Connection- 3 Minute Short

[violet]

Next short in the series-

Connection
Genre: Romantic Drama
Log/Tagline: Taking your clothes off isn't the only way to be intimate.

Love to know what your thoughts are!
Also... you think these little snippets are worth producing? Or should I just leave them be as writing exercises?

Attachments:

[tous]

Violet, I think you should follow your heart on this. If you want to see it be made, you make it. The only thing you can hope for is that someone else feels the same way for it visually. Other than that, I really enjoy reading your material-- and working with edit cuts, I think this would work out to be a nice little snippet on film or one long strand of a whole.

The good double stuffed oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:

Summer blooms in the green leaves of the trees, in the spaghetti straps of women’s dresses.
- Made me a little hesitant in the read. The comma in this situation is missing a conjunction, or your using it as an introductory element which doesn't work because it has no relation to the green leaves. Needs to make sense.

Of course all this stuff isn't very important, so let me say your story works. I'm in the mind of the woman, even if the guy's conversation isn't that interesting. You're lack of hints or clues- that she isn't her- really pushes the ending to the extreme. Very nice.

Introducing:
MUSICAN -typo, needs the I.

The Young Woman’s eye traces his face. He looks down. He takes a sip of water. Their eyes meet.
- very broken up. Make this flow.
Also:
-As I've read it, this is all from the woman's perspective because she is tracing his face throughout the connection of these actions, so unless you want us to see what he's eating you need to put it on a new paragraph-sentence.
- "He takes a sip of water. Their eyes meet" - Clarfiy. The action of taking a sip makes his eyes meet hers, if so link it, or if its intentional (like the male gaze that gleams up from his sip?)

Suggestions:

A couple of intertwined, nearly naked bodies fall backward
onto the bed. The woman’s hair is long and dark.
- is it one couple? Or a couple of intertwined nearly naked bodies?
-A couple, nearly naked, fall backwards onto the bed.
-Two nearly naked intertwined bodies fall backwards onto the bed.

There’s a tiny piece of egg on the corner of her mouth. He
smiles, he mimics wiping something from his mouth, and she
immediately brushes the egg off, wincing in embarrassment.
-He smiles, mimics wiping something from his mouth, and immediately, she winces in embarrassment and brushes off the egg.

The woman lies on the chest of the Musician, facing him. We
can’t see her face. She traces something on his tattooed
chest with a single finger. He stares at the ceiling.
-Don't need the first half cause if you start it with "She traces his tattooed chest with her finger." The reader will automatically know she has to be facing him.

You know, you're always so unexpected. You jar the reader with these images (or illusions, now that I see it) that he/she must follow and than you flip it- and I love that. Great job. And of course everything that I've said is just in fixing mumbo jumbos is in courtesy of writing and if your gonna make this, than it's more of a guideline anyways.