|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 18, 2010 20:16:16 GMT -5
Hi all, Here's the script for a short film that I will be directing in the coming weeks. The working title for now is "At Least The Devil Is Honest," but that may change. www.mediafire.com/?z5hwynkaknnIt's at 7 pages now (should be a 7 minute film), and is the second draft. Feel free to offer your thoughts on it. It's a comedy with three characters. It's about a guy who has trouble being honest unless he's very drunk. He makes a deal with the devil, who promises him that if he gets super drunk and says what's really on his mind, he'll have a breakthrough with his best friend (a girl that he has a crush on). The guy wrongly assumes that "breakthrough" means "sex." It's got a lot of dialogue, largely because I have very little time to shoot it and am working with actors who are good with handling a lot of dialogue (we work together in theater). So in order to make it logistically simple, much of it is two people sitting and talking. But the pace is quick and the film is short, so I hope it won't be boring. Thanks!
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 20, 2010 3:55:30 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Jeff Messerman on Apr 20, 2010 13:55:07 GMT -5
Matt Latham...
You are VERY good at this.
Dialogue is pitch perfect. I mean REALLY REALLY f-in' perfect. I'm a big dialogue fan (Mamet, Woody Allen, Neil Simon, etc.). Love a good talky picture.
And I fear you have a GREAT talky picture on your hands.
William and Petra explode off the page. They're real and honest and true (what, did YOU make a deal with Lucifer too?!).
My God, I love this. I'm rushing to finish typing this so I can read it again.
Umm... please keep posting around these parts, okay? I'm instantly a fan of your work...
Oh, there's a typo at the top of page 1... should be "William and Petra are SITTING at a table."
There... at least I gave you ONE criticism...
Beyond that? Pretty much wonderful. I chuckled and even found, in some strange way, William's final monologue kinda' touching.
Done gushing. Change nothing. Go film this!
Jeff
|
|
tonym
Junior Member
Posts: 67
|
Post by tonym on Apr 20, 2010 15:34:33 GMT -5
Good stuff! Excellent dialogue.
Two observations:
1) Top of page 7: "...to pet the a horse...".
2) Williams' awesome speech on pages 6-7 might be funnier if it were rearranged slightly. Williams' confession peaks at the bottom of page 7, then loses energy. You might consider cutting the not-as-weird horse story from the top of page 7 and making it the new beginning of the confession.
Thanks for sharing!
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 21, 2010 13:59:18 GMT -5
Wowsers, Jeff! What high praise! That'll certainly give me the ego boost I need to go and direct this thing. Not that I'm all that egotistical, but one needs some confidence when directing, and your words are a big help.
We've got our cast, and they're excited about it and ready to hit it out of the ballpark. They're all excellent actors that I've had the pleasure of working with before, on the stage and in film. We're also close to securing the bar location.
Tonym, I'll definitely play around with the order of things in that speech to see what comes out of it.
Thanks to both of you for reading the script. And thanks for catching the couple of spelling mistakes.
|
|
|
Post by echomusic on Apr 21, 2010 14:58:20 GMT -5
Definitively one of the best things I’ve read on these boards.
The speech could be re-arranged a bit, nothing too drastic.
The ending (I need to go back and read again) didn’t seem to work for me on the same level as the rest of the piece – but once again, that could just be something I need to read a couple of times to ‘get it’ (I’m thick like that)
Well done, sir and I look forward to seeing this posted online soon?
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 21, 2010 20:02:17 GMT -5
Thanks, echomusic.
Any suggestions to make the ending better? It's not meant to be something you have to think too much about to "get," so maybe Basically, William was promised a breakthrough with Petra, which came in the form of him being totally honest and Petra saying okay instead of judging him. When you discover that you can be that honest with someone, that's a breakthrough in my book. With the deal done, the devil comes back and to take William's soul, as is a given with any deal with the devil. (William then vomits because 1: this is scary and 2: he drank way too much.)
If anyone has any thoughts on how to make the very last bit play better, please let me know.
And yes, I'll post the film here when it's done. That should be in about three weeks.
I'm thrilled to be getting complimented on this board, as I know everyone here has written and studied screenplays. To hear that my screenplay reads well to you guys is heartening.
|
|
|
Post by echomusic on Apr 21, 2010 20:56:20 GMT -5
Thanks, echomusic. Any suggestions to make the ending better? It's not meant to be something you have to think too much about to "get," so maybe Basically, William was promised a breakthrough with Petra, which came in the form of him being totally honest and Petra saying okay instead of judging him. When you discover that you can be that honest with someone, that's a breakthrough in my book. With the deal done, the devil comes back and to take William's soul, as is a given with any deal with the devil. (William then vomits because 1: this is scary and 2: he drank way too much.) If anyone has any thoughts on how to make the very last bit play better, please let me know. And yes, I'll post the film here when it's done. That should be in about three weeks. I'm thrilled to be getting complimented on this board, as I know everyone here has written and studied screenplays. To hear that my screenplay reads well to you guys is heartening. Possibly have him make his confession, she tells him that she can be that friend. Then he asks her about the sex...and she doesn't quite respond...he asks her again, then she passes out from too much drink. He shakes her a bit. She snores. He sits there, pissed off, possibly entertains the thought of sneaking a peek underneath her blouse. The Devil appears and says 'Dude...c'mon...even I think that's a dick move. Now...you got what you wanted so, let's talk about our arrangement.' William looks at the Devil, then the girl...then the Devil again...and vomts. On the Devil's shoes. DEVIL: Seriously? Cut to end credits. Something like that.
|
|
tonym
Junior Member
Posts: 67
|
Post by tonym on Apr 21, 2010 22:01:53 GMT -5
I like echomusic's ending better.
The original ending seems to be suggesting that women tempt men because women are the devil, which is more off-putting than funny.
|
|
|
Post by henchman on Apr 21, 2010 23:00:34 GMT -5
With the deal done, the devil comes back and to take William's soul, as is a given with any deal with the devil. Oh my word, either I'm as dense as the Amazon Jungle or something is wrong here. If you hadn't mentioned that, Matt, I would still be scratching my head to this very moment. If that was your intention, rock on, but I for one totally missed the part where he made a deal for his soul. (duh henchman!) Otherwise I would've replied long ago to tell you how much I enjoyed it. But, quite frankly, I just didn't get it, I didn't see the point. I got that the honesty was his breakthrough, but after finishing it I went, 'okaaay..... what I miss?' So, I'm guessing it would be too obvious for the devil to mention that the deal is for William's soul, or just refer to it somehow? You know, just for us slow guys at the back. Otherwise, I thought it was a great idea (when I finally GOT IT!)
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 22, 2010 3:28:26 GMT -5
The original ending seems to be suggesting that women tempt men because women are the devil, which is more off-putting than funny. Ooh, I definitely didn't mean to suggest that. I'd never suggest that! Okay, so it sounds like it might be good to have Lucifer reappear at the end, and distinguish him from Petra (the original version is supposed to have the devil possessing Petra at that moment when she says, "Sex wasn't part of the deal," but I don't want to that to be confused for the idea that Petra was the devil all along or anything like that). Then, also make clear at this point that Lucifer is there for William's soul. Thanks for the suggestion, echomusic! I'll consider something like that for how to bring Lucifer back in. Thanks everyone for your input so far.
|
|
|
Post by dave243 on Apr 22, 2010 5:56:12 GMT -5
Matt, I must say that I agree with everyone in that this is one of the best things I've read on here. I like the idea of having Lucifer reappear at the end.
I was confused as to whether Petra was either A) Really Lucifer ( in the original draft where Lucifer was a lady) or B) Lucifer was really Petra and he was drunk out of his mind when he was seeing the red glow.
Link back here when its completed because I am excited to see the final video.
|
|
tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
|
Post by tous on Apr 22, 2010 13:35:35 GMT -5
I thought it was a classic. The devil, so vague in his words.
And to fix Henchman's dilemma, it's bad to assume that everyone would know that the Devil is after everyone's soul, but then it's like who wouldn't know that? (It makes me dumb thinking that) - (but any who, to fix that!) I like the way everything runs on interpretation-- and having the Devil say "For your Soul" would be too out there. I mean, he doesn't even say he's the Devil. That's all William's interpretation. So maybe the handshake said too little? (I don't know who shakes hands in the bathroom with a stranger) Suggestion: So maybe have him pull out a sheet of paper and have William sign it? Or! Possibly have the Devil hold a sheet of paper in front of his pants when William is peeing -- that would mean William has just signed it. (Since this is really funny, it's like instead of his blood, it's his urine) Then once he says "It's not a problem" He rolls it up into his jacket. (Even if it's before the Deal, it makes him cocky and there's not a story that turns him down)
Also, I thought at the end that Petra was the Devil and not even the Devil taking over her for that split second. So I would agree with having him reappear, even THO i really like the vagueness too it and the mystery.
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 23, 2010 5:54:07 GMT -5
Thanks for your feedback, everyone! I've done a fourth draft that takes into account the clarity of the ending. I've added a contract for William to sign in the bathroom scene and I have Lucifer coming back right at the end, instead of the red light coming from Petra. There are also a few small changes in dialogue. Please let me know if this draft works better, and ASAP, since we're already rehearsing and will be shooting in a day. Here it is: www.mediafire.com/?yzy0mzkml0n
|
|
|
Post by echomusic on Apr 23, 2010 9:45:00 GMT -5
I liked it. It’s still sharp. Still quick.
This may just be me looking at it the way I would do it – but I think there are still some comedy moments waiting to be had in there. And that may just be you guys getting on set and playing around with it a bit.
I think there are a couple of moments in the bathroom and at the end where you could go for a bigger laugh – not slapstick laugh – but with the interaction between William and Lucifer.
In the end, it’s your project so you have to be happy with it first and foremost.
Where are you filming this – i.e. what city are you in?
|
|