"Working Girls" One-Page Screenplay

[lizzo1014]

Another one-page screenplay for your review.

Attachments:

[echenry]

Lizzo1014,

Read your most recent offering. Didn't like it as much as the other one page story you submitted.

The Good. Good job telling a story in one page. Beginning: a girl waits in a bar for something to happen. Middle: something does happen; she witnesses a brunette getting groped. End: girl makes a shocking revelation; the girl getting groped was a valedictorian from Yale. Also your shot heading was good.

The Bad. Use of vague/uncommon terms. What is a Brooks brothers type? Gamine means either a girl who roams about the streets, or a girl with impish appeal (I had to look that up, which is a bad thing for you, the author). Don't start a paragraph of description with a pronoun. Start with proper names, THEN use pronouns sparingly. Also you need you learn how to move around in a master scene, lizzo1014.

E.C. re-written paragraph of description:

The bartender motions with his chin. Nelly follows that cue OVER to -

- the far corner. There a silver-haired STYLISH OLDER MAN gropes a much younger, provocatively dressed BRUNETTE.

Nelly. Starts to turn away... but then stays on the brunette. Lower jaw drops; Nelly knows this girl!


Anyway. Hope this helps, Lizzo1014. Hope you're having a great weekend!

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[lizzo1014]

E.C.

Brooks Brothers is a famous clothing store that is synonymous with suits worn by business men. Gamine is a word often associated with Audrey Hepburn and the like. I have to remember that both are not as well-known as I thought.

As for master scenes, in my quest to make it one page, I've combined too many actions. Will do better next time.

Thanks again for your reply.

[outofcontext]

I admire the attempt at a one page screenplay. I agree that you have combined too many actions. The key to success here is to cut down on dependent clauses unless the are critically telling. For instance, it's not important to me that the martini has an olive on a toothpick.

Also you can probably cut "She does not relinquish her stare until the woman disappears."

And, while it's frowned on to use action in parentheticals as you do when she sips her martini, you could probably indicate how stunned she is with a parenthetical such as 'hushed' or 'incredulous' and cut the last action line before her last line. Keep it up, compression will help with your discipline as you extend your work.

Oh and I have no problem with Brooks Bros. or gamin(e)--you need that kind of short-hand to pull off a one-pager.

John

[lizzo1014]

outofcontext: thanks for your reply.

Attached is a revised version.

Lizzo

Attachments:

[jonnyhopper]

I enjoyed it - it's punchy and gets the message across. However, I wonder if you could improve the last line?

"Lucy Asner. Valedictorian. Yale." is a very detached expression of her shock and surprise. The problem is until that line we have no idea that Nelly went to Yale (if she even did), so it doesn't really matter.

Could you personalise it more? e.g. "Lucy Asner. She was Valedictorian in my year. We took English Lit together." Or something - you know, anything to bring it home and force it into relevance.

[glengarry]

Lizzo-

Pretty cool. I read both versions. You whittled things down well from one version to the next. It needed it. Well written that first one, perhaps too well... Make it colorful but brisk. Two things I would add to the comments would be:

1. Nelly's intro. Maybe it's just personal taste but I usually prefer to begin with the character description before I describe their action that defines them more completely. Were it me, i would flip the freckled face before the slouching... feel like it would focus us on her more completely. (minor issue but I thought worth mentioning)

2. I would love to see this! I love the end. Nice quip that could say so much. Feels like and sounds like the kind of thing a single professional woman would say after a shitty day, nursing a scotch in trashy lounge. ALONE. Had a Sex In The City tone to it that I thought was cool.

Shoot or have someone shoot it just so I can see that last line! Thanks for the read.

[foxdraw]

Well done! I really enjoyed this. Nelly thinks she has it bad then she sees Lucy and uh, can we say 'wake up call?' Hard to do in a one-pager, I imagine.

I definitely think the revised version is much cleaner and crisper. Keeping the description to 2-3 lines just flows better.

I think the last line doesn't have as much of a 'bite' as it could. It's a bit distant and impersonal and seems slightly forced actually. On thinking of how I would react to that scenario, I would probably say something like 'That's Lucy Asner. She was our class valedictorian at Yale.'

Other than that, nice one!

[lizzo1014]

jonnyhopper and foxdraw: will definitely work on the last line. I wanted something similar to the last line of dialogue featured on "Law and Order" before they cut to the opening titles. Something succinct and straight to the point.

glengarry: Flipping the descriptions make sense. Thanks for the advice!