Songs Without Words

[songswithoutwords]

Hi all,

I am an amateur and will remain so for the foreseeable future. This is my first script longer than 10 pages.

The script started as an idea for a short film. Eventually, the backstory grew, the characters developed, and the story extended itself to feature length. I started writing it, and after 90 pages I realised I was not yet half-way through the story. Too much material.

So I took act 1 and converted it as best I could into a pilot for a miniseries.

This is episode one of seven. The plot and structure through all seven episodes have been worked out and put down on paper.

All feedback is welcome. Thanks for your time, and where possible, enjoy the read!

Andrew

Download here:
www.mediafire.com/?im2tz4yn2tz
...or if that link stops working (as I am sure it will someday), log in to download the file from here.

Structure of first 7 episodes:
www.mediafire.com/?gm2gji2knlz

Attachments:

[echenry]

Andrew, I read your 1st episode of "Songs Without Words" three times, and I found it very confusing and would like your help understanding the story you're trying to tell.

1) Who is your intended audiece? The vibe I got from reading your 1st episode was that this intended for a British or a Geman audiece. Am I right? OR are you making this for American PBS?

2) Can you explain the significance of the language Solresol? You cue all actors and actresses to speak it page 6 - 44. Dude, what's up that? I had to look it up on-line to see if was a real language. It is. Solresol is some "universal" langage of music. Grafting that into episode one, and throwing that at a mainstream audiece without a VERY GOOD SET-UP is going to confuse a lot of people -- unless your target audience is a very narrow: one intimatley famiar with the langauge of Solresol.

2-a) I think you need to seriously look into setting up what this language is early on. I don't think you can expect a mainstream audiece to be onboard with it, untill you find a good of explaining it's significase. THAT said I did like what you did on page 4 with your open credits sequence, with all letters appearing as musical notes. It was improperly formatted, but your concept idea was very good -- don't loose that.

3) What is the central conflict of episode one? A lot is happening, but as your audience what are trying to get me to respond to?

4) Your opening images of this story are of Adelmar musing over what kicked off WWI. What is the signficance of that? Why did you choose to begin with that?

Don't get me wrong, I am glad you posted your work. That shows a lot of guts. But I'd be lying if I said I really understood what you wrote and the central story you're telling. Hopefully after this post, you'll chime back in and cue me because I just gave your very confusing story 3 hours of my life.

Did like the fact most of your lines of description are short ones. Makes for a fast read.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[songswithoutwords]

Hi E.C., thanks for your post. And for reading it 3 times.

I actually expected this kind of feedback. I have a number of problems with this one.... I think you've hit them on the head. It is confusing. It remains so, even though over the course of a year I have put it away, taken it back out, and clarified it several times. But the problem is, the story is way too complex. I need to find the heart of it, and go straight into telling that.

Arrh feck. What to do now.

Originally when this was a feature, the opening presented some elements which started to become clear as we transitioned to act 2. I worked hard to make those elements not-too-confusing-i-hope. Clearly didn't work. And now that act 1 has become episode 1, we only have the confusing bits, and the musical language, and no real plot. AARRGH.

I know all this, actually. And I am trying to tell myself, I am smart enough to fix it. I am strong enough to cut off the pieces which interfere with the core of the story. I can make this understandable. Failure should make me stronger, right? But it also makes me really really tired....

I propose this, as a way to move forward: This story is about an alternate 20th century. In that respect, it is a lot like science fiction. It deals with societies which do not really exist.
In the course of inventing a new 20th century, I have made up dozens of "mini-stories" in the character histories. Actually, some of them I thought could be the root of their own screenplay.
Maybe I should post some of those ideas and see what people think of them, which ones are worth developing. Then I can start on a much smaller scope. Something simpler and closer to the real human condition.

This thing is clearly out of control. I don't want to drop it though.

(P.S. thanks for the compliment about the short description / quick read -- I detected some subtext in there which gave me a chuckle.)

Andrew

[songswithoutwords]

Oh, I didn't answer your question. The original idea, which i guess is lost and long gone:

In 2010, everyone speaks a language based on music. Kevin, a young man who never knew his parents, stumbles upon a language which has been suppressed by the authoritation government: English. As he learns the language, he is also led down a path which will reveal his own past.

I need to get back to that, I think.

[echenry]

After drafting up a script and episode, its never a bad idea to go back and dissect what you wrote and see what trajectory you're on.

BUT you're asking the right questions, Andrew.

Logline: In 2010, everyone speaks a language based on music. Kevin, a young man who never knew his parents, stumbles upon a language which has been suppressed by the authoritarian government: English. As he learns the language, he is also led down a path which will reveal his own past.

I actually like the idea of exploring the Solresol language. Your script led me to a few on-line queries on that word, and there has been a few Solresol movements over the years.

I'm guessing your alternate world starts in 1919, hence the opening voice overs by Ademar. Maybe instead of going into WWI leaders, you need to go into Ademar's significance and how Solresol became a universal language, which replaced other languages and brought peace. Also then establish an authoritarian government came into being.

You're playing with some very high concept ideas, Andrew. And from what I'm seeing your initial set-up is crucial. You need to set-up this new, alternate history world, THEN make it personal through Kevin and Orchid.

Don't loose heart, Andrew, I'm a writer too and I've often tackled projects that were greater in scope than I thought I could pull off. Chip away at your problems. If I were you I'd start a story journal and explore these three key AREAS of your script.

1) Solresol: and its affect on people.

2) The authoritarian government. How is this different than groups such as the Nazis, the Soviets, or George Orwell's "1984."

3) Kevin's character arc through the 7 episodes.

Thanks for the response. You really handled my comments well. That's the sign of a mature writer.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA