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Post by rachelbk on Apr 28, 2010 10:40:39 GMT -5
First time poster... I'd love to get your feedback on this script. It's gone through several rounds of editing and I think it's close to a final/final draft but I need some outside perspective. Still working on the logline but I can tell you that I'm shooting for an Ice Storm/American Beauty kind of thing. Def. a character driven drama. ______________ ***Wanted to let everyone know that I've completed a rewrite on YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED - thanks for the great feedback. I'd love to take down this old draft so folks don't waste their time critiquing outdated work but I can't figure out how to delete it.*** (5/23/10) Attachments:
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tonym
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by tonym on Apr 28, 2010 18:19:38 GMT -5
I enjoyed the script a LOT. Thanks for posting it. You are clearly very good at this screenwiting stuff.
Warning: Do not read beyond this point if thin-skinned.
2nd warning: I notice you ignored the initial warning. I'm impressed. But seriously, don't keep reading if thin-skinned.
Final warning: Fine, read the &%$# feedback.
FEEDBACK
Page 87: Evan says, "A little advice: she can't suck dick for shit." Maybe Evan should say, "A word of warning: she can't suck dick for shit."
Also, Matt doesn't reply to Evan, which seemed a little lame. Maybe Matt could say, "Maybe she didn't have much to work with," and another person could say, "Zing!"
Page 88: I felt like Beth should've defended her mother better and called Matt a "liar." Also, maybe Matt should've also revealed that Susan is a pill popper.
Page 89: I was confused by the descriptions. One description says Roy is "gentle and loving" and another says he is "strangely emotionless." Those descriptions conflict and made me confused about Roy's personality.
Page 92: I think it should be explicitly stated that Matt deleted the photo from his phone and never forwarded it.
Page 101: If Susan is Beth's potential future, then perhaps Krista should not offer to share the vodka. That way, when Beth takes the bottle and says, "Thanks for sharing," we are reminded of Susan in the restaurant.
Page 113: It wasn't clear to me that Susan got on the merry-go-round.
Page 116: Maybe Matt could say, "See you guys later," rather than only saying bye to his mother. That would show that he and Chuck are on better terms.
Page 116: I didn't like the exchange between Annamarie and Chuck. Perhaps no dialogue is even necessary.
Page 116: Matt says to Krista, "You're psyched your dad didn't care" -- as if the gun situation had happened the previous night and not a few weeks ago.
Page 117: What "meeting," exactly?
Page 118: "Garden tool"?
Page 119: It would be better if Caleb had already passed his GED and recently enrolled in Wake Tech.
Seven more observations:
1) I recommend that you make Beth a tiny bit more likable in the first 10 pages or so. She reminded me too much of the bitchy teenager in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and I almost stopped reading.
2) Somehow make the first 10-15 pages a little more exciting. Get to the story faster.
3) There was too little description of the characters beyond their age.
4) The final conversation between Beth and her mother needs more openness from Beth. Beth hardly speaks.
5) It might be appropriate for Beth to encounter a dead deer while searching for her grandmother (assuming the deer is a symbol).
6) Great job!
7) Seriously, great job!
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Post by rachelbk on Apr 28, 2010 20:28:27 GMT -5
Thanks for the thorough read, tonym! I'm def. not thin-skinned - my opinion is, if no one tells me what they *really* think, how can I make my work any better?
I thought your feedback was very insightful and I'm sure it will be helpful as I revise. I totally agree that the first 10-15 pages are slower/less exciting than the rest of the script. And I think that your point about making Beth more likable is astute - I've been concerned that she won't generate enough sympathy and it's helpful to hear, from a new reader, that my concern is warranted. Also, I can see how some more character description could improve a reader's experience. It's great to hear some real feedback, seriously - love the specific suggestions about dialogue.
Thanks again for such a thoughtful read! Looking forward to returning the favor.
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Post by mscherer on Apr 29, 2010 6:03:44 GMT -5
Rachel,
Welcome aboard! Hope you enjoy your experience here on the board.
Started readig your script yesterday -- got to page 24 and had to stop -- I was at work ;D I have to say it is very, very well done. I will hold off any remarks until I am finished, but just wanted to let you know it is being read.
Keep up the great work as you,
Keep Writing!
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Post by rachelbk on Apr 29, 2010 6:41:48 GMT -5
Thanks so much! I'm grateful that you're making the time to read and critique my work.
It's been hard for me to find local readers (there are lots of great straight fiction editors around but I haven't found many folks who are familiar with the mechanics of screenwriting) and I'm glad I stumbled across this forum. Seems like a fantastic resource for people who are committed to making their work as strong as possible.
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Post by mscherer on Apr 30, 2010 7:20:51 GMT -5
Rachel, Finished reading your script – well done. Below you will find a few minor criticisms – mostly opinion – and we all know what opinions are like  ------------------------------------------------------- First -- a pet peeve of mine -- the use of the verb IS in action lines. Just one man's opinion, but avoid them like the plague. Try: EXT. GAS STATION -- DAY
Broad daylight. A deserted gas station.Try: INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE -- MORNING
LIVING ROOM
Still and brightly lit by the morning sun.
We hear the faint "BEEP BEEP BEEP" of Beth's alarm.
Beth makes her way through the living room and passes Susan's bedroom – through the open door she seesLast example and then I’ll get off my high-horse: We hear the CRINKLING of leaves - someone approaches.------------------------------------------------------- Might cut the reference to Estee Lauder. Try: ANNAMARIE
Beth, we are so happy to see you!
And don't mind your father - what do
men know about make-up? Direct rebuke of Chuck. -------------------------------------------------------- Change to Caleb arrives – what does he enter? He’s outside. -------------------------------------------------------- Great description! -------------------------------------------------------- Think Beth should ask: What do you want? -------------------------------------------------------- P. 83: Should be: Matt holds out his cup for her - she declines the offer.Or: Matt offers Beth his cup – she declines.-------------------------------------------------------- Well written, as I mentioned earlier. Found the dialogue and situations believable. Not sure I like the ending though – didn’t seem there was much change in any of the characters. Susan seems to have kicked her habit. Beth seems to have opened up to being in a relationship. But, what do I know? I'm action-adventure, thriller kind'a guy ;D The reference to Wake Tech caught me by surprise – taken many writing classes there myself. Small world. Keep Writing! |
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Post by rachelbk on Apr 30, 2010 8:52:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the detailed read - you make some excellent points. I've been worried about Susan's arc in particular and I think you nailed it when you said she "seems" to have kicked her habit. I'm on a major deadline today but have downloaded NO ROAD TO FORTUNE and look forward to checking it out this weekend.
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Post by stephenguest on May 16, 2010 4:08:03 GMT -5
rachel
okay - the script was well written but what exactly was it all about - a few teens getting pissed and their parents getting more sex than them.
i kept waiting and waiting for the inciting incident but it never came.
i kept waiting and waiting for something to make me anxious and it never arrived until p73 when susan found herself alone in the hotel room.
what was the ending? they all seemed to kiss and make up very quickly with no fallout. only jenny had a glimpse into the future!
who was beth? what was her arc? what will we remember her for? not a lot, i'm afraid! she was pretty average - from start to finish.
so, what are my bright ideas!
1. beth needs a better secret from her time in london -- and it has to stalk her throughout the script. maybe she was dumped by the love-of-her life, was raped, had an abortion, a drug overdose or saw a friend die from a drug overdose, or god forbid, saw life from a non-american perspective (probably a bit too heavy for a teen movie if that's your market).
2. beth needs personality - something that sets her apart from her friends - a love for something, a hobby, an interest, an unusual way of interpreting the world - something that we can identify with. maybe, just maybe, as a small addition to her personality, she could have fallen in love with a frenchman in london and enjoys her french lessons and sprouts bits of french throughout the film. i'm sure american teenagers would like to know how to ask for a BJ in french!
3. danger, the script needs danger - something that takes us out of our comfort zone. the hotel room did it for me and susan is well positioned as the danger woman as she's intimately connected to beth, patrica, roy, matt and chuck.
4. i'd have her with matt much earlier and milk the tension for all its worth. that shit gives viewers nightmares as everyone has a mum. towards the end of the script susan and matt can have another sex-date and matt doesn't show and susan ODs.
5. everyone can then react to susan rather than patrica. this way there can be real winners and losers.
6. beth's secret from london can then be tied in with susan's OD (or something like that).
cheers big ear
stephen
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Post by rachelbk on May 16, 2010 11:41:58 GMT -5
Hi Stephen,
Thanks so much for the read! I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions - it's always helpful to get outside feedback, particularly with a piece like this where so many of the characters are confronting the small dramas of life. I'm in the midst of a revision at the moment and I'll keep your critique in mind as a I continue to push/refine Beth and Susan's arcs. I'll keep an eye out for your work so I can return the favor.
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