"Goode Cop - Zombie Cop"

[glengarry]

I posted the 1st 2 acts on the act boards as I finished my brush up on the final draft. Here it is!

E.C. your off the hook! You gave it an earnest look in the act section! :)I know you said to drop this based on the unbelievable concept but I just had to see it through to the end! I'm sure you understand. I was just too close! i am putting the finishing touches on a straight action spec now and I will post once I get this next rewrite.

Whew. Been awhile since I've been to the board. It's good to see lots of folks putting up new material and giving great feedback.

Hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend. I've been getting dirty looks from my wife all weekend because I've been at the keyboard ALOT the last month or so... (just kidding she is SUPER supportive)

Time to stop the writing and join the party!

link below:

www.sendspace.com/file/xti7tq

[songswithoutwords]

Hiya glengarry,
Wanted to tell you I printed this out yesterday but won't be able to get a read in for a week or so... or possibly more. It's second in my stack at the moment.
I'm loving the Simon Pegg title. Cop movies and Zombie movies. Excellent.
I haven't read anything about it in the other sections of the forum, so I'm looking at this fresh.
Andrew

[henchman]

Okay, so this is not really my cup of tea, but I decided, what the hell, let me step out of my comfort zone this time.

What I liked about this story is the spoofing of two well-worn genres: the zombie movie and the buddy-cop movie. It’s a buddy-cop movie with a zombie twist, but once that aspect has been established, it becomes just another buddy action movie with nothing new to add to either genre.

The gay/penis/sex running joke throughout the story gets a bit too much, reaching its nadir when Zombie drops to his knees on page 63 during the dialogue with Goode. Before that was a scene I found quite funny - the wanking/bomb scene. But that almost became like the last straw for me and when there was more crude sex jokes I was thinking ‘enough already’. The sexual references become overbearing. It seems almost every scene has a reference to sex.

I also think what would’ve helped this story a lot was to fill out the 2-dimensional characterisations. For instance, I would’ve liked to know why Zombie cop remains a cop, fighting against his own kind instead of just being a zombie. And why does he seem to be the only ‘good’ zombie and all the other zombies are ‘bad’

Also, I didn’t care at all for Sasha and Goode. If you’re going to do something that is so OTT like this is, the least you could do is create characters that have clear and understandable motivations. But all the characters exist to service a plot that doesn’t offer much in the way of freshness. It’s a buddy-cop crime plot with a megalomaniacal climax.

I think the story also misses opportunities for some kind of commentary which would’ve made for a more interesting read, but it just seems to be too straight forward.

Some more issues:

Pg 7 - They swallow the tiny penises.

Pg 8 - description should read Captain Decker, female, 30s

Pg 18 - merge INFORMANT dialogue

Pg 23 Hunger for what? Human flesh? It needs to be more clearer. Also, that’s not a very visual description. An audience won’t know that the pills were to stop his hunger. Maybe you first need to explain that somewhere in dialogue.

Pg 42 - Harvey should be capitalised, character intro.

Pg 62 - The camera crew appears, but they weren’t there for the action in the warehouse? What’s up with that? And even here, their presence seems a bit unnecessary.

Pg 65 Didn’t like this montage thing too much.

Pg 88 Error in Cock’s dialogue:

COCK
Excuse me. Um, Rat, How do you (know) him?

Pg 92 - The peril Sasha is in will be lost on the audience because we don’t care for her, we barely got to know her.

The twist with Simon being the real mastermind was a good one, but subsequent to that the whole thing descends into stupidity with the whole showdown in the warehouse.

Also, to have Simon now, out of nowhere, not only being a zombie but also being the main villain after only appearing a few times in the story seems like a cheat.

Pg 97 - Did Goode just walk up to Bo-Bo and twist the cable around his neck, and Bo-Bo just stands there? There needs to be some more action before he gets the cable around his neck.

So that’s my story, glengarry, probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think it’s important to be honest about these things, and it’s only one opinion after all. Also, as this kind of genre is not one I’m really ‘into’, I wouldn’t let my opinion count for THAT much

However, just keep on writing!!

[henchman]

Oh, forgot too mention, if there was one thing I really appreciated about this script was that technically it was an easy read. It really fits in with what a VERTICAL script should look like, full of white space

Also, you'll probably just dismiss this complaint because I'm just a damn foreigner, but a lot of the cultural references went over my head because they were so specifically American. It most likely won't be a problem for a local American audience, which is your most important audience, but once it goes abroad, it could be a problem.

[tous]

Hey Glen, haven't had the chance to read, planning on reading it tomorrow. Grr weekend.

[tous]

Okay Glen. In order to get along with the script and enjoy the ride I had to do a few things while reading it. Is One - Accept anything. Two - Don't ask questions. And Three - (Well I can't think of a third)

But point being. This is one funny script. I found myself laughing out loud on several occasions which I'll point out.

Some things I think you should show:
1. More zombie civilization getting along with humanity. Not just Seacrest. Unless they all have to be evil, then why?
2. Why does Zombie Cop care so much about keeping humans alive? It feels like he is just out for revenge, so why would he let the bystanders of others get in his way? Show his sympathy--(Does he have a mother that tells him to be good? Is it Harvey that tells him something about humanity before he dies?)
3. page 15 - Zombie Cop is a vegetarian? How? Why? By definition a Zombie feasts on living flesh. "Breathers: A Zombie's Lament"'s understanding that they would grow weak and that flesh repairs them, would make being a vegetarian acceptable, otherwise any Zombie core fan would know that his organs couldn't digest a salad- and would actually throw up his food. I wouldn't believe pills would hold him over. Even Blade who is only half vampire hungers more than ZC and ZC is full zombie.
Improve:
Just show that the pills suck balls and ZC still has some tendencies to bite people. Maybe that is why he doesn't want a partner, someone constantly around him? (Cause you don't show any reason for that either. Goode doesn't necessarily get in his way or slow him down)


Things to improve:
page 5/8 - I didn't get the cock thing until page 8, so this misplacement sets the tone into being weird and confusing humor, instead of funny. (I think you should start with the history scene)
Problem:
It's a pharmaceutical commercial? It doesn't play like one. I think it's used at a writer's convenience to get the back story out of the way. At the end Seacrest says - "He's known as the Cock" - Wouldn't people during these times know who he is already? Like "Duh, we know" - (So instead, maybe have the Cock commercial, be sponsored by the Cock. I mean he's allowed into a Club, they need money as Zombies so obviously they buy crap and want fancy shit, so just make him seem to be an overpowering corrupt bad guy to society)
page 8 - "Into a drawer full of former ZC partners" Show, not tell. Is it labeled?
page 18 - Hiding in his former factory?
At the club - why does he not say his line into the camera? Is he not in the mood? I thought he loved the spotlight
page 26 - Sasha is doing a scene. I thought ZC would see that.
page 33 - I don't believe Zombie Cop would choose the girl. He wasn't even that interested and letting Goode choose who does what is a little high in authority that ZC would disregard him because he so badly wants the Cock, he wouldn't leave it up to a partner he neglects. Would he?
page 38- Goone's cellphone would have been confiscated.
page 38 - there's no setup to the dickfer joke.
Improve:
"You smell like dickfer" - "whats' a dickfer"
page 45 - how did he wake up in a hospital, he wasn't conscious that he turned into a zombie? (didn't make sense he would say that)
page 46-47 - If your going to keep this scene, (Kinda thought it killed the originality but it plays out nicely in the following scenes.) but when Rat comes in and says he tweeted them an hour ago. I was hoping one of them could say "Now that's gay" - would be a great punchline.
page 49 - Running on another tip from informant. At least give them a clue and not an exact whereabouts. Make it difficult! (I know it's a mock)
page 92 - I don't feel any.. stakes or risks for Zombie Cop. Why should he care about some actress and an entire building full of people he doesn't know.
Improve:
If he really cared for the girl. He should have shown his affection for her that night in his pad, rather than immediately pulling out guns and going for the Cock.
Ending- I think Goode would say "That's so Goode" wouldn't you?


The laughs:
page 12- Goode keeps going! Shoots him in the nuts over and over.
page 13- (Laughing out loud)
page 32 - I love that line - me too.
page 51- Dude this is gay -- Elevator music
page 55 - (Laughing out loud again)
page 62/63 - Goode confesses lying awake. (hahah amazing)
page 87 - Goode reacts defensively
page 95 - Endorphins, brain, blood, sasha (haha)
End Credits - ha, good timing for random end banter.


Character:
Zombie Cop
I love that he sings and his description is extremely visual and describes his strong character and swagger. Excellent.

Goode
His character makes everything funny by being serious and intense at what he does. And does things the way he finds fast and logical. He's not stupid. Just reckless. Awesome.


Random:
Page 45-50 Up to this point - I as well noticed a lot of gay/cock reference jokes. Might want to tone them down unless this all has to do with some theme. But I liked how Zombie Cop uses that distraction, with humor to get out of a sticky situation during the warehouse scene.

Anyways this script was extremely funny. Great use of ACTION. Words are clear and precise, for me anyways, im not picky. Scenes started late ended early, great! Bleeds out a little at the end, after page 60 I recognized my interested being a little dragged. and also- just think more on how your audience which would be a lot of Zombie head fanatics would criticize it.
Otherwise. I really enjoyed it.

[glengarry]

Tous! Thank you! Appreciate the read and the comments!

I will steal this joke for sure:

page 46-47 - If your going to keep this scene, (Kinda thought it killed the originality but it plays out nicely in the following scenes.) but when Rat comes in and says he tweeted them an hour ago. I was hoping one of them could say "Now that's gay" - would be a great punchline.

Quick question if you pop back to this thread, on the same beat above you mentioned the 'originality'... did you get the homage here? What's it from?... (curious)

I think the comment that resonated most was the character depth/arc. It's something i have been giving a good deal of thought to and I was curious if anyone else would point it out.

I knew I would hear about the absurdity of the concept, though 20 million dollars was spent last weekend watching a foul mouthed twelve year girl play superhero. I knew I would hear comments regarding the sexual innuendo, though hundreds of millions were spent to witness a naked asian jump out of the trunk of a buick off the vegas strip and one man blow another in a hotel elevator...

But this comment on the character arc was something i wasn't sure if I would see or not. I was hesitant to bog things down with too much character development but now I intend on going back and taking another look.

I now realize that in even the most absurd of concepts i will need more complete character strengths/weaknesses/goals... It may end up being something simple to shore things up (not as simple as a quest for a twinkie) but something.

Thanks again!

[glengarry]

Henchman-

I appreciate the read. I just printed your henchman feature and intend on paying you back... One way or another!

[glengarry]

Henchman just Kidding! That's for the comments. I noted above in Tous' review that the characterization is something i intend to work on and something i was most curious about.

Sorry about some of the innuendo. It was a LONG, HARD battle! At first i did not intend for this to be a sexual comedy but early on when i was developing the reason that a zombie breakout it was the idea of a popular prescription accident that took hold...

What's the most popular prescrition medicine out there?!

Erectial Dysfunction pills! The Cock was born in that instant. The picture of a zombie crime lord pitching a tent was impossible to resist. So the cat being out of the bag, toothpaste completely squeezed from the tube... I had to let it take me where it wanted to... for better or worse.

In case. Thanks again for the read and i really do look forward to Henchman in the next day or two. you'll hear from me soon...

[tous]

Haha, yea of course dude. 40 year old virgin. You can't miss that. I just thought from this whole experience of reading it, i wouldn't expect seeing it. Maybe originality is too strong a word - i believe i heard someone say that in the past on these boards to someone else and it must have gotten recycled in my head and just popped in there. -And you did turn it around and make it your own. That's quality. And that's what I liked about it. Very funny - Glad I can be of Usssee!