Michael James Benefiel (MJB),
Thanks for posting some of your work. You SHOULD modify your post and take out one the links as they both go to the same script, with the same page count.
Reading your first couple paragraphs I thought I was in for a very rough read
, but to my delight, I think your writing got a little better after the first couple pages
.
What I liked:1. Interesting combination of having a recruiter for the Gay Rights movement be the catalyst for a budding teenage romance of two lonely souls.
2. Multiple levels of conflict:
* Teenage romance in the midst of a social cause
* A father and son's tempestuous relationship
* A father succumbs to alcohol amidst grieving for his deceased wife
* Ms. Hogan's struggle to hide her sexual preference from the public
* Shirley's issues with her father and the faith
* Pastor Todd struggle to save face
3. Nice wild card possibilities with Ms. Hogan. A lesbian, who's not above trying to use her heterosexual appeal to advance her cause. Reminded me of Nicole Kidman in "
To Die For" (1995).
What needs work:1. Slow developing story. Not enough plot points. This is a very dialog heavy script, and not enough of the dialog was interesting. Dig deeper and use more subtext.
2. Too short. This is 48 pages. Typically a feature length script is 95 - 120 pages.
3. Too much present progressive verb tense in lines of description: "is staring," is spinning," "is eying." Use present tense verbs instead: stares, spins, eyes.
4. Darren stands up in the middle of a Gay Rights speech and hurls two cans of beer at the speaker is unbelievable. With the first shot hitting Ms. Hanson on the nose.
5. Ending montage is unsatisfying. And it's poorly formatted. Montage description not suitable for filming.
You can't film: "... the board tells her to resign because she kissed a student. They tell her to never speak with Daniel again or they will pursue legal action. Ms. Hogan gracefully accepts her fate." Go with short scenes WITH dialog to convey what you wrote: show don't tell.
6. Shot heading's time of day field needs to be separated with a dash.
In script: "INT. BEDROOM EVENING"
Should be: "INT. BEDROOM - EVENING"
7. Pastor Todd character reminded me of the pastor from FOX's "The Simpsons." Didn't seem believable unto himself. Felt contrived.
8. Off screen sound affects need to be capitalized.
9. Sometime descriptions seemed to ramble a little too long with inconsequential details: "standard sized bed," "untitled book." This would be better, "Daniel lays on his bed. Reads a paperback book."
10. Darren is too much of a one note character. All he did was drink all day. If you continue with this story, try to flesh him out a little better. Maybe show him when he's not drunk doing something.
Michael (MJB) writing something worthwhile is hard work. One thing you showed in the script is that you've got an eye for multi-leveled, structured conflict. Moving forward I would spend some extra time reading up on screenwriting formating conventions.
- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA
, but to my delight, I think your writing got a little better after the first couple pages 
.