I, Henchman - Feature Length Sceenplay

[henchman]

Hi everyone

My script is called I, Henchman. Here is the logline:

When a right-wing terrorist group kidnaps a group of women, a racist white henchman and a black female hostage develop an intimate relationship, unaware that the woman’s combat-skilled husband is on a mission to save his wife and kill all the terrorists.

It has been through several obsessive drafts already and I'm frankly tired of working on it (for now) and just need some feedback. Feel free to rip it apart, as well as the logline.

I am a South African writer and the story is set in contemporary South Africa, so I hope you guys don't mind a bit of a different flavour.

Thanks and enjoy.

LINK: www.mediafire.com/?jmwjmmqyyki

[echenry]

Brandon/Henchmen,

Took a quick peek at your script. Looks good! 109 pages takes a while to go through. Will try to read it tonight AFTER the U.W/West Virgina game.

Gooo Huskies!

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[henchman]

I found an alternative logline I wrote up a while back. Not sure if it's better or worse than my previous one, but might give the story a different perspective.

LOGLINE: A reluctant henchman for a terrorist group hopes his talent for creative writing will help him start a new life, only to learn that a ruthless government agent is eliminating his outfit one by one, and he is next.

[echenry]

Henchmen,

Sorry I haven't read your scipt yet. Been busy polishing a script I wrote for a Nicholl's submission, and doing doing some marketing. Thursday nights I LOVE to watch NBC's comedies.

Anyway, I'll read your script tomorrow. I haven't forgotten about you.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[henchman]

No worries E.C., I'm not impatient. All the best for the Nicholl's.

[matt35mm]

I liked this script a lot! I also love the title.

My idea of a satire is where you take a story that everyone already knows, make one really clever twist, then keep the cliches and allow that twist to generate most of the humor and commentary. Also, those cliches have to be well executed, such that a satire of an action movie has to genuinely be a great action movie in order to be a good satire.

Well, sir, this script meets my idea of a satire perfectly. Not only is it funny, but it's got some serious edge of its own. It's wonderfully written. I love the tension from the racial politics; it really adds a great layer to the story.

Okay, some specific thoughts that I had while reading:

- The opening: Your action scenes are wonderfully written. It's got a great energy and I can see it all happening. However, I think you should consider changing the name of McBain, because The Simpsons already have the exact same parody with the exact same name, leading us to think, "It's a clever name, but this writer didn't come up with it." It's kind of a parody of a parody, and I don't think the name works. 9 out of 10 people will immediately think "Simpsons" when they hear his name, and it's distracting. On a similar note, perhaps consider changing the direct reference to Die Hard in the "Yippee Kai Yea..." business--I think it would work better if you had a clever allusion to it, without directly quoting it. We'd still get that you're referencing that sort of thing from these sorts of movies.

- The rest of the set up is funny, with great images of Henchman filling a bathroom wall with words. Good stuff.

- p. 36 - great reveal about Maloi, twisting the usual expectation of the higher ups just swooping in and taking control. Having it not being about the glory and having it be personal works great, and ties us to his character immediately and deeply.

- p. 39 - I like that we learn more about Maloi through Henchman watching TV. It's a good way to get more detail on a character without awkwardly expositional dialogue, and it leads well into Henchman's vision of his destiny of being killed by the action hero.

- p. 44 - I found Thandi's smile at reading Henchman's story a bit unbelievable at this point. She can be engrossed, but smiling this soon after being kidnapped? It rubbed me the wrong way.

- p. 49 - technical note: capitalize MARSHALL, as it's a character intro.

- p. 52-3 - I wonder if Thandi can jump straight to saying, "I read your story," or something like that. I think we already know that she knows that he's not a bad man. I don't think she'd necessarily be motivated to tell Henchman that at this point, because no kidnapper wants to be told that he's obviously not a threatening guy. But she can use her knowledge that he's a good guy to get the courage to talk to him about his story. I just think it can be done a bit more artfully than, "I know you're a good guy because I saw you do some good things."

- p. 55 - Maybe scratch this V.O. We heard it not 30 seconds ago; we know it's in his mind and it might just sound silly to hear the line twice within 30 seconds. A recall works better if a more significant amount of time has passed.

- p. 86-7. This is great stuff, but I'm wondering if this can somehow be Neels that we see talking on the phone, just because it might be more satisfying and funny if it's someone we sort of know. I kinda know why you structured it like this, and I can't think of something better off the top of my head. It's fine the way it is, though. It was just a thought.

- p. 89 - the Coke bottle thing--clever! I like that the fight scenes are varied like this. If it was all just punching and shooting/stabbing, it'd get tiresome, so good job here.

- p. 92-3 - this was hilarious. Good save!

- p. 96 - when Maloi sneaks up behind Kidnapper #6, I thought it was really funny because it was so cartoony. Then I wondered if it was meant to be read that way. I laughed because Maloi must've been right by the Kidnapper's feet the whole time, which kinda works with a cartoony logic.

- p. 97 RE: BANG! BANG! BANG!, then seeing who really got shot. This is the second time you've done this trick in the script, which is a cliche trick to begin with. I think it would work once, maybe more here than with the first one. Two is too much.

- First fight between Maloi and Henchman - Thandi needs a better reason not to stop this fight. She needs to be less passive in this whole last part, and I'll get back to that later, because she has been established as a strong woman and women who take action are more interesting than passive women. She doesn't want this fight to happen; she should do something about it, at least by shouting and trying (but failing) to explain that Henchman is not a bad guy.

- The twist with Maloi's character is a good one. It's funny to me that he starts monologuing like a bad guy, because I'm taking it as a commentary/satire of the classic bad-guy monologuing.

- What about the other hostages during this whole scene? I was under the impression that there were several hostages bound and tied to the floor. Wouldn't they hear all this monologuing? How are they reacting to all this stuff? I think including a few lines describing their reaction and maybe even incorporating not wanting to hurt them into the next fight would be more interesting than having them fade into the background.

- p. 107 - technical note: misspelled "choking" twice. Also, this fight needs to be tightened up, writing-wise, but I understand that this isn't a final draft. It's just that your other fight scenes are better written, tighter and tenser and more creative. If anything, this has to be the GREATEST fight.

- Again, I'd like to see Thandi help more in this fight. I don't think she should be as out of it as she is; she should be able to recover enough to help out somehow--perhaps by handing Henchman the knife, or killing Maloi herself. It's too typical "passive woman." She's also no longer torn at this point regarding whose side she's on. It's a stronger choice to have her actively take part in the killing of Maloi, as it's a fuller character arc for her. For Henchman, it's just fighting to survive, because who's Maloi to him, other than the "action hero" that is supposed to kill him? Having this destiny be subverted by the woman is more interesting.

- The last lines could be better.

So, I don't really have any major criticisms or radical suggestions, because it feels quite developed to me and I love the idea and think it's solidly executed.

ALL RIGHT, well those are enough notes, eh? Great job, loved it. Totally got sucked in. This'd make a great movie.

[Deleted]

Still reading my way through this one. Can someone lend me a few hours a day? Thanks.

[echenry]

Brandon Carstens/henchmen,

Sorry for the delay with the notes. Did finish reading your script last night. Had a much different reaction to it than matt35mm.


What I liked:

1. The high concept idea of going into a radical faction in South Africa bent on re-establishing a form of Apartheid in South Africa.

2. Moloi, a black hero going after his wife. Ends with an unforeseen twist -- he wants segregation too!

3. The idea of a budding white/black romance against a outer struggle of the races.

4. Kriel has a familiar feel to him, as a bad guy. And I mean that in a good way. Kriel is the role a younger Pete Postlewaite(Kobayshi in "The Usual Suspects": 1995, Roland Tembo in "The Lost World: Jurassic Park": 1997, David in "Aliens3" 1992) could have played.


What I didn't like:

1. Henchmen the writer. Writing in a bathroom stall IS NOT interesting. To be honest every time this story goes into Henchmen writing and Thandi being interested in that I rolled my eyes.
Now I know that's close to the core of this story, but for me it didn't work, AND I don't think filming the writer part of this story is interesting in the least, and will bore a mass audience.
On page 76 when a currently kidnapped Thandi asks Henchmen to pull his mask down, and he obliged, I wrote down in my notes, "loss of credibility."

2. The opening dream sequence pays homage to "Die Hard." You need to be original here, and you're not! I didn't like it at all. Yes, it got easier to stomach later in the story when you tie back to it, but I still didn't like it.

3. Kidnapping in a theater too ho-hum.

4. Underdeveloped political sides: kidnappers and South African counter-force. Kidnappers make a brazen kidnapping. What are they trying to achieve? They seem to be following Kriel blindly. What does he want? In my opinion you really needed to go deeper into this radical group. Deeper into the government too.

5. Post-kidnapping the action from the kidnappers side really drags. All you have going is Henchman's/Thandi's budding romance... You need more balls in the air.

6. Kriel dies WAY to early. He's your main bad guy. YES to a struggle with Moioi, no to dieing on page 79!


On the page suggestions:

1. Post-opening dream sequence on page 5, I would state on your slug line that this story is taking place in South Africa.

2. Page 13, you need to format MOMENTS LATER as a shot head, and not embed that in a line of description.

3. Page 18, you need to re-introduce 10-YEAR-OLD HENCHMEN in all caps because a different actor will have to play him there.

4. Plot logic clarification needed on page 18. Was it two white assailants who shot up Henchman's parents or two black assailants which shot up Henchman's parents? Right now your ambiguous. In a racially charged script I think you need to call that out.

5. Page 18, mis-formatted sound affect. In script, "... as machine-gun FIRE riddles his mother and father, blood spraying." E.C. suggests, "... as MACHINE GUN BULLETS RIDDLE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER, a blood-bath ensues."

6. Page 22, unnecessary capitalization of the word "INVITATION CARD." What it looks you're trying to do is draw attention to this, which would be better done by suggesting an insert shot on a separate line of description, with some additional information about this card, which Thandi will then see in the next scene. Thus establishing: readers superior position.

7. Page 40, invalid shot heading call-out: FLASHCUTS. I'd rock with something like:

HENCHMEN REMEMBERS - INT. SKYSCRAPER - SERIES OF SHOTS

Office. McBain chases Henchmen.

Elevator. McBain points a machine gun in Henchman's face -- only now Henchmen see Moioi's face in place of McBain's face!

BACK TO PRESENT

5. Page 40. Failure to re-establish the present after a memory sequence. Whoops!

6. Page 49. Marshall in description needs to be capitalized, because he's got a speaking part.

7. Page 71, you have a shot heading call-out for a cell phone screen, but then fail to re-establish the main room as action takes place.


Sorry I can't paint a rosier picture for you, Brandon Carstens. I like your higher concept. I think taking an insider's perspective of the racial struggles in South Africa is your magic point. But ultimately I think you need to approach this from a different protagonist's angle; I didn't buy Henchmen as a writer -- at all!

I don't know how familiar you are with these, but after reading this script I was reminded of the following movies: "American History X" (1998: Edward Norton, Edward Furlong), "A Time to Kill" (1996: Matthew McConaghey, Sandra Bulluck, and Kurtwood Smith as "Stamp Sisson" the KKK recruiter), and "The Crying Game" (1992, Stephen Rea, Forest Whitaker). If you haven't already watched them, I highly suggest you do.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[matt35mm]

Oh, I forgot another point I wanted to make:

During Henchman's flashback to the murder of his parents, why does Kriel just happen to be there? I really thought you'd be going somewhere with this... something along the lines of Kriel recruiting loyal henchmen from childhood by slaughtering their civil-rights-activist parents, though I don't know how you would explain having black people doing the killing, unless we never see who does the shooting and Kriel just tells Henchman that it was done by black people.

It doesn't have to be that, but as it is now, it seems odd for Kriel to happen to be there. Maybe I just need some better context.

[henchman]

matt35mm:

Thank you so much for taking time out to read my script and for your great comments. I appreciate that you were so in tune to what I was trying to communicate in the story and that you got most of the ideas and themes I was exploring in this piece.

I think if I wasn't doing a proper job in visually communicating those ideas you wouldn't have touched on them the way you did, so that is great encouragement to me.

*SPOILERS*
But when I read your suggestion about having Thandi be the one to kill her own husband or in some way participate in his demise, I actually kicked myself saying 'why the flippin' hell didn't I think of that'

However, what concerns me about that suggestion is that there is this expectation that the protagonist should be the one to kill the villain. But I'm hoping that an idea like that would actually gain approval because it's such a good idea for the story. As you said it's a fuller arc for her character. So thanks for bringing that up.

Also, your suggestions for improvements are invaluable to me and I will definitely be taking many of them into consideration.


@ E.C. Henry:

To really get on board this story you have to buy into the notion that Henchman develops a talent for writing, because as you said that is the “core of this story”. That is the departure point, and if you don’t buy into that from the get-go, then this story has essentially stalled for you. Whatever happens after that will then always be “tainted” for you and it just won’t ever flow for you.

To clarify this, I’ll refer to some issues you mentioned:

4. Plot logic clarification needed on page 18. Was it two white assailants who shot up Henchman's parents or two black assailants which shot up Henchman's parents? Right now your ambiguous. In a racially charged script I think you need to call that out.

After checking page 18 again I saw that the attackers were referenced as black. You might want to check it again just to be sure.

Underdeveloped political sides: kidnappers and South African counter-force. Kidnappers make a brazen kidnapping. What are they trying to achieve? They seem to be following Kriel blindly. What does he want?

Again, in the dialogue where Kriel chats to Henchman in his office, he clearly states what his motivation is:

KRIEL
We've always been a nation where
whites have been at loggerheads
with blacks. From the Dutch,
through the Boer War and Apartheid,
to this very day. Our country was
born out of a need, a desire for
separation. That's what we're
fighting for. Our very own nation,
free to determine our own destiny.

And before that with the scene in the canteen, the kidnapper Neels has this to say:

NEELS
Yes! Man, I tell you guys, I can
taste it. Just us, by ourselves -
our own nation, culture, people.
White people.

This is accompanied by cheering from the friends he was sitting with, so the kidnappers are definitely clued in as to what they are fighting for and are not following Kriel blindly. They exhibit the typical characteristics of fanatics, radical followers led by a radical leader such as Kriel.

You also mention that you didn’t buy Henchman as a writer but you don’t say why, and I’m curious to know why you think he cannot be a writer. Was it:

1) Because he initially comes across as a brutish tough guy who you cannot envision transforming into a writer?

2) Or was it that his “talent” or “story'' came upon him too quickly and out of the blue.

If it is the first point, then I don’t think it’s wise to pigeonhole anybody into only doing what you think they should be doing. People have a way of surprising you, and henchman may have been burying this ability for storytelling (his authentic self) for so long in his subconscious that it just came bursting out one day, which is why the revelation was unexpected even to himself. He was so brainwashed into being a henchman and hating black people that he neglected his true self. His fondness for movies may also been the "spark" for his outpouring of creativity.

On the second point, there are people who have previously not written a single word and suddenly have an epiphany where stories and characters just descend upon them unexpectedly without any wilful participation on their part.

This is actually based on my own experience where I was just lying in bed one day and my mind became filled with these stories and ideas, and up to that day I would never in a million years have considered myself a writer of any kind.

Author of the Twilight books Stephanie Meyer had a similar experience where the inspiration for the first book came to her literally overnight in a dream with the main characters and plot almost fully-formed. Before that she had not written a single thing, not even as much as her thoughts in a journal.

That’s why E.C. I’m unable to take most of your criticism into consideration as we disagree on an issue that’s too fundamental to the story to change. When all is said and done and the dust clears, all I am left with is the story I wrote and the choices I need to make to shape it into the best script it can be, and even though I read everyone’s opinion with keen interest and am willing to make whatever changes necessary, I ultimately believe that this story is great and worth telling without deviating too much from the core scenarios I’ve set up.

I do, however, greatly appreciate the technical errors that you have picked up and will most definitely be taking those suggestions on board.

But I am eternally grateful to you sir that you took the time to read my script and be so articulate with your problems and suggestions. Thank you very, very much.

Brandon

[henchman]

matt35mm

Oh, I forgot another point I wanted to make:

During Henchman's flashback to the murder of his parents, why does Kriel just happen to be there? I really thought you'd be going somewhere with this... something along the lines of Kriel recruiting loyal henchmen from childhood by slaughtering their civil-rights-activist parents, though I don't know how you would explain having black people doing the killing, unless we never see who does the shooting and Kriel just tells Henchman that it was done by black people.

It doesn't have to be that, but as it is now, it seems odd for Kriel to happen to be there. Maybe I just need some better context.

What I was trying to bring across there was that Kriel wasn't actually there literally. I'm assuming (maybe wrongly, I don't know) that a dream/flashback scene could possibly give me that kind of creative license.

That scene was in a way a short-hand "representation" of Kriel being there for Henchman, if you catch my meaning. In reality, Kriel may have gone about recruiting Henchman quite differently which may have resulted in a longer and more complex scene, but to give a brief suggestion of that recruitment, I came up with that scene. So it didn't actually happen that way. It's just a visual cue.

[matt35mm]

SPOILERS

Mar 28, 2010 20:18:23 GMT -5 henchman said:

But when I read your suggestion about having Thandi be the one to kill her own husband or in some way participate in his demise, I actually kicked myself saying 'why the flippin' hell didn't I think of that'

However, what concerns me about that suggestion is that there is this expectation that the protagonist should be the one to kill the villain. But I'm hoping that an idea like that would actually gain approval because it's such a good idea for the story. As you said it's a fuller arc for her character. So thanks for bringing that up.

Here, I think with the fact that people would be expecting Henchman to kill the villain, you have the element of surprise working in your favor--and it's not a random element of surprise; it comes from character and situation! I think people would cheer, because Thandi deserves, by this point, to earn this moment. She's been through so much.

It's never a bad thing to have two people need to team up to overcome someone or something. It strengthens the connection between the two.

It also makes sense to me that it would be Maloi's tragic flaw that he would never consider his wife/a woman a factor in what he assumes is a fight just between the men.

Mar 28, 2010 20:37:32 GMT -5 henchman said:

matt35mm

Oh, I forgot another point I wanted to make:

During Henchman's flashback to the murder of his parents, why does Kriel just happen to be there? I really thought you'd be going somewhere with this... something along the lines of Kriel recruiting loyal henchmen from childhood by slaughtering their civil-rights-activist parents, though I don't know how you would explain having black people doing the killing, unless we never see who does the shooting and Kriel just tells Henchman that it was done by black people.

It doesn't have to be that, but as it is now, it seems odd for Kriel to happen to be there. Maybe I just need some better context.

What I was trying to bring across there was that Kriel wasn't actually there literally. I'm assuming (maybe wrongly, I don't know) that a dream/flashback scene could possibly give me that kind of creative license.

That scene was in a way a short-hand "representation" of Kriel being there for Henchman, if you catch my meaning. In reality, Kriel may have gone about recruiting Henchman quite differently which may have resulted in a longer and more complex scene, but to give a brief suggestion of that recruitment, I came up with that scene. So it didn't actually happen that way. It's just a visual cue.

I thought it might be something like this, but I still think that it will be potentially confusing for many of the people who watch/read it. I appreciate the notion of a shorthand but I would encourage another stab at how to do it for this scene. I think you could find a more creative solution.

[Deleted]

Still reading this.

I hate work right about now. Would prefer to read something in one shot, not 3-5 pages a day.

[violet]

I've just downloaded and I'm starting to read!

[glengarry]

Hench-

Just tried to download this but the link is no longer active. Can you repost for a read?