Songs Without Words, episode 1, 2nd try

[songswithoutwords]

Hi everyone,

Two months ago I posted a draft of "Songs Without Words, episode 1" which was confusing and not well received. Thread was here:

Old version
www.gitsclub.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=wholescripts&action=display&thread=35

I've done some work on it to shore up the structure and clarify story elements. I've upped the stakes. I've changed both tone and pacing. I've added a lot of exposition, because in this case, it was necessary.

Despite these changes, I am aware that anyone watching this will have to be willing to follow along for a while, somewhat confused, putting the pieces together, trusting that the story will emerge. I think the story does emerge. But will anyone still be watching by that point?

So the question is: Is there enough to pique your interest at the beginning, so you will stick with me to the end? And, does it become clear at the end?

Sorry, no log line! :-)
(although if you have to have one, you'll find it by following the link above)

Thanks for your time. Link to the new version is below, or log in to download it from this site directly.

New version
www.mediafire.com/?mtbnzznzjdz

EDIT: Due to a technical issue with my upload (file name too long), you may have trouble downloading the script from this post. If so, please try downloading from reply #3 below. Thanks for your patience :-)

Attachments:

[tonym]

I assumed Kevin was an insane artist whose delusional mind was warping his perception of reality (substituting musical notes for letters and gibberish for words).

Once I realized reality actually was warped, I was disappointed. I was liking Kevin the crazy artist. Kevin the stuttering guy who pesters the clerk about his parents every month even though he has no new information for the clerk, him I didn't like so much.

The screenplay moved along at a good pace and was well written, though. I read to page 10, then skipped around. It seems like cool stuff happens later.

I hope you get a few other people reading and commenting. You've clearly worked on this a lot.

PS: The "f" in ".pdf" is missing on the attachment.

[tous]

Andrew.
You kept my interest all the way through.
The beginning.
Somewhat confusing, a lot of switches in scenes- but on the screen I think this will translate much better than on the page - and further into reading it all connected so this was very artistically well thought out-- you just have to really pay attention.

So yes. It was very clear for me, this world you created. You hand out little trinkets of information for us to gather--on all sides of the cylinder- with character relationships and plot so I really enjoyed that. I was never bored, loved the whole music thing, I wanna hear them speak haha.

Ending.
Did leave me with a few questions, like why is Kevin so important and why did Orchid all of a sudden just get up and leave, and what's with her nosebleeds--which I'm sure was all intentional since I'm impatiently waiting for the next one >< So sweet macaroons.

OH.
Why did Orchid leave with Paul at the bar? -- I'm willing to go along with it-since it was her drunkenness and that spunk we saw in the beginning that allows us to understand her feel of the world and the decisions she makes on how to deal with things. But, I just thought it was SUCH a bad decision for no pointless matter, but to spike up Kevin's interest. I like their relationship. And I noticed he didn't stutter when he got mad.
Also.
Is Carolyne's newly appointed position at the end supposed to be a big deal? It seems like she has a bigger picture in this as well, so I'm hoping there is a past with her I'll find out later.

I'm pretty sure I have a lot more to say but I'm blown away by your writing so can't wait for the next one dude. Thanks for the read!

[songswithoutwords]

Hi tous, tonym,

Thanks so much for spending some time on this one. Your feedback is already helping!

tonym, I know what you mean. Reality is usually a disappointment. ;D Point taken about him being non-sympathetic. I need to balance him carefully. Thank you.

tous, you're so right. in a previous draft, it made more sense for Orchid to leave with Paul. In this one I need to work on that. About Carolyne, I'm just going to think about that last scene. It's a bit of an epilogue... and it might not be stong enough.

I've attached the doc again to fix the problem with the missing f on pdf. That's because my file name was too long for this site. Posters, beware! Filenames are limited to 55 characters. Hopefully it works this time.

All the best,

Andrew

Attachments:

[tonym]

Making a character sympathetic may be as simple as having the character do something "nice" early in the script.

A couple examples off the top of my head...

Set out a saucer of milk for a stray cat.
Kill a bee that is buzzing around the face of a frightened old lady.

The book Save the Cat is named after this trick.

[songswithoutwords]

tous, question for you below.

I got some offline feedback that the conflict in this one doesn't go far enough. The exact words were "uninteresting conflict". Struck a chord with me. I think there's some truth in that.

On the other hand, this is a society which is not free to speak its mind. I am trying to demonstrate the conflict in subtext. But worried that the subtext is not registering. Actually, worried even more that I am rationalizing and avoiding conflict altogether.

Did you have any points where you thought the conflict was cut short?

Thanks in advance,
Andrew

[tous]

I am trying to demonstrate the conflict in subtext

Hey Andrew,
From my first read, because I just read it again, I was so drawn into it that because its in the subtext, I just enjoyed reading it and seeing it in my mind, so you absolutely did put it all in the subtext. I feel the whole uprising, society that is trapped is all the center plot (like the titanic eventually sinking) overlapped with Orchid's and Kevin's story.
So my only thought is that your outside source saying "uninteresting conflict" is more of a personal taste? I mean the audience is always smarter so putting it in the subtext as it is, won't be a overlooked, just put underneath.
Perhaps he thought the conflict didn't rise to create enough stakes, why isn't the music really uniting everyone? Perhaps you can show more of society being denied their rights for security. (Like in V for Vendetta, the opening scene with the curfew) I think that will help change his/her perspective because he'll be interested when he feels his rights are being violated and he wants an uprising as well. And then the story shows the mystery of how it gets there, or.. maybe it doesn't even- maybe it just falls.

And this is episodic, no? Reading it as the first episode- the 70 page set-up of a full series. So really the conflict hasn't even begun.

Just breezing through it:

Orchid
Stakes/Risk: Not knowing the truth. (About her grandfather's death, and the code)/Getting caught, death/Being abused by the people (Which could be pushed further. I felt it for her in the plaza, but after that it dies off, so maybe bring that back to the bar scene at the end or something, then Paul could be there to take her away since Kevin is somewhat shy? But all in all I found it on the level with her lack of privacy, it definitely shows.

Kevin
Stakes/Risk:Not knowing the truth (About his parents)/Unemployment/Getting caught, death/falling for Orchid.

Carolyne - What will she do with all the debt? How will this effect her on Orchid and their reputation?

Mystery:
Page 7: CAROLYNE (m) How did he die? (Ademar)
Page 8: My father is no longer with us, but his legacy remains in every word we sing. (Is this true? I'm anxiously waiting for how it will come about. Since there is a long history of him being alive, now that he's dead what will happen? Things are shown to be rearranging already)
Pages in between: Why did Ademar have so much debt? Why did he keep other language books/codes if he is the grandfather of music? (I feel a relation to Lemar in Minority Report)
Page 57: Why were they let go? What is his reason? Furthermore now they are being watched, and why? (Pushes further the connection to an uprising)

Conflict:
Page 8: Against subversion and insurrection (subtext)

[songswithoutwords]

Hi tous,

Thanks for the second read! And for your further notes. Actually it's quite satisfying to see the questions you are expecting me to answer in future episodes, because in most cases those were the questions I was hoping one would be asking themselves. Occasionally you have open questions which I didn't intend to ask or to leave open -- those I have to fix.

Your reactions are invaluable.

Episode 1 took 14 months to build to this point. I think the long time was needed for two reasons: I had to create the world and the whole series' story first, and I had to learn how to write.

I've only just begun carding episode 2. I think today I decided what the central conflict would be. It takes place in the early 20th century, before the revolution, and so .... no subtitles! All in English. Thank goodness. But it's really in the beginning stages. I hope it will take only 4 months or so to write.

At the same time, I am doing work with some musicians on how the language might sound. We have the vocabulary. If you ever find a PDF of the world's only Solresol dictionary online, then it's because of research my wife and I did --- we found the book in French national library vault and had it converted to PDF and posted online by an enthusiast in Australia.

So we have it, but how would one really speak it? How would one speak it 60 years after its inception? It would naturally evolve, and quickly. We're working on that. It's not easy. For this concept to work on the screen, it has to sound AMAZING. But it doesn't. Sounds too happy, for one. And it's hard to convey an attitude with it, especially cynicism. It's all harmonious, melodious, and slow slow slow. We gotta hip-hop it up somehow.

And then, how should it look? How would the Coca Cola logo look if it was written in musical notes? I'm working with a graphic artist on that.

Why am I doing all this as a writer? Because I think the language is the one major no-go point for this idea. Any producer would immediately see that we're talking about a movie which is mostly subtitled. If I can't show that this thing is great to look at and listen to, then my chances of seeing it made are very low.

So going back to your point in your first post "I wanna hear them speak haha": Me too. If all works out as currently planned, then you will be able to hear it later this year, as we plan to shoot a test sequence or two and probably post it on youtube. That's the plan, but sincerely my expectations are not high. We're just a group of friends out for a laugh....

Andrew