9.0 - Anger (first post!)

[dwight]

This is my 1st draft of a 4-5 person project we started in the General Boards. Multiple stories formulaicly placed together (each scene 1 page).

So here is 20 pages of my story (1 of 4-5 ). I tried to keep it short for the formula so descriptions were shaved down. Tell me what you think. Permission to be ruthless!!


Title: 9.0 - Anger
Genre: Tragedy
Quick Tagline: A businessman with anger issues, comes across a conflict on a 9.0 scale.

www.sendspace.com/file/trahie
updated 8-9-2010

[tous]

Some grammatical errors. First sentence on page 1 and first sentence-paragraph on page 2. Do you just not like first sentences? haha.
okay page 17 also, few letters missing in dialogue.

(SPOILER)
Besides that, Peter Dwight, I very much liked it. For me, everything worked perfectly. I know it's like, "what can I work on!?" But--- i don't know.
Page 22-- my highlight. Such a sad beautifully drawn ending- because you made me, as the reader become incredibly involved with Grant. Seriously dude, can't say that I didn't start to well up when he finally spoke with his brother and come into terms with his anger.

Theme line was straight through, disproving to prove it. And all the setups of character and annoyances and his problems dealing with anger worked out to keep my interest to the end--- and I must say, the end- what a shocker.

Now, visually, i don't think i'd want to see this --only because I don't want it any more real than you've already made it in my head
And sorry man, I honestly, for me- cannot be ruthless with this one, I think you really worked this one out.

OH and -What I'm interested in now is how all this would play out with the other 4-5 stories. Would they be broken up and mixed around to fit into 110 pages? If so, do they all revolve around that one disastrous event? (Like Vantage Point) Or be separated (like Paris, I love you and Tokyo!) Anyways the first might destroy the momentum. I'm just curious as to the other stories.

Thanks for the read!

[mscherer]

Peter,

Will be posting my comments later in the day. I can say this: I loved the opening quote -- very powerfu. More later as I,

Keep Writing!

[dwight]

Thanks tous. haha I looked at it again.. and sure enough, very first line haha, oh man.

I definitely was going for the tragedy within the natural disasters arena, but that's a good point of making it almost too heavy. So hopefully i can work something stronger into the end to have a way out of the tragedy, more for the audience's sake.

My buddy gave me some tips with the final conversation. Like saying they love each other without saying it specifically. It definitely needs to be strengthened.

I'm curious about the stories coming together as well. Should be interesting.

Thanks for the read.

[mscherer]

Peter,

Sorry I'm late -- life happens ;D Let's get to it!

Not sure you need the first five pages showing Grant at work as it doesn’t get us to the core of his problem: anger.

Maybe if he gets angry during the meeting, insults the Taiwanese business men in Mandarin and ends up losing the deal you would show the reader Grant’s problem sooner. Just a thought.
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Grant’s coasts down the road a lavish BMW to match his
success. He smiles as he takes a call the bluetooth.

Try: Grant cruises along in a luxurious BMW that matches his success. He smiles -- talks on his cell.

I realize this is a first draft, but you should clean up any typos, etc. Be careful about verb tense – be consistent. Also, streamline your action lines.

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KATE HODGES, Grant’s wife, she waits eagerly for the news.

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No point repeating to the reader something you have already told him:

MARK (CONT’D)
Thankfully, with this meeting and
this good group of guys. I can
definitely face my anger. And lord
knows I need to. As large as I am.
A little anger with me can turn
into a big problem.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Was a little confused how Grant could see the traffic light swinging during the quake, then have the light land on his roof and land on another car. Be sure all your actions are logical and happen in the right sequence.

Liked the ending at the coroner’s office, but you could change:

Grant hangs up, and starts walking down the hall. He drops something into a trash bin.
IN TRASH
The crumpled prescription for anti-anxiety pills rests on the top... he can walk on his own now.

To something along the lines:

Grant hangs up – walks down the hall. He crumples the prescription into a ball – drops it on the floor.
No need to tell the reader ‘…he can walk on his own now.’ When you just showed it.

All in all I enjoyed reading your contribution to this grand experiment and I can’t wait to read the completed script. Keep up the good work and,

Keep Writing!

[dwight]

Michael, thanks for the read and excellent feedback.

I'm contemplating the beginning boardroom scene. Its necessity, if any, since there is no real anger shown there. So i guess my only reason was to show Grant is successful and possibly a leveled person, then flip it. I'll definitely re work those first scenes.

I'm glad you mentioned the traffic light part, because i didn't like how I wrote it. Re-reading it I kept feeling like it could be confusing. I actually felt I was squeezing too much into scattered description into 1 page. It definitely needs another look.

Thanks again michael.

I will (and need to) keep writing!