Gravity's Gone

[outofcontext]

Hi all,
I've finally completed the second draft of my screenplay, Gravity's Gone, the first few dozen pages of which are on the Entire Acts thread.
For those of you who did not read the earlier post, let me just say this is a low key, kind of offbeat an Ivy League educated late 30's man, who after giving up the intellectual life to live an authentic life in the real world of the mid-west, only to escape that world into a world of drugs and music. He and his best friend, a conservative, hard-nosed working man, try and turn their lives around by bringing a Hooters to their small town.
I want to thank everyone for their earlier suggestions and encourage you all to be as nit picky as you can (who wants nits--I don't). I will be doing a third draft of this in the spring and I want it to be tighter, more polished and about 10 pages lighter.
Thanks in advance for your time.

UPDATE: THERE IS A CORRECTED VERSION OF THIS SCRIPT BELOW UNDER THE HEADING 'UPDATED POLISH'. PLEASE USE THAT LINK. (Come to think of it, that may be a little confusing. It's not in the Polish language, it's polished up. English, a great language for poets and lawyers.)

Attachments:

[echenry]

I am reading your script. Got through to about page 58 tonight. Should have some notes for you tomorrow.

- E.C. Henry

[echenry]

Outofcontext,

FINALLY got through reading your 106 page script entitled, "Gravity's Gone." I thought it was VERY SLOPPILY written -- but I still enjoyed your story.

What was Good: ;D

1. Your ending. Paul back at the bowling alley, roasting up "firecrackers" talking with pest control mirrors the beginning. End result of Paul's attempt at entrepreneurship: neuter; he's right back where he was before. Very stoner-esque. I liked it.

2. Paul as a protagonist works. I found myself routing for the guy. AND a lot of the story's humor revolves around him. Which is VERY GOOD.

3. Nice eclectic band of supporting characters. I especially liked Marie. I thought you did a good job with her.

4. I thought many times you showed good instincts of where to end scenes. Page 32: "Are you stoned?" Page 54: Paul stands up to Reid and Hart.

5. Paul getting fired on page 72 is a good plot point. I also liked the Hart/Marie exchange on pages 32-35.


What bothered me A LOT and took me out of your story:

1. Mis-formatted shot headings. NUMEROUS MISTAKES. Too many to count. You need to do some reading (David Trottiers' "The Screenwriters Bible" or Christopher Riley's "The Hollywood Standard" are what I would recommend), and write standard shot headings.

2. Poorly handled time of day transitions. This script has lots of DAY and NIGHT, time of day descriptors, but none other than one later to account for the passage of time in between scenes in your script. This is bad. You need to go over your plot logic and graft in new time of day descriptors such as: NEXT DAY, TWO HOURS LATER, A FEW MINUTES LATER, A WEEK LATER.

3. Lines of description embedded at the end of lines of dialog. Page 85, Billy Wayne Jones speaking, "Persona au graten? Paul raises an eyebrow." Page 104 Marie speaking, "... Time are tough. Paul looks at her."


Other nuts and bolts areas for improvement:

1. Lines of description need to be written with present tense active verbs. Too often you're using present progressive verb tense. Page 16: "Paul and Eddie are sitting..." Page 59: "Paul is helping...", "Eddie is scraping..." Page 70: "He is seated." could just as well been "Hart sits." Page 72: "Paul is sitting..."

2. Page 1, "He hears something..." is vague. Show don't tell. Put a line of description in here describing what Paul hears.

3. Several times you forgot to capitalize the names of characters with speaking roles the first time they're on camera. Page 5: Hart Philpot. Page 36-38: the women being interviewed. Page 65: the waitress.

4. Invalid character before a line of dialog on page 63: "ANGLE" should be "TRIXIE" -- I believe.

5. Obscure words/better word needed. Page 65: "buxom," which means healthy plump. I'd just go with plump; it's clearer and less obscure. Page 58: "equanimity," which means the quality of being calm and even tempered. I'd just go with "Hart remains calm." Clearer, AND doesn't take the reader out of your story to look up a seldomly used word.

6. Underline movie titles. Pages 9 and 28L The Color of Money, The Husler, and I think you had another one in there too.

7. Eliminate unnecessary spaces. Page 20, 27, 37-38: 5 times!! Ouch, VERY SLOPPY. VERY BAD.

8. Plot logic error. Page 68. You need a line of description, and a new shot heading when Paul pulls the car over.

9. Page 14. When Paul's on the phone, you might want to suggest an insert shot to cue the audience who Paul is taking to on his cell phone.

10. Unnecessary brackets (what the f____?!) on a line of description and a character speaking on page 24.

11. Poorly written handling of the women being interviewed on page 38. This scene has the potential to be really funny. Watch the "Dateapalusa" scene in the "The 40 Year Old Virgin" THEN rewrite this scene. (Just a suggestion)

12. Poorly written scene on page 66. Establish the car driving with an exterior shot heading, and account for the passage of time. Then go to an interior shot for Paul and Marie speaking.

13. In cases where characters are speaking in moving vehicle don't forget to add the (MOVING) modifier at then end of the time of day field.

14. Page 70. Properly format and observe the lyrical endings by wrapping the end of long song lines and indenting the wrapped text 2 spaces. You enclosed Hart's rendition of the Dean Martin song in quotation marks -- which is good, but didn't indent the lyrical lines.

15. Wrong name in a line a of dialog. Page 81, Officer Tim speaking, "Tim, have you stolen any..." Should be Paul, I believe.

16. Misuses of hyphens. Page 72. Marie speaking, "... me-or-you from..." I'd go with "... me, or you, from ..."

17. Ramon's talk of "dominance" on page 70 sounds rather silly. I think you should re-write that and make it more believable.


Moving forward, a few suggestions:

1. Make this script funnier. It has some laughs, but it needs a lot more if you're ever going to sell this script.

2. Go deeper into your story's villains, Hart and Reid. Intertwine them more with Paul and Eddie. I kinda liked Hart and Marie's past. That's got some juice to it. I'd go into that some more...

3. Build up Eddie's character. What is he like? He needs to be your second most interesting character other than Paul, and right now he isn't.

4. Cut away screen time from Billy Wayne Jones. He is a facilitator for Paul and Eddie's dreams. Not very interesting. Billy Wayne Jones is a function character; treat him that way.

5. When I reached page 50 or your script I wrote down the note, "not enough tension, this story seams to be floating along." Though this a character driven screenplay, you still need some tension. I suggest you raise the stakes for Paul and Eddie. Put them more on edge earlier.

6. Roscoe the cook needs improvement too. Improve him or drop him. Right now I hedge on dropping him, and giving more screen time to your villains: Hart, Ramon, and Reid.


Overall, you've got a lot of work to do, BUT this story does show some promise, outofcontext. Once you nail it down, you should query Jeff Dowd; the real-life inspirational character for "The Big Lebowski," and Jeff Dowd's a producer -- with credits!! Yay! Good news for you. I think getting Jeff Dowd excited about your script may be your ticket to you selling this puppy... (And if you do, be sure to remember me of course ;D)

Anyway, I know this critique was a long one. But I did enjoy reading your story. If you wanna talk about it further -- as long as you can remain civil -- I'm willing.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[outofcontext]

Oh E.C.,
I am stung only by your final sentence. How could I be other than civil with someone who took my work seriously enough to write such a thorough and thoughtful critique? Not only that, but if I may borrow your writing style for a second, that was EXACTLY the type of response I was looking for.
You've caught me out BREAKING MY OWN GOLDEN RULE of only putting my best effort out in public.
The script is sloppy--some of it comes from having written it in a program called Sophocles, converting it to RTF and importing it into Final Draft--that's where ANGLE as a character, BAD SPACES and action in the dialogue come from. Bad proofreading. And the inconsistencies of certain scenes, like the one in the car, come from less than thorough rewrites.
I like all of your suggestions and will take them very seriously as I work through a polish next week.
I'm glad you liked Hart and Marie's lunch scene--it was one of the last and most difficult scenes I wrote. Still not happy with it, but as long as it works in its current state.
I wish I had more time to critique your critique, but I can't thank you enough. This thing needs to be tempered in fire and steeled for battle. This review will help me get it there.
Thanks again,
John, aka OOC.

[outofcontext]

Anyone interested can read the updated, post E.C., polished version of Gravity's Gone, which I have attached below. I have corrected most of the sloppiness for which he has correctly admonished me and even touched up a couple bits of dialogue. Thanks again E. C. and I will address the more broad concerns you have in some future posts.

Attachments:

[tous]

I love your dialogue! It's funny, clever, banters around for some air and then heads straight back into the plot- very smooth. And a lot of the humor circles around Paul which keeps you on balance. And with your scripts, I can tell it's you, it's your charisma/your voice! (ty)

The double stuffed oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:

I think E.C. did an amazing job (as per-usual). I actually read your other draft a few weeks ago and I must say, big improvement on the stakes and everything.

I always laugh at the kool-aid reference--how it's meant to be metaphorical - to believe in something and yet Paul says he hasn't since he was a kid, which makes total sense. And that changes him.

I think overall you did an amazing job with character relations.

A few mis-types here and there but I'm sure you'll catch them when you re-read it.

The only problem I had a certain itch at- was that it ended rather abruptly. Billy dies and everything turns out okay? It was a great ride so I get passed it, but as the page came to a close, my initial reaction was- "Oh, that's the ending".
Anyways- I REALLY liked it. The ending was a good turn of events- how Paul just ends up back to the beginning. - Awesome job dude.

[outofcontext]

Tous,
Thanks for the kind words. Not to be ungracious, but E.C.'s read helped immensely with the polish, not at all with plot (whatever slight plot there is in there) and stakes. I'm going to use this reply to address further what E.C. said in a sec.
First, to address the deus ex machina stuff that happens in the ending: even though I don't outline, this is where the thing was going from the start. I foreshadow it a little with some inheritance talk about the old lady, but in essence it fits into Paul's feeling that's it's all a game. However, your gut response is important and valuable to me. I wanted the pace to start slow and build, such as it is, and the end to be quick, without too much lingering. Maybe I need to look at that.
Most interesting to me was your take on the Kool-Aid, which I must admit was not wholly intentional. That makes me very happy and is as satisfying as anything anyone has ever said about my work. I don't know if you noticed, but I try as little as possible to direct this movie from the page. Even to the point were I wont use italics or underlinings to influence line readings. I want the reader to make his own movie in his head, just like I would want a director, if I could trick one into wanting to film my work, and the actors to bring their game to the table. I have my ideas and themes and that, I hope, keeps the work consistent, but I'd be happy if your version of my movie is better than mine.
Man, sorry to be a bit of an egotistical blowhard, but I kind of am, so there you are.
As for my alleged 'charisma', you might want to talk to my wife about that--any charisma I had wore off in the early 90's. I'll take it to mean what real writers call voice and once again thank you.

Okay, back to E. C.: once again man, I can't thank you enough for your thoughts. I took almost every one of your formatting and descriptive suggestions and made this much less amateurish. Most of all, I'll repeat, thanks for slapping my wrist about not bringing my best forward.
Let me address the 'Moving Forward' section which served the terrific purpose of making me think long and hard about the script.

I don't want it funnier. I'm comfortable with the level of farce where it is. If I'm going to sell this script--a lottery ticket's chance in hell, but...--it's probably not going to be a Steve Carrell vehicle, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I don't consider characters solely for functional reasons, but BWJ is functional. He is the money source, he helps expose the real estate plot with the Philpots, he ties Fay with Hart which makes it possible for Hart to get it all and force the boys out. I can't remove any of those scenes without unravelling what little excuse I have for a plot. I do confess that I may be overly in love with BWJ, so some trimming of his dialogue is probably in order.
To take your Big Lebowski ref. further, Eddie to me is kind of a Walter character, I'm happy with his level of involvement. He has 20% of the dialogue--Paul has 29%, next highest are Marie and Hart with 8% and Billy with 6%. The ratio seems right to me.
...."When I reached page 50 or your script I wrote down the note, "not enough tension, this story seams to be floating along."... You mean like gravity was gone? Sorry, I couldn't resist. Yeah, I know the first half needs to lose about 5 or six pages--actually, probably cut 8 and add 3 in a couple of new scenes. I'm thinking on that.
If I cut Roscoe, how will I get Kevin Smith to be in my movie?
As for my villains, I have to confess, Hart's part grew and grew as I became more fascinated with him. I enjoy writing him. But I don't want more. At least now. He might get a couple new scenes in the first half next time round.

Anyway, as you can see Tous and E. C., I gained so much from your feedback that I can't really express my gratitude fully. You made me think hard about what I've done and will do.

And, once again, I apologize for being so self-indulgent here, but you guys really got me thinking.