criticism.

If I'm missing anything as far as formating and posting guidelines go let me know.

Cheers guys!

Attachments:

[mscherer]

mattthehoople,

Interesting and weird and different.

Not sure, but is the dead girl his sister? If so....

Weird.

But very interesting.

And different.

Keep Writing!

[dwight]

definitely interesting.

If it is his sister, then stuff like "i'm going to love you" "wearing the top hat with tales.." kind of creepy. If you want to avoid the incestuous and keep it his sister, maybe give the impression that he's the brother giving her the wedding moments that she never had. Not necessarily having him 'marry' his sister.

For this version the directorial notes and camera angles just stopped the flow for me. So maybe hold back on the "max frames" and "cam on dolly's" for the early drafts.

[jonnyhopper]

Interesting, quirky. I think I get it - he doesn't think he's actually marrying her but just acting out that he's marrying her because that is the one thing she always desired. Or maybe it's just the incest thing.

James's dark humour towards the whole thing works pretty well, but there's something of a conflict between the deep emotional connection he seems to feel and the flippant sarcastic comments he throws out to other people. Rather than making the jokes obvious - "Don't worry, she doesn't move about a lot", perhaps consider something a bit less direct? e.g. "Well if it ever becomes a problem we can get it resized" or something?

Like Peter above, a lot of the notes and shot notes interrupted the flow. Consistency-wise, I guess it would be good to include all the subtitles in the script rather than just "She accepts via subtitle". It seems like the proposal is an important point that is skimmed over in the script - make more of it?

But it's a great, daring, odd idea - I'd be interested to see a new draft with much of the superfluous direction removed.

J.