"WAR"

[glengarry]

Title: WAR

Genre: Action

Logline: When an American soldier is killed in battle, he finds himself searching for his father in a realm where slain soldiers from different eras must band together to defend the living world from the Army of Hell.

www.sendspace.com/file/y3b70y

[henchman]

WOW, that is one sweet logline!!!! Forget the script, where can I watch this movie right now??! ;-D

[tous]

Same! VERY Excited Extravaganza!

[henchman]

Well, well, well, what is there to say about this story only that, man, this is a huge, blockbuster movie just waiting to happen. And I’ll bet serious money that this movie WILL GET MADE! It will be a travesty if this story doesn’t get produced. Really! Get this script in somebody’s hands, guys, today!

What I liked about this story was the high-concept of bringing together various soldiers from different eras fighting together, even known enemies and seeing the ancient soldiers using modern day weapons. I’ll get a huge kick just out of seeing that on the screen, that alone is worth the price of admission.

I mean, the sight of a medieval knight in full armour rattling off a modern day m-16 machine gun will be a wondrous sight to behold.

This is an action war story thrown into a pot with some history and stirred together with some mythology, all held together by a purpose, a goal that needs to be successful or else we all die! Nothing less than the fate of humanity at stake, which is the kind of stakes you want to be playing with in this kind of story.

Some very nice exciting set pieces with complex action scenes that was quite easy to follow because of how superbly written it was. At no point did I get lost in the action or lose my orientation despite the very bustling battle scenes.

I liked the father son dynamic, the son becoming a soldier because it was the only way he felt he could connect with his father, then end up dying and actually meeting him. I didn’t even mind the typical, cheesy father-son goodbye moment because you wrapped it up quickly.

I think this was also a fresh take on the Armageddon/apocalypse type of story, the fact that soldiers from the afterlife, who, in the human realm, were fighting against tyranny in the form of human dictators, died and then went to a new kind of warfare fighting against a spiritual tyranny in the form of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I liked how you drew those parallels, between what the war was about in the human realm versus what the war was about in the afterlife, throwing all the different kinds of soldiers together for the showdown of all showdowns.

I loved that idea and I thought it added an interesting layer to the story, taking it beyond just another war movie, or another action movie, or another mythological movie. All those combined elements is what made this story so great.

And I love that at one point it becomes like this Saving Private Ryan, finding the father, type story on its way to becoming Lord Of The Rings. I love that you were able to touch on those types of war references.

There are not much gripes I have about this story, other than perhaps I would’ve liked the soldiers to be clued in to some degree as to what they were doing there. I know their original mission was to defend the citadel, and as time went on they lost track of that objective and fought amongst each other, which is a great parallel to real life in which as a species human beings use to have a common goal of helping one another and being good neighbours but somewhere along the line we lost the plot and started fighting each other.

But I would’ve like to see some of the soldiers get clued in as to what their purpose is in this world. Sometimes I think, why would they even want to live in this war ravaged world when they don’t know what the point is, why wouldn’t they just have killed themselves long ago.

It needs to go beyond Aarondale just telling Patrick that the soldiers are there for a higher purpose but they lost the plot and began fighting each other. In and amongst the soldiers themselves, on the ground, I feel their needs to be someone, reminding the soldiers that they are here for a purpose, be that beacon of hope for them, like a Morpheus-type character that inspires the soldiers that there is a purpose, but of course not everyone buys into it hence all the chaos happening, fighting each other.

Also, maybe I missed the explanation, but why do the soldiers explode into fire at the start, but when the fire soldiers kill them they don’t?

On Page 81. Why would Volac be so interested and pleased to be killing Colonel Patrick? Shouldn’t his main goal be to get the key, which means continuing to throw fireballs at Patrick to get him to fall? This feels like too much of a set-up to get Colonel Patrick and his son into a showdown at the end and not a natural flow of things, i.e. Volac doing whatever he can to get the key right then and there.

Also, to decide to march on Citadel when the key isn’t yet in their position didn’t make sense to me. I would prefer for the evil horsemen to have the key, giving them greater motivation to attack Citadel because they now have a complete advantage, putting the soldiers in a worst predicament and therefore upping the tension even more. How would they know that Patrick would go straight to Citadel. For all they know, he could’ve hidden the key in the marsh.

On Page 73 - Could’ve milked that tension there with Hill and Patrick on the bridge. I mean, you can’t go getting my heart in my throat with such a vivid description as the fire soldiers crawling up from the ravine like ants, then end it with a simple “He grabs Hill and pulls them both to the top.” That’s leaving money on the table right there.

70 - repeats this sentence twice: “Volac lifts him with one hand as razor-sharp talons extend from the other.”

Listen guys, I don’t know what more to say other than well done on a stunning job with this story. At the end of the day this one helluva script and my issues are minor. I would like to hear what other people thought of it.

[tous]

Okay! Totally whatever, yadda bam boo- all that Henchman has said, the GREAT and the bad-make-up-fixes, I agree with all of them.

Glen, awesome script ma brotha. I thought the concept, really the whole nine yards, amazing. I just want to see an Indian throw his tomahawk. So on my first breeze through, because I was so immersed into the story, I didn't have the chance to read it analytically. But here are some things I picked up on:

I didn't think Patrick would have to get the men's attention for Aarondale at the end for his speech (I mean what's a war movie without a speech, a bit cheesy-- but brilliant).

Also in the action sequences there was WAY TOO MANY saves.
Ex: "Fire Soldier lifts up his weapon, ready to strike when-- BAM!" - those type of things.
It works well in the beginning for Patrick, then again when Patrick saves Smoke, and even when Patrick saves Hill, because it's a connecting moment. But then elsewhere it's not spread out enough, it's like one after the other someone is getting saved- and I know that's how war is but typically there's so much saving it's like, can't someone die already??
The biggest problem I had was when Donnellan sniped the fire soldier at the encampment when Patrick was facing the other end of a barrel. It was too easy. A writers way out of it and I think you could have really done something else with that moment. Make Patrick slip or something and have his gun go off- I forgot what technique that is but it's basically, you kill one guy to save your life and then that draws the attention of the 50 other soldiers around the corner, type deal.
OR because Henchman and I both agree that the horsemen planning on storming the citadel before they even know where the key is, they SHOULD HAVE THE KEY. Making it much difficult and putting another dilemma on their hands.
- It would put Patrick in such a tight pickle to not only save his father but sneak and grab the key from them, giving us a slight break from all the action/ and the action to come, and have a different scene, for stealth and a break-out.


I also didn't understand why Smoke would come back at the end AND with the mongols. It was an awesome touch but there was no motive. So it felt very played out from a writing standpoint. Have this guy go away only to come back. Give me a reason why I wouldn't want Smoke to stay and how he would be in legion with the mongols since he has stated "Old friends". (I know he carries a sword, but I wasn't sure if he's from that era)

Also, the ships at the end, a little confused. "Ready to set sail" Led me to believe that they were their ships? Waiting for them to load? but in my mind the way the scene transitioned I saw it as a fleet of bad guys coming ashore, kinda like in LOTR and the pirate ships in Return of The King.

Henchman- "Also, maybe I missed the explanation, but why do the soldiers explode into fire at the start, but when the fire soldiers kill them they don’t?" - I guess I missed that too. But seeing as that's how you wrote it out to be I just assumed that's the way it was. (Otherwise you'd have a big problem on your hands and they would keep respawning and it would never end) - (Which could be an aweful dilemma for them, maybe they then have to blow up the spires or something, whateveR) Which brought an interesting question to mind: Where do they go NOW after they die?

OO oo! Another thing, at the end I thought since they practically got decimated they would need more troops right? If they're gonna be taking the fight to them. I thought it would be cool- when you have us, at the end, traveling over everthing if we see these Fire Waves of all the incoming newly dead soldiers. Would be a very nice visual (kinda like what the Power Rangers do when they zoom down from the sky)

Anyways, if I happen to have the chance to read it again I'd go over some other notes, but I'm all in- want to see it, want to make babies with it and see the sequel. I liked that.