Love Alters

[Love Alters]

This is my latest draft (something like 14th) of ‘Love Alters’.

"Jake has been given 24 hours before his wife will be abducted by a mysterious stranger who claims to be a link to her past that even she isn’t aware of."

I know the logline isn't the best, hopefully this site can help me fix that.

This is something my production company is trying to put together so we can film it by the end of the year.

Re: formatting – not too concerned about it. I know what ‘isn’t standard’ and all, but considering the standard seems to change and shift all the time, it’s hard to sometimes gauge that. I can say that everything in this script that I’ve questioned, I have checked in other scripts and have seen it done. Also, this will (hopefully) be shot by us, so it is written with that in mind.

I’m more concerned with how it reads and what is confusing and what isn’t. What works and what falls flat.

Been working on this thing for about three years now and have really tried to cut out the fat and keep the meat…now I’m hungry for some steak…

Please enjoy (hopefully)

www.mediafire.com/file/jtnmmn3zhz2

[echomusic]

Apparently I was logged out when I posted above.
It's friday...but it feels like Monday.

Anyway, this is my script.

[Jeff Messerman]

About halfway through... should be done tonight.

One word: Impressive!

There'll be more words before the night is out, I assure you.

Jeff

[outofcontext]

Nice read. Entertaining. I'd like to give it a second look before I comment in any detail. But, taking into consideration your litigious nature, I want to make it clear that I am in no way making a legally binding commitment to review your work.
I will say this, you hit the ground running which I appreciate in a thriller.

[echomusic]

By claiming that I have a litigious nature, I have to now call my lawyer and see what grounds we have to sue you.


Thank you for reading it and thank you for your comments so far.

[Don777]

I'm reading the script now and it is off to a great start! Good stuff, bro!

[oz]

Hi Echo

Quite a script you have here. Really enjoyed it.

What I liked:
-Great characters/true dialogue for all, quirks, style, individuality. Great job.
-Terrific pacing. Really. Very nicely done.
-Love the transformation of Jake. Unexpected yet completely accepted. And then when he becomes so violent--I still didn't see it coming!! Wonderful.

What I didn't like:

- I couldn't put the DAMN THING DOWN! Tried. Really tried. Shut it down at pg 50 around 11pm but was up at 5AM TO READ AGAIN! No regrets. It was worth the ride even when the ending made me smile like an evil kitten.

Very well done. Enjoyed it from start to finish. Apparently I'm not skilled enough to point out where the work needs to be done because I found it to be ready and I'd pay to see it.

Thanks for a great read. : )

[oz]

It's me again----Realized I had a type in my post.

I was UP AGAIN AT 2AM-----NOT 5----2!!!

Seriously. Great read. Thanks, again.

[oz]

okay, TYPO IN MY POST


This is what happens when you get no sleep reading great scripts and don't go back to bed! : )

[echomusic]

Oz

I honestly don’t know what to say. Well, ‘Thank you’ comes to mind.
Thank you for your very, very kind words and thank you for even taking any time to read the damn thing. It truly means a lot.
Checking the download count I know people have the script in their possession, which in turn has me pacing around nervously like a politician awaiting election returns.
Thank you again.

And no worries on the typos...I do it all the time.
Sorry about making you lose some sleep, though.

[bscenefilms]

p.45:

He stares at Jake, still glaring at the taillights in the
distance, once away getting away from him.

Is that correct?

p.48:

LIAM
Possibly. Yes, I did say that.
(points to Jake’s glasses)
Like the glasses. For reading?
JAKE
Distances. How’d you find me?

Do you think Jake would bother to say Distances here? I just had the feeling that all he would say was "How’d you find me?"...

Stunning script. Bravo sir, bravo! Makes me reluctant to post any of my own

[echomusic]

Jan 28, 2010 13:40:16 GMT -5 bscenefilms said:

p.45:

He stares at Jake, still glaring at the taillights in the
distance, once away getting away from him.

Is that correct?

p.48:

LIAM
Possibly. Yes, I did say that.
(points to Jake’s glasses)
Like the glasses. For reading?
JAKE
Distances. How’d you find me?

Do you think Jake would bother to say Distances here? I just had the feeling that all he would say was "How’d you find me?"...

Stunning script. Bravo sir, bravo! Makes me reluctant to post any of my own

pg 45 (I think its 43) - that is correct -- probably could be worded better

Basically referring to the last time Liam and Spiers got in a car and drove away.

-------------------------------------------------

The distances comment plays in to the odd relationship Jake and Liam have -- the back and forth that is eventually revealed at the end. Also, I hear it almost as one sentence -- he answers the question and then is on to the next point. "I'll play your game -- Distances, NOW...how'd you find me." kind of thing.


Thank you for reading it and please, please...post your stuff!
Or else...

[Don777]

Dude,

Totally diggin' this script. Jake's transformation is completely convincing to me. Jury Duty today, but I expect to finish reading this tonight. I know it's good because I HAVE to know what happened.

I particularly liked this dialogue from Natalie at the bottom of page 68:

Natalie
I read the other day, I do way too much reading, that one of the reasons
that people have deja vu is that it's a link to our past lives. To things we've done
and may want to change in our present life, you believe that? Living different lives.
Over and over again.


Interesting concept.... LOL!

[Jeff Messerman]

To cease the flow of non-stop letters from your legal team, Gould, I'm finally going to give you my thoughts on your damn script! ;D

You have something very special here, sir. I think I can probably speak for most of us here on this board when I moan a collective "Shit, I wish I'D written that!" It's an elevated level of greatness.

I will say that, while I always wished I could write something of this ilk, it's nothing I've ever tried. I come from a comedy slant and have done quirky little character pieces for the bulk of my "career."

I could shove my nitpicks your way but at this juncture, what's the point? It's all very small stuff, nothing that perhaps another draft or two couldn't cure.

Example: I think it may be a tad overly verbose, dialogue-wise. The exchange between Sullivan and Jake on pages 69-70 is a prime example. It sorta' feels like telegraphed conflict, conflict there just to propel us to the next plot point and it doesn't feel natural. Sullivan is too wordy and Jake is too droning. Perhaps clean that up a bit, tighten it up. This happens a few times in the piece. Now, again, this is piddly, nit-picky nothingness I'm stating. You have a complex (on the surface, it seems complex, when in fact, it's really not... which I simply LOVE LOVE LOVE) tale to weave and you are certainly forgiven if your players are merely playing the part of pawn, knight, and rook, if you get my drift.

All my favorite movies are sampled here... I smell some VERTIGO, a dash of 12 MONKEYS, a pinch or two of the BOURNE stuff... and yet LOVE ALTERS remains HUGELY original. No small feat!

I think you have on your hands a GREAT DRAFT. I think if you do one more pass (I know, I know, 3 years, 15 drafts...) you could have a MINI-CLASSIC on your hands. A bit more tightening, really.

I can't thank you enough for sharing this. It was a real pleasure to read. And for gawd's sake, you'd best keep us all abreast of the situation as you plunge this thing towards production. I think you already have some fans here on the board!

Regards,
Jeff

[Jeff Messerman]

Oh and furthermore, I got a whiff of ETERNAL SUNSHINE here as well PLUS you referenced a song by THE SUNDAYS.

Uh, yeah, I'm a fan. You're pushin' all the right buttons for my tastes!

Jeff