tonym
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by tonym on Apr 23, 2010 10:25:15 GMT -5
Excellent re-write, dude!
Some thoughts...
Page 1: Petra and William come across as a married couple, at first. Maybe have Petra say "We're friends hanging out. That's something," instead of "So what?" That would define their relationship right out the gate, plus being called a friend would sting William.
Page 3: I like how Lucifer now says, "Hmm, I thought that would work." Much better than "That usually works."
Page 5: Petra falling asleep in the car makes it too apparent that she'll be falling asleep later (I saw it coming). Maybe have her merely looking drowsy.
Page 7: Regarding "I thought I met the devil. But really I just peed on a guy." Maybe change "a guy" to "some weirdo." It would be ironic for William, a huge-ass weirdo, to be judgmental.
Page 8: Maybe get rid of "You can?" Instead, let the actor's face and body language convey what William is thinking (probably something sexual).
Page 8: Regarding "But I was honest. I can't fail." Maybe change to, "But I was honest. Where's my breakthrough?" It leads into Lucifer's dialogue better.
Page 8: For a possibly funnier ending, after William says "Oh..." have him say something like, "I was probably going to hell anyway, right?" And then Lucifer replies, "More than likely," or something along those lines. Then William vomits, the end.
Good luck!
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tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Apr 23, 2010 12:47:06 GMT -5
Wow great job! Excellent re-write my man. Tho, I would agree with what Tonym has said, they are excellent suggestions that would make things a pinch funnier and push things forward (The friendship sting, and falling asleep at the end)
The only one I disagree with is page 7, but that all depends on your humor. Anyways its the small changes that add to the mix so what you have already? has tasted most superb!
Haha, "Put that back and zip up please"
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Post by lazzard on Apr 29, 2010 10:12:46 GMT -5
Was about to make a comment - but just noticed that you've propbably shot it already!
Just so you know, I didn't think you needed to add the contract bit.
Once you see the devil and a contract in the same room you know exactly where it's going.
Still, with luck, it's shot now so you'll know what did and didn't work and won't have to rely on us lot who, quite frankly, are making it up as we go along!
Good luck with it.
PS any chance of seeing the finished article?
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Post by matt35mm on Apr 29, 2010 12:14:25 GMT -5
Thanks for taking a look at it, lazzard. I have shot most of it, yes. I'm glad to hear that you didn't think that the contract was necessary, because I took it out again. I made several changes based on our rehearsals and ideas that we came up with on set. I will post the film when it's done. Where are you filming this – i.e. what city are you in? I'm in Santa Cruz, California. |
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Post by echomusic on Apr 29, 2010 15:19:40 GMT -5
Thanks for taking a look at it, lazzard. I have shot most of it, yes. I'm glad to hear that you didn't think that the contract was necessary, because I took it out again. I made several changes based on our rehearsals and ideas that we came up with on set. I will post the film when it's done. Where are you filming this – i.e. what city are you in? I'm in Santa Cruz, California. Dude, I was just in Santa Cruz earlier this month. Went writing every day at this coffee shop near the boardwalk |
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Post by matt35mm on May 1, 2010 11:34:11 GMT -5
Santa Cruz is a pretty sweet place. Writing by the Boardwalk seems like a lovely idea.
So I've shot and cut together most of the film. I still have to shoot the devil in the bathroom scene, which I have to shorten because I lengthened the ending and I want to keep this under 10 minutes.
There are a bunch of changes in the film that I made for various reasons. Some changes you'll like, and some you won't like, undoubtedly, but it's moving in a direction that I'm happy with.
It should be ready to post in a week or two.
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Post by daveed on May 4, 2010 14:52:16 GMT -5
Very nice!
[edit: oops, I see you already shot the film, so my comments are pretty much OBE]
I read the 2nd draft first, and I thought that Petra and "Lucy" were revealed at the end to be the same person. I liked that twist, it was funnier and a much more satisfying ending. Because when you have a character who's explicitly the Devil, it's expected that he will convince some poor slob to sign away his soul. It's been done a gazillion times; very little opportunity to surprise the reader.
Unlike the 2nd draft, in which it's not exactly clear what deal William makes with "Lucy". Much better set up, IMO. This version also got me wondering whether in William's alcoholic state, "women are the devil", and the Faustian bargain will always haunt him: yes, he can be honest with a women, but she'll never respect him or give him what he truly wants, which is really just venality.
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Post by mahmoud on May 5, 2010 4:58:52 GMT -5
Matt my man!!!!!!
You really gave me some hope here. Excellent Short!!!
You got some skills dude.
I loved the twist ending.
Like Echo said, all you need is to spice up the closure.
But other than that, BRILLIANT!!!
You'll make it . Promise.
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Post by stephen guest on May 5, 2010 5:06:09 GMT -5
hey matt35mm
i've done a full edit on your script but i can't upload it as it's in final draft and it scrambles everywhere. what's your email and i'll sent it to you? mine's stephenguest@live.com.au
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Post by matt35mm on May 5, 2010 14:56:55 GMT -5
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone! I've finished the film and will be uploading it later today.
Stephen, I'll e-mail you. Thanks for doing an edit of it. I won't be able to incorporate anything into the film, since it's finished, but I am interested in seeing it anyway.
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Post by matt35mm on May 6, 2010 9:52:49 GMT -5
Okay everyone, I've completed the film. You can find it here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMnKhyTKytw&hd=1I'm sure some of you would have imagined it differently, but I'm pleased with the film and I hope that you will enjoy it! Thanks for all your thoughts! |
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tonym
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by tonym on May 6, 2010 12:53:52 GMT -5
Nice work, man! Looks great.
The actors were awesome. I love the new ending, especially Petra's quip.
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Post by matt35mm on May 13, 2010 0:46:42 GMT -5
Thanks for watching, tonym. I'm glad you liked it! I've sweetened the audio a bit and made the devil voice at the end more intelligible, and put that up on Vimeo. So for who haven't done so yet, please check out the film here: www.vimeo.com/11678294Thanks! |
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Post by glengarry on May 27, 2010 0:45:09 GMT -5
Caught your film on Go Into The Story. Nice work! Very ambitious to write it and shoot it! What's next?
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Post by foxdraw on May 27, 2010 10:11:14 GMT -5
Hey Matt,
I just read your final draft and then watched the film. Nicely done! I must say I liked how the dialogue was changed ever so slightly in the film to sound more natural. Don't know if that was done on purpose or not but it worked. Anyway, congrats on a job well done.
Keep us posted on what's coming up next!
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