The Wrong Mrs Calloway

[lazzard]

A few guys have been reading scenes from this over in 'Entire Acts' - this is the whole thing.

www.sendspace.com/file/3px1bu

It's a real rough draft - only my wife normally gets to see these!

I've been having a nightmare with a log on this - this is as far as I got, a sort of bullet point summary:-

The Wrong Mrs Calloway ( Out of the Bottle comedy)

1. High-flying, cynical ad man can't cope with death of his trophy wife - to the point that his boss gives him till next week to sort himself out - or he's fired.
2. When an Angel offers him one last weekend with his wife, he jumps at the chance - feeling this will give him the closure he so desperatley needs.
3. Trouble is, the angel brings back the wrong wife - his first from his much humbler beginnings.
4. As well as having to re-live all the old rows- and hear a few home truths, he is forced to go on the run when they are spotted by her second husband, a local gangster who, it turns out had had her killed for 'hearing too much'.

Love to hear what people think.
Doubtless full of spelling/format errors - I'm more interested on people's take on the story/characters and how it reads.

Thanks

[mscherer]

Larry,

I’m a big fan of this script. Really enjoyed reading it. Funny and bitter sweet, all in one. Now for the critique:

Page 42 we meet Sandra... page 43 we meet Sonya -- temporarily confusing for me -- had to go back and reread previous scene. Change one name or the other.
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Not sure about introducing a new, major character on page 48 -- more than halfway through the script. There probably should be a reference to this guy, or the situation 25 years ago, earlier on in the script.
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Knobby clambers up the shelves to retrieve the boxes.
Close on one of the boxes as it is opened.
No chrome exhaust pipe.
In it's place, a mean looking sawn-off shot-gun.
Another box.
Another equally nasty-looking piece.
Charlie & Bill cradle their weapons like old friends.
They turn to Knobby who is cradling a chrome exhaust pipe.
He appears to be looking for the trigger.

Hilarious.
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Found this to be just a tad cliché...

BANG - he fires.
But Kate throws herself in the path of the bullet and she
goes CRASHING down.
Matt is by her side, holding her.
MATT
Why, Kate?
She gives a weak smile.

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Fiona’s words on page 80:

“...And let me tell you, if you can learn
to live without children, you can
learn to live without love...”

Very powerful stuff...
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Wish you all the luck in getting this sold and produced. I want to see this movie.

Keep Writing!

[lazzard]

Thanks for the read!
Well spotted re Sandra/Sonya - I'm on it now.
Good point re introducing new character - I'll have to see what I can do.
Interested to know which element you found cliched - ie is it WHAt happens or HOW it happens?
I'm not at my happiest writing 'action' sequences, so your input here is particularly appreciated.
Is it the 'Why Kate?' or her taking the bullet?
Thanks again for the read.
I'm going to give it another going over and get it over to my agent!!

[mscherer]

Larry,

I think Kate’s action – jumping in front of Matt to take the bullet meant for him – seemed cliché. Seen it a million times in a million different movies – well, okay, maybe not a million. That said, I realize Kate needs to ‘die’ in dramatic fashion rather than return to heaven per the agreement, but because the script is unique and imaginative I was hoping for a unique and imaginative way of sending her off.

What if…. On page 76 where you write:

He (Charlie) draws a bead on Kate, but is interrupted by a squeaking noise.

It's coming from above his head.
He and Rat-Face both look up to see Toby being lowered as
if on a wire.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
What the...

TOBY
And, Lo! An angel of the Lord
came down among them...

You do something like this….

He (Charlie) pushes his weapon into the back of Kate’s head. Pulls the trigger. BLAM!

Matt cries out in anguish. A squeaking noise comes from above their heads.

CHARLIE (CONT'D)
What the...

TOBY
And, Lo! An angel of the Lord
came down among them...

Rat-Face is perturbed.

RAT-FACE
I can't see a wire, boss!

CHARLIE
'Course there's a fucking wire!
Toby has to come to a halt , about 6 foot off the ground.

TOBY
No wire.
(beat)
But I do have these.

And at this Toby produces a magnificent pair of snow white
wings.

TOBY (CONT'D)
I thank you!

BANG - Matt seizes the opportunity to elbow Rat-Face in
his ratty face, snatching the gun as he goes down.

He aims it at Charlie.

MATT
Die! Mother-fucker!

Toby who has hovered to the ground, is shocked.

TOBY
Language!

Charlie is also in shock, mouthing like a gold fish as
Matt lets rip.

BOOM - Charlie flies backwards into the orchestra pit.

In this version Matt’s cry of ‘Die! Mother-fucker’ has more meaning and the audience is really with him on this. And the way Kate is killed mirrors the way she died 25 years earlier.

Just one man’s opinion – and we all know about opinions.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[lazzard]

Very interesting & thanks.
It's always quite sobering (and reassuring, actually) when other people 'spot' the bit you yourself were never sure about.
You've inspired me to make sure this bit of the SP lives up to the rest.
As we say over here, good work, fellah!

Larry

[lazzard]

UPDATE

A revised draft (inspired in part by comments from this site) goes in front of Working Title next week.
Send out those good vibes!

[mscherer]

Larry,

Best of luck -- fingers crossed, toes, legs, arms, eyes -- is there anything else? Nope! Don't think so ;-)

Let us know what happens, please.

Keep Writing!