|
Post by outofcontext on Mar 2, 2010 23:59:45 GMT -5
Here's a slight work I did as an exercise in adaptation. It's adapted from a short story I wrote a long while back. An older man who worked for me told me a story about killing a fish in a river with a baseball bat when he was a kid and that's what sparked this one. Attachments:
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2010 11:25:31 GMT -5
I have only been writing and reading scripts for a year or so, so this is by no means an expert opinion, but an opinion nonetheless.
The action lines could have been much tighter.
Example: Andy emerges from the wall of bushes. He is dressed, his jeans are wet, marking the area of his underwear. He holds the bat over his shoulder--the fish hangs on it, the end of the bat poked through one gill.
While it helps to build a vivid picture, it started to drag as I read through.
The dialogue was a little advanced for the ages of the boys. It felt more like 16 year olds than 13.
I didn't see a point for them to sit down on the lawn. Maybe if the fish had made sore shoulders for Andy?
I didn't get the ending. I know I can be a dullard so can you help a brother out? What was the significance of the ant bursting into flames? Maybe I totally missed it.
Overall I thought it was a good story. Very interesting. A little spit and polish and it will be very, very cool.
Just my .02
The story itself is interesting and it held my attention.
|
|
|
Post by outofcontext on Mar 3, 2010 21:50:17 GMT -5
Thanks mbh for giving it a read. It's very rewarding to be told I held your attention. Seriously.
The long action lines are signs of poor adaptation from the prose version--you should have seen the big blocks of action in the first draft.
You are not at all thick, the ending is a little obscure. I really can't be explicit about it, but it has something to do with death and the indestructibility of youth and imagination. Remember the dialogue about the human torch and the talk about dead things and the old man crushing the ants before he died?
Anyway, I was under the influence of magical realism at the time, yet managed to control it 'till the very end.
|
|
tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
|
Post by tous on Mar 3, 2010 22:52:35 GMT -5
I reaally liked it.
The good double stuffed Oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:
Really strong opening - I totally saw this old.. man putting on a performance. Like that old'fashion acting you see in black and white films where they twirl around after being shot kinda thing.
Magic realism - Awesome.
-From the bursting ant alone, yes. But from the description/locations and dialogue I think it didn't come off as intended- or as intentional as you'd like- at least not for me- I think there needs to be something in the beginning that shows the confidence and style to an approach that's not as easily seen (since it's un-abundantly used) in film.
SO! if your gonna use magic realism- I think you need to push it more in that direction. I think then- the children-speak - will add so much more to it and make much more sense. It's kind of like, when nothing connects? That act alone, makes it all connect. (Does that make sense?)
[note: Children-speak is a very complex language. It relies on structure and upbringing, as opposed to the simple usage of words and hindered vocabulary)
And if you really want to go in the direction where the kids do speak more than they ought to- the way they interact with each other and the adult world- then you, definitely, should push it to the max, I mean really SET THINGS OFF.- Get to that state where you can really feel it- you know, and pull as much as you can because that, will open up so many of your scenes, such as the negotiating fish scene which needs more. This version alone has so much potential- I think it's something that has the imagination that can touch on something great, something humane and real - it's very intriguing.
Keep it up!
|
|
|
Post by outofcontext on Mar 4, 2010 18:01:17 GMT -5
Whoa Tous, I have to say you have got me fired up about this little thing. About the magical realism--I believe I intended to write a completely realistic story and the last scene surprised me--even though it came naturally, like a little poem. I like your idea of pushing it at the beginning as well--maybe with some surrealism that can be explained naturally; odd, but possible. I'm not sure I completely get all of what you write, but I'm also not sure it matters. The way I interpret it will inform the way I rewrite it...and the response from you and mybrainhurts have got me itching to do that, after I do a rewrite on the other script on this thread.
|
|
tous
Full Member
Posts: 106
|
Post by tous on Mar 4, 2010 18:48:43 GMT -5
Itch! Scratch! Punch the shit out of those pages. Have you seen Blue Velvet by David Lynch? There's a scene in the beginning that's lined with imagery and brilliance. If you watch it again, he really sets the tone of these mere happenstances, these still images of movement in frame, and the way your eyes follow and connect 2 seemly different shots into one is quite surreal as well. -- And all this is reinforced by the ending. Like I said, even if its just another rough draft/or even version of what you previously wrote, it's always nice to see other directions you can go in. I'd suggest you read the "A Surrealist Manifesto" -- and this link here web.mit.edu/comm-forum/mit4/papers/lancaster.pdfthought i'd share if you're interested-- if you get bored just look the other way haha.
|
|
|
Post by glengarry on Mar 4, 2010 20:03:09 GMT -5
This was impressive. You really have an ear for dialogue. Not sure if I can offer any notes or criticism. Just really well done.
This would be a really nice short film. It's very difficult to make an impact in 10 pages but by god, you did.
Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by outofcontext on Mar 5, 2010 19:31:28 GMT -5
...and thank you, glengarry. Maybe I won't do a rewrite after all... I'm so impressionable.
|
|
|
Post by matt35mm on Apr 19, 2010 3:41:34 GMT -5
This was really nice. Did you end up doing any rewrite?
I don't have any suggestions for content, because I think it all works. I'd suggest cleaning up some of the action lines, because they don't add much, which I mean as a compliment--the characters' action and dialogue wholly communicate the tone of the thing, so I saw the reflection of the sun gleaming on the river's surface before you even said it.
Personally, I'm a fan of the idea of keeping the magical realism at the very end. I like the effect. It doesn't need to be set up more than it already has been. It feels organic and surprising.
|
|
|
Post by outofcontext on May 8, 2010 15:36:13 GMT -5
Thanks Matt. I was otherwise engaged for the month of April and am just getting back to the boards. I have not done a rewrite. I'm working on "Something Else For Nothing", the sequel. That was a joke, but my appreciation of your time isn't and I will reciprocate if you've posted.
|
|
sebru
New Member
Posts: 4
|
Post by sebru on Jul 8, 2010 9:52:11 GMT -5
Hi there! I really enjoyed your short! Does it matter the ant sequence at the end? Probably not. The script relies so much on its visuals that I didn't really read much into that ending. Sometimes, things can be left unexplained. If it works, fine. And in this case it works.
Great dialogues between the two boys. And strangely enough, though it can't be restricted to a certain genre, is quite a page turner. Good work.
|
|
LF
Junior Member
Posts: 86
|
Post by LF on Jul 13, 2010 0:14:42 GMT -5
Hey John,
As a fan of magical realism, I really enjoyed that ending moment. I do wish that it was a little clearer what was supposed to change in our perception of the earlier events. Right now, I think it draws attention to the ants from the opening scene with Eustace's death and to the dialogue about Andy's favorite comic book.
Upon a lot of reflection in writing this reply, haha, it seems that you might be trying to draw attention to the "What's so good about being real? All the good things come from dreams." dialogue, which is a great line btw. Thus, the final moment is sort of showing those dreams (Human Torch -> fire) destroying death (Eustace dying -> ants).
So, it seems that you don't need to change the story at all. You're not hitting us over the head and events progress and happen organically.
I think you're at the point where you want to polish the writing so that the important moments pop. I think this can be accomplished by a couple of well placed action lines that slow down things by a bit and give a couple of reactions (like maybe around that "dreams" line).
Really well done! L
|
|
oz
Full Member
Posts: 166
|
Post by oz on Jul 13, 2010 23:58:30 GMT -5
Hi outofcontext. Just read Something for Nothing and although I'm not a fan of shorts (for critiquing---partial scripts, either), I enjoyed this. Yeah, you need a solid rewrite----Page 1-every action line/scene description starts with Andy or He. You could make this a great deal more visually exciting by changing those and choosing your words carefully. PAINT the picture, don't just read it to us. You know?
I've said this before but it holds so true for me. Even a short has to have a beginning, a middle and an end. I think your middle and end (I like the ant going up in flames) are fine, solid even because the dialogue (sorry to disagree, Brain) is dead on for kids that age in the 40s. They were more independent, mature than kids that age are now. Again, those were good but I felt like you shorted us on the beginning. You told us in great detail WHAT Andy was doing---and tightening up those lines with more active words will transcend that into you SHOWING US in great detail WHAT Andy's doing, but we don't know WHY. Yeah, you later give the exposition about the uncle (?) who swings underwater, but maybe you could add one line of dialogue when Andy's at the lake where he says something like, "Here, batter, batter, batter. Sa----wing!" Set up the payoff. Without the set up, the payoff is like revealing a magician's secret---kind of a let down. And if you really want to make this shine, give us some kind of stake for Andy. Nothing's really at stake. Yes, he wants to sell the fish, but so what if he doesn't, you know? Perhaps he has to buy the family's milk or eggs and the contrast with his buddy just blowing his money speaks volumes as to why he's willing to cave on the lowered price. I don't know how you want to do it but it would REALLY push the whole story - especially the ending when the ant goes up in flames, in my opinion, if Andy has something at stake.
Overall, again, one sweat-filled rewrite and you've got it. Thanks for letting me read and good luck!
|
|
|
Post by czachcross on Jul 15, 2010 15:32:36 GMT -5
reading it a second time i got the old man killing ants with his fist, andy killing the fish with the bat, then andy burning the ant with with his fire power.
And having andy deliver that line about magic being better than real life.
I like how you made the sickest character deliver the line with heart.
Im sold. Andy's a smart little badass.
nice
|
|
|
Post by outofcontext on Jul 31, 2010 13:33:14 GMT -5
Thanks for your impressions, all. As I said up top, this was an exercise and I appreciate all the feedback. @zach--I love that you call Andy a badass--did you see a pre-teen Lee Marvin or Clint Eastwood? oz--I appreciate the notes--this is an early effort, so the action lines do need work. The stakes for me are the inviolability of art and youth vs. the reality of death and commerce. Small stakes and perhaps not dramatic enough, but I tend to write for small stakes and, as Chico Marx would say, french fried potatoes. (I apologize for that.) I think if I were serious about getting this made, I would incorporate your suggestions and might even go further, but quite frankly I'm working on something I find more exciting to me at the moment. So no sweaty rewrite imminent. LF--If I ever do a sweaty rewrite, I will look at emphasizing what small plot points there are in this. I enjoyed your interpretation of the work and found it very gratifying. If I could only find a way to provoke thoughts like yours in the context of a 'what happens next' plot structure, I'd be fulfilled. sebru--I appreciate your cosmopolitan approach to the inconclusive ending and your enjoyment of the dialogue. It is most encouraging.
|
|