Poker'd (Working Title)

[anonymous1234]

www.sendspace.com/file/fgmnbg

This is a comedy I wrote a little while back.

Logline: After being cheated out of their barbershop in a poker game, six friends set out to rig a Las Vegas poker tournament so that the cheater will lose.

Please comment.

Thank you so much for your time and effort.

[songswithoutwords]

Hey 1234, I've downloaded, am now printing, and will feed back latest next weekend. Thanks for posting.

- Andrew

[songswithoutwords]

Just read the first page as it came off the printer. Excellent first page. I don't have time to read it all now. Damn.

Just read page 2. Loved page 2. Gawd I hope it continues like this.

Ok, till next week. Or sooner, if it keeps up like this.

- Andrew

[tous]

Anonymous1234 - I read your other 45 page script Savior a while ago and .. I must say this is completely different.

First off: I don't know whether this script is for-rizzout, or it's just something you did in your sleep. Either way, I'd be pretty impressed because it's insanely funny.

Warning: I'm going to treat this script with as much respect as I possibly can before I lose all my interest and douse my brain in gasoline.

The double stuffed oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:

Capitalize names in the beginning as they are all being introduced.

Ben is in his mid 30’s. He’s slightly handsome for his age.
-should be in the same sentence-paragraph, as such. Not spaced because we are seeing it at the same time. (You can easily bring this down to 90 pages)

Love the use of pausing and then Ben's take and perception of them. I actually thought that it would be funny if Ben didn't introduce himself first, but last. That way it makes it a little more engaging and interactive. We won't even expect him to do a perception of himself and when he does, he's practically naming his faults.

BEN
I bet twenty.

Ben puts twenty forward.
-Don't need the repetition.

The scene where he gambles away the barbershop:
I think there needs to be more tension - doesn't feel real at all. Why would he gamble something away when it's the only thing going for him, and it's something he's trying to improve? I thought they needed this dude for the kid, not for his money.
When he loses:
Why does Ben give in so easily? There's no contract, no nothing- just word of mouth. I think if Ben is sleezy enough to scam people to have a handicap kid in the shop to make him more money, he's sleezy enough to at least say no to the bet, or justify -- that because they were cheated he is no longer obligated to pay up. So there needs to be conflict in this scene- some hope he can get out. And when he can't then he and his friends can jump to a possible conclusion.

(I saw Hot Tub Time Machine recently, and one of the main character's made a bet that he was sure to win, when he didn't he had to do something terrible but when he neglected to do so, the other dude showed him his gun. A bet's a bet.)

After getting to page 30 - I realize that the scene I made a suggestion about above -NOW possibly works- if this is the tone and style of comedy your using. So this is making it EXTREMELY difficult for me to make room for improvements as this folly of back and forth events just makes so much sense in this world that you have created. So! If this is supposed to be a bit more serious, I'd say that I'm on page 30 and right now I feel this is a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be this way, but I'm assuming that its a mock-up of any poker- cheating, get your barbershop back movie.

I'm sorry, but NONE of these characters belong in a barbershop. (which you get away with since this is such a unique comedy) And Sid? What the hell is he?


Funny moments of dialogue (some of many):

CHARLES
Oh, sorry. I thought it was one big
group.


CHARLES
Hey ladies. I’m Vince, the cool
guy. I like to skateboard and
dance.

A beat.

CHARLES (CON’T.)
...and date rape.

BEN
I think you were born to play this
role. Next.


BEN
Well guys, welcome to Las Vegas.
Let’s get to our hotel suite.

-at this point im hurling up a lung laughing. HOW EASY IS THIS?

SCHWARZENEGGER IMPERSONATOR
It’s not a tumor.
- my laugh is changing to a squeak!

CHARLES and THE GUARD
- I am dieing!

"Okay lets do that tomorrow"
- WHAT? Like stealing cards and marking them is so simple. Hilarious.

By page 50 with the announcers joking through page 55 I lost interest because it just goes way off tangent - it just became a farce. and when that happens it feels like you don't really care what happens so why should I?
This happens again on page 64.

AUSTIN
Stop raping me with your words.

CHRIS
Why would a poker player take
steroids?
- my thoughts exactly.


Other Suggestions:

I would suggest you read the script ROUNDERS during the poker games. So we don't have to see all the characters say "call"- and see how he handles gambling.

You should read the GITS post on the movie MIRACLE. There was a quote saying, if all a sports movie is, is leading up to that last game? Than it won't be much of anything, there has to be something more (I'm paraphrasing very widely here)--but that's whats happening with this script.

Anyways, I apologize if I haven't treated this write-up with as much rigor and organization as you hoped, but these are my thoughts. I actually really enjoyed the script. I think it has a very stylized comedy too it and could honestly work if it's approached a little more serious in certain aspects. But all in all I would watch this movie. I would, just to see it all happen.

I'd like it if you were to comment so that I can better access what it is I've just read and I'd happily go through it again if any of my suggestions have helped you- and hope that this really isn't just a farce. All the best!

[anonymous1234]

First off, thank you both VERY MUCH for actually looking through my work. It really means a lot to me.

tous:This is supposed to be an extremely silly comedy (similar to There's Something About Mary with all the songs in the middle). I would like it to be somewhat realistic, but I am going for the silly, quirky comedy.

Hope that helps,

[songswithoutwords]

Hi 1234 / Etai,

I just finished reading. I want to post my thoughts as they are, and so I am not reading tous' feedback first. There may be some repetition. If so, I apologise. And if so, then those items are probably quite important as we came to them independently. :-)

Also sorry about the rough format and any typos, I really have only a few minutes to post and then have to run!

What I loved:

- Reading it. Humour was excellent. Many of the scenes you set up were great, such as the seduction scene and the elevator scene. Also the pacing was excellent and the description was short. Easy to digest. A page turner. The reader won't get bored.

- The celebrity cameos were excellent. I laughed for a minute or so at "it's not a tumor".

Overall areas for improvement

- I didn't get to the point where I felt attached to any of the characters. Especially the main character Ben: What should attach me to him? He is a bit of an anti-hero, but I don't get what makes him special. Other than he seems to be a barber who can mount a massive criminal operation. But a lot of that seems to fall to luck. The quick and funny style seems to have the side effect of skimming right over any character development. Even Sid would be more sympathetic if he had been a little hurt by what they did to his girlfriend.... these people don't seem human.

- The antagonist is neither threatening nor funny. He doesn't really create an obstacle for them at any time at all. I imagine that if he were both a serious problem for them, and funny/outrageous, the stakes would be higher throughout and the story would feel deeper, without losing it's humour or pacing. Let Ben be pissed off by Hank at least as much as he's irritated by Sid having a girlfriend.

- The end -- I didn't feel a payoff. I think for two reasons: 1) The antagonist was not strong enough for the victory to be satisfying and 2) The defeat of the antagonist seemed rather random / coincidental.

Other stuff / details / suggestions

- The barber shop rivalry from the beginning is not resolved at the end. Could add a line about "we got the kid, the other barber shop closed down" in Ben's final monologue. By the way, why is Julia still cutting hair as a best-selling author?

- The repetitive "everyone is gathered around talking" at the beginning is hilarious and helps the pacing, but later in the script you use a lot of these "everyone is standing around" statements, which mean that literally a lot of scenes will start with people just standing there. Works at the beginning, but later in the script you should give them more to do. I dunno, cutting limes for cocktails or something. Anything....

- The first act ends too soon. I dunno, very subjective. But we got to that poker game too fast. Maybe you could insert some more character development in there? Could be a place to give us more of an introduction to Hank. Let's see how crazy or dangerous he is. And let's learn more about Ben and how he came to have criminal / stealth / spy instincts...

- Ben doesn't react at all when he loses his barbershop in the game. I dunno, I guess he has another one? This should be a big deal, and the argument that should ensue could be an opportunity to show the respective teeth of Ben and Hank.

- In a couple of places you tell rather than show, such as the Hank introduction. You mention he's smooth talking, but he hardly speaks in the script. Another example: You tell us that Dan is living with his mother but never show her.

- That's a cliché by the way: The nerdy IT guy living with his mother. I think you could do something with that idea, to freshen it up (based on what you've done with the rest), or just cut the line.

- At one point Ben tells Julia she's staying behind or not competing (not clear which). Later, she's there with them at the MGM.

- Nobody resists anything... they always agree with Ben. I know, that's part of your style. But it's weird somehow. I wonder what actors would make of it? A lot of the "That's okay" and "Okay" and other confirmation dialogue ending the scenes seems to me like it would be hard to act.

- I would cut a lot of the development of the announcers. They are good in small doses, but the song and all of Tom's strangeness don't add anything to the story for me. I would cut it down to just some short cutaways with wisecracks.

- A smoke grenade in a casino? There would be security, police, and an evacuation....

- Removal of Sau Ling: It happens just after Julia, Austin and Heil are out of the game. Would be funny if it were later revealed, that it was them in security uniforms who took Sau Ling out of the game. Especially after Dan's statement "Sau Ling is impossible to beat no matter that method you use."

- The Blue Man stuff: The part where he speaks in graphic sexual terms to a child turned my stomach a bit. That part goes a bit further than I could take. But up to you.
Otherwise the blue men were funny. However, the blue man battle later in the script seems unnecessary. It doesn't develop plot or character. It's also not as funny as the rest. I suggest it could be removed.

- When Ben is released from prison he gets a warning from the cop "if I ever catch you doing anything" etc. I was hoping this would pay off in the final confrontation with Hank, with the cop being there and seeing Ben cheating or something, and becoming an obstacle. Something you might consider adding....

- Whose side was Dan on? I thought it turned out he was on Hank's side. But at the end he's back with our protagonists... what happened there?

Closing thoughts

Thank you for the laughs.

You post another draft and want another read, let me know. Send me a private message as well as I may not return to the thread.