Intruder - Sci-fi short (4pages)

[rdsarna]

Hi,

I am an animator and I try to write in my free time. I have not written much, except a few short screenplays.

This is my 5th attempt at a short screenplay that I plan to make into an animated film in the future.

Please give it a read. Any feedback would be great.

Thanks!

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Ratul,
I have to admit, I didn’t get it. Not sure what exactly is going on or who is the protagonist, who is the antagonist. Until the end – your twist. That said...

I’m pretty sure English is your second language, so it’s hard for me to be critical of the writing, however, there are things that can be done to make your short more reader friendly. For example:

An ASTRONAUT falls against the tunnel wall, holding his wounded leg. There’s frenzy in his behavior. Breathing heavily.

Try something like:
An ASTRONAUT falls against the tunnel wall – holds his wounded leg. His actions, frantic. His breathing, heavy.
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There is sound of approaching movement from the far dark end of the tunnel.

Maybe:
A SOUND! Movement in the far dark end of the tunnel.
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A chat module is open on the screen. He flicks his fingers deliberately, in combinations. Text gets typed on the screen in coded language.

Maybe:
A chat module opens on the screen. He flicks his fingers in deliberate combinations. Cryptic text appears on the screen – a code.
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The alien enters the inner cave. The astronaut turns.
Nothing is visible beyond a few inches of the cabinet.
The unseen movement gets closer. It gets slower.
Unable to keep himself on foot, the astronaut recedes to the ground.
The alien’s movement is deliberate.
Feeling exposed by the cabinet’s light, the astronaut scrambles away from it, into a darker spot.

Maybe:
The ALIEN enters.
The Astronaut turns – can’t see a thing.
Unseen movement. Closer. Slower.
Astronaut slides to the floor.
Alien creeps closer – every movement deliberate.
Astronaut feels exposed in the blue light – scrambles into the black abyss.
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The man and woman stand motionless, in complete shock, contemplating the horror of the situation.
The leverage has done its job, as; in this stunned moment the astronaut has regained the upper hand.
His huge violet beady eyes stare blankly at the stumped humans, as he forcibly raises his rifle.

Maybe:
The Man and Woman remain still – in shock. They absorb the horror surrounding them.
The stunned humans never see the Alien raise his weapon. Never see him fire at the disk he tossed earlier.
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Question: if this high frequency sound killed the adult humans, why did it not kill the children? Just wondering.
Thanks for sharing. When you have finished the animation of this piece, please share it with us – I would really love to see how you handle this short.
Keep Writing!

[jonnyhopper]

Wow that was cool, I really enjoyed it. It was bonkers but compelling. The story is great, I'm guessing that you've written the screenplay primarily for yourself?

To help others in their reading, try editing the direction so that it more matches the pacing you intend. I could see there are frantic, desperate moments in there but the descriptions didn't quite match up all the time - some of them tend to be slow, even laboured when they need to be the opposite. When the energy of the direction goes up and down in tempo with the story beats and the action, you'll find people "get" it a lot quicker.

Mike Scherer's suggestions above go a long way towards this.
Good luck!

[dwight]

Thanks for sharing. I definitely enjoy the concept, so stick with it.

Couple problem areas for me was when he switches to the other cave with cabinets and other stuff. I was thinking it was a regular cave until he got the gun out of the cabinet. So i had to go back and read it again. So maybe make it more clear how the cave has cabinets, switchboards, or is like a laboratory.

Like the twist on the end. Disk object, him shooting it, thousands of babies on the walls? Got a little lost.. but I liked what you were going for. interesting little twist.

[LF]

I agree with what has been said. Another moment that could use clarification on the writing end was when the Astronaut goes through the wall. I wasn't sure if he had been slammed through or dashed in himself.

Story wise, I think it's solid, and worth your time to make. I didn't have any story logic issues, so I think you're good. If you do get around to it and end up putting it online, please link us! I'm sure we would all love to see it.

[glengarry]

Great short concept. Really loved the twist! The astronaut is the alien! What?! Love it. This would be cool live action or animation. A nice teaser.

Feels like a video game promo or something...

[foxdraw]

Hmm, strange and different which is good, but in terms of understanding the story better, I think it would help if we (the readers/audience) get a better sense of the physical location. As was said in the comments earlier, it seems like there is a lab of some sort deeper in a cave? If so, a bit more description of the surroundings might help us get our bearings. In any case, good on ya!

[Jeff Messerman]

Hugely enthusiastic about this piece.

I'm a big fan of creaky old sci-fi... the stuff of Clarke, Asimov, Heinlein, Varley, Pohl, and Niven. Oh and of course Stanislaw Lem.

Anyway, your little tale evokes that gone but still relevant phase of storytelling, that particular literary mood. In short, I ate it up.

Well done!