Should Have Kissed Her /Full Script

[mtf]

Hi everyone,
This is a 1st draft, I welcome and appreciate your feedback and comments.
Many Thanks,
Mark

Attachments:

[darrenm]

Can you give a logline?

[mtf]

sorry darren, it's a romantic comedy, here goes (not great with log-lines).
A real estate broker is illegally cheated out of his mega $$$ deal by his own company and his live-in girlfriend, who is the other broker in the deal. Disgusted by their immorality and betrayal, he begins a spiritual quest visiting different monasteries, believing God has called him ‘to serve’. But the female travel agent he uses unexpectedly starts calling to him too, and he has to decide, is she a temptress, or his true calling?

[tonym]

I read to page 10. I think too much time is spent in flashbacks, and there are too many scenes hammering home the differences between Steve and Nick.

Hope that helps.

[tous]

Hey!

Sweet beans killer tree.

Alright so I only got up to page 56 don't hate me. I had to catch a train for an hour, and then a bus for 20 min then another for 10 and now im finally home so im gonna read it further when I get the chance.


But for now what I'd like to get out:


On Beginning:
-Very nicely set up, love the cowboy hat scene. And Steve's view on his brother at church is perfect.

First Act:
-Wow, impressed with his character development, from the church to businessman-- and it was such a Jerry Mcguire moment when things turned a rye for him. I really loved that.

Entering Act II:
-You went in a different direction than I expected. I don't see any plot here. I know this is more spiritual and the whole conflict is, whose voice should he follow, the one of love or the one god?.. or maybe both? So what are the stakes?
Also-- I'd get him to the Monastary a bit quicker (the pacing slowed dramatically when it should be picked up, so just get him there and go on with the story, let him struggle!)

In Act II:
-Your use of narrative bleeds out in the middle and becomes more like I'm watching a movie on history. So my suggestion would be to cut's Steves V.O. work, because the use of the announcer/mind reader is spread like butter which is good for the story. (also good on toast)

On page 40 :: I was beginning to lose interest.
Suggestion: For Rom/Com -- He needs to be rising with his love interest Sarah. Make things happen damnit!!
Suggestion: Character -- if this is his spiritual journey he needs to either ascend in the first part of Act II or descend. What are the stakes? Financially? Spiritually? How lost is he? Does he need a love interest right now? Should he be hurt from his last lover? It feels like he is emotionally numb, is that your intention?
On page 45-46 :: Not truly convinced on the children hospital if this is supposed to be a connecting moment.
On page 47 :: What is the purpose of this scene? Her view on men, how will this effect Steve's decisions?

Overall: First draft is a bit strict, loosen up the paragraphs and placements of direction to free up the actors. I should really give you a specific example but just look for them and ask yourself if this really needs to be written.

Anyways-- mama jabama ma brotha, this is your first draft!! Now that you have all this to work with , chew it up, move things about you know the shabam. first draft sharing is always tough, I think this has much potential, but for the comedy, spike up the laughs. Add some more flavor and twirls.
Looking forward to reading this further when I get the chance, hope this has helped.

[mtf]

thanks for your constructive imput, tous, will wait to hear what you have to say about the rest and get all your notes before forging ahead re-writing.

[mtf]

tony, it would be more helpful/constructive if you either gave it a read till the end of the first act, commenting on 10 pages is of no help.

[tous]

Reading this again.

1: Doesn't seem like Steve lost his way. Just that one little mess up turned everything around. Couldn't he just look for another job? Or did he get black-balled? Wasn't he happy making money and having a woman? Why would he not want those things? He says God is calling him, because he didn't listen to him and opted for a fun life, but he could still have fun though, so what experience crashes that livelihood? What's stopping him? Unless God is constantly messing things up for him?

2. I understand the flashback where he is a boy and shoots his BB, but how can God improve his life? What proves this? I guess the question is why does he NEED to do this, at this point in his life that won't let him go back to way things were, the breaking point. (Not just losing his job and his lover)

3: They were struggling to live off their father in the showbiz industry - Show this. Where? How does it affect him now that he's older. Should Steve be trying to support his parents? Wouldn't his mother want him to get a nice job rather than telling him he should be a priest? (She seems angry that he is choosing monastery)

Page 7
STEVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Reality, my religious faith, and
also magic. They were all living
inside my house, and inside my head
that Thanksgiving. - This sets in everything. Couldn't have said it better.

Page 39 - Steve picks up the book on buddhism- shows that he's still searching.
Page 39 - Very funny.
VISITOR
Is this line for Responding to God?
STEVE
No, it's that line over here.

Page 42: Why would Steve sleep with her? Scene shows no progression, but a funny dialogue from Diane.

Page 43: Purpose is to show he is struggling to find the right monastery. This one needs money which he will not do since its against his beliefs but, what is the real objective of this scene, he's still in the same boat he was pages ago looking for a monastery (the one before, too loud) so don't make him float, make him sink!

Page 49:
SARAH
So how did your parents react when
you told them you’re entering a
monastery?
STEVE
They’re still reacting. - hahaha

Page 50's - Steve starts to Voice Over again and it becomes too much like a history movie. Relying too much on that. For me, anyways, he's just going from one monastery to another describing them. I know it's to show that he is picky, he has a problem with it, but show it. Also later in the script he has no other V.O. So it just cuts off from here- possibly just keep his V.O. to the first Act.
GIVE HIM TASKS. What does he need to do? He's at the monastery, sitting about and giving monks looks, but what can he do to improve, that challenges him. Is there a problem to solve that will involve him to become a better spirit?
Page 55:
TRISH
That Father Anostro is a real
character alright. First he scares
the shit out of you, then he gets
in the last laugh by intentionally
letting you off late. Or you might
say, he doles out the last lesson
in patience and silence. - wish i could see this.
Page 56:
TV ANNOUNCER VOICE
And so, on this hot desert
afternoon, Steve journeys off his
path, powerless and unable to
resist the call of this mystical
southwestern siren known as Trish.
Is he being tested, and if so, does
he even care?
- doesn't make sense on his character. He should care. He grew up on the church and knows right from wrong, unlike his brother. He shouldn't get distracted so easily from some girl in a truck. Steve journeys off his path, powerless? He used to be a wealthy business man, give him his balls back!
It continues: To explain can we blame Steve, yes we can. Steve even had a woman, for whatever how long so that means he isn't such a sleep around guy, he had commitment. So if this is true and Steve should be a sleep around guy, which sounds more like Nick , then you should take out his relationship with the girl from the beginning or have her break up with him because he cheated on her, not the other way around. (She cheated on him, so the Lady says)

Page 60: Steve hides the books from Sarah so obviously he didn't want to bump into her, but he did. Seems to magical, if this is a Rom/Com Steve or Sarah need to pursue one of the other. Seems Sarah is more into him even though she's crazy busy with her book and her last guy didn't give her enough space. So I'd make it intentional for Steve to go back to her, like she can make things alright. but at the same time show that it conflicts with his spirit journey. (I don't know how since love is always good for the spirit) - HAhaha very funny scene though. Definitely a keeper!

SARAH
So where was that little boy today? - seems if he's sleeping with these women and not being honest and responsible to himself than he didn't go anywhere. Too conflicting, either he's too hard working, doesn't want these women and he's struggling to keep away from Sarah or he's too much a child and is having trouble staying on his path. Which is what it seems to be. So why would Sarah think that? Also, I remember when they first met, Steve was PLAYING with toys at the front desk, which attracted Sarah in the first place. It didn't go anywhere. I'd reverse this scene and make him awesomely delicious to the children, even when he messes up, he fixes it. This should make Sarah want him more.

Page 65! Here we go, work! This is what I've been waiting for!
Page 71 : Kill the rabbit, kill the rabbit, kill the rabbit, kill the rabbit... Hahaha.

A MONTAGE OF STEVE AND SARAH ENJOYING EACH OTHER’S COMPANY:
-- Sipping hot chocolate at a coffee place.
-- Sharing ice cream in an ice cream parlor.
-- Eating cupcakes at a bakery.
Make it lead into them becoming closer. Eating cupcakes at a bakery, his hand falls on hers. etc.

Page 73: Head Abbott explains:
And we’re enviornmentally green.
Solar panels to re-cycling, as well
our own farm food, vegetables,
goats and chickens. - why would this be important to Steve. I think you just have to state that Steve is either a vegetarian or, in his transformation he completely wants to go green. So the question is how does this criteria chime up Steve's decision on a monastery. Cause if not, it doesn't matter what they eat there.
Page 73 to 74 - It jumps too much in discussion. One minute he's about to talk abot his dream, the next it chops into them looking over land and Abbott telling him that he should look into a program instead then BACK to sarah. Sorry doesn't flow. I suggest with the direction your going that he should talk to the Abbott about Sarah, this is a rom com, by this point she should start getting in the way! This should be the second part of Act II, it should build build build!
Page 76: She asks him out. She needs him. Nice.
Page 78:
Steve:
The whole fabric of this world
abounds in violence, self-interest
and self-indulgence. How can you
believe in anything when even every
religion is fighting amongst
themselves. - show this. Not completely convinced on his convictions.
Page 79: haha Steve preaches! AWesome!
Around Page 82: Create an incident, losing interest. I thought Sarah would want to hump Steve silly. Her judgments shouldn't be based on the other girls who want to.
Page 83: Again another magical bump. Stop that. But Great awkward moment when he tries to step it up and ask her over. But I think you could push it further, really feel their wants. Their real wants.
Page 84: June again on her rant. She needs to stop talking and do something to make Steve do what she wants him to do. Either she doesn't come out of her room, or she buys him tons and tons of books. Bad examples but, push it.
Page 87: Nice rejection.
Page 90: A lightning bolt makes them call each other, really? Which path does God want him to go on?
Page 95: Steve gets the picture? (Maybe I missed this in the beginning?)
Page 98: "And something intimate passes between them"
Page 100: Too much attention on the nephews, that just show up at the end. I want Steve and Sarah, Where is the climax? This is already the last Act and things should have been bad or mistake ably good for them both and then it switches. I don't see a change.
Page 103: Sarah loves him?! You need to spring her up more, show her pining over him, getting really hurt by him during this story.
And why didn't she ask the cardinal in the beginning for him?

STEVE
I should’ve kissed her, Nick. I
should have kissed Sarah. Christ
I’m stupid! -- so this is what the title is about. I think that scene he's talking about should have happened a long time ago, because it doesn't feel like he's admitting to anything. Why should he have? Why does he need her?

Ending didn't stand out for me. Felt a bit rushed. Anyways, I enjoyed the read and please- Read my post above, I don't want to repeat anything. There are no risks, no damnation no suicide, or guilt or family issues he seems to be having besides an argument that make him choosing a monastery any difficult then choosing a flavor of icecream. You're playing his story too safely. So higher the stakes, get him hurt, have him rise and fall on every page. Sarah and Steve- Get them closer, nit them together. Best of luck, hope I've helped in any small way

[mtf]

thanks for your notes, tous, i really appreciate the critique.

[tous]

Anytime dude. It's your first draft, i was really impressed. And these characters really did come to life for me but towards the end they somehow became flat. Just being as harsh and kick the in the balls subjective as I can. And take some more opinions on this and just weed the ones you dont like out.

Looking forward to another draft!

[tonym]

nevermind

[mo]

Hi, there! First post...very exciting!

First of all: I only read up to page 33, because I should be sleeping right now. I will finish it as soon as I can.

I have to agree with tonym, that the beginning does not show where the story is going. I found it hard to get the fragments to fit together. I liked the mood of the flashbacks, but then I was kinda lost in the fancy, polished real estate world: The Hamptons, Japanese business men, limousines, stolen deal...that felt very disconnected and rushed compared to the very detailed descriptions of the youth.

Also you say it is a romantic comedy. In my opinion the meeting with the possible love-interest Sarah comes too late in the story (Page 24). I was also distracted from connecting to Sarah, because Steve basically went through a whole relationship before this incident (we meet Jodie, they have a romantic trip, they break up)

Furthermore I would suggest to add some dialogue in this scene to make it stand out more. Or you could give this 'magic moment' more room to breathe, make it special. I kinda read over it.

When they meet and talk (Page 29) you can feel they click and also get a feel for what could come. But for my understanding, in this genre this should happen a bit earlier.

Sorry again, for not reading the whole thing. But I hope this helps nonetheless.

[mtf]

Thanks, mo, i appreciate your comments. Ilook forward to when you get a chance to read the rest and comment.