Forehead -- A Short Script Comedy -- (Draft Three)

[matthewmilam]

The plot is the same.

Dwayne is out with perhaps the worst possible woman you could imagine for a date. She dismissive, uncaring and is only out with Dwayne for a free dinner. Will Dwayne simply give in and call it a lost cause, or will give payback for having his time wasted?

I made a few improvements over the last draft and hopefully they make the screenplay better.

Attachments:

[tous]

Hey. Just gave this a read

The Good Double Stuffed Oreo stuff and The Bad Twist Off Breakage

I noticed that the first sentence-paragraph doesn't need to be as long.
Try and think of other ways this paragraph can be drawn.

INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
DWAYNE (30s) sits by himself in an empty part of the
restaurant near the front window. A lit candle stares him
the face. It’s light occasionally moves from the side to
side due to the windy breeze let in by the closing and the
opening of the front door.

Why not? (without changing yours too much; this is your vision)

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
A lit candle stares at DWAYNE (30's), sitting alone near the front windows.
It's flame sways as the front door opens and closes with the outside world.

You don't need restaurant again in the paragraph because we already know where Dwayne is, and I made it fancy because you mention the candle and I think it pushes it to the extreme, having someone sit alone in a fancy restaurant creates a certain ambiguity. And starting with the lit candle, how it can represent him- in its own sentence the way you put it - I just saw this candle in the foreground looking up at Dwayne's face like "This is the guy I'm stuck with" yet this is who he is - plus you don't really need to write it's staring him in the face, since the reader will know people usually have their faces above the table. I mention the outside world because it's the exact opposite of Dwayne - while they have places to go and things to do (live)-- Dwayne is stuck in the door. There's something he wants to do in this world; here inside this restaurant that may not exactly fit him. (You can even have us hear the door closing and opening, to emphasize that he's waiting for something. BUT I LIKED IT THE WAY YOU HAVE IT, where you don't know what he's doing here and all of a sudden she kinda just shows up at his table. Walla.

As for one example, perhaps consider revising some other sentences.

Jasmine takes her attention away from the phone - doesn't really flow for me, not sure if anyone can take their attention from something - as opposed to the something taking the attention from her. (i.e. the menu) That way, its like the menu is giving her options! And now she sees it! Great metaphor, and underlying approach to what Dwayne is not giving her. (Options.)

DWAYNE
Do I get an E grade?
JASMINE
An E Grade?
DWAYNE
Effort. That’s what it’s all about.

- an E grade? It sounds really weird for me when I say it - I'd say "Do I get an E?" and she's like "What?" And then he flows right back in trying to be smooth- "For effort".

Great job with the phone, compeltely believable. I felt maybe he should have tried to get her attention and she deliberately ignores him - making it HER FAULT for what's about to happen. The consequences which therefore lead to --
Well, this is how I pictured it which doesn't get across when you wrote it but I'm going to assume you thought of it that way.

Dwayne picks it up and notices a series of text messages all
recently sent from Jasmine’s phone. They read as follows: - Try making it so the SCREEN STARES him in the face this time. You seem to have a way with communicating through light which may be a good element to keep. So I'd change it so that the light catches him off guard: this being a different sort of light - being electronic and fake and nothing of what he is - which is the candle. The electronic makes her noticeably pretentious.

But really well done, I enjoyed it. I could actually see this further developed - following the guy and girl, them both going through their different situations and growing from them.
Anyways. I hope I've helped.

[dave243]

Nice Premise. But there were a few things I'd like to point out.

Until you made it clear that Jasmine had been sending texts messages the whole time, I was curious as to why she wasn't saying anything to whoever she was on the phone with. If she is texting throughout the story, then it needs to be mentioned. A vibrated cell phone can very easily still be from a phone call.

Also, why are they on a date? It makes sense if she knew before hand that he was a big spender, but if she finds out that during the date and its also obvious that he's boring, WHY go? If it's her plan the whole time to get any ol' chum to continuously buy things for her, then why did she allow him to - at first- to order whatever he chooses? Am I not reading this right?

There also seemed to be some minor issues with dialogue.

Jasmine : "You are a nice person" (pg 6)
Most people use conjunctions. " You're, we're, they're"

Jasmine's Friend via text: " Remember when that other guy who paid your gas bill, and the one that drove you home?" (pg 5)
That sentence seems a little off. Your reminding a character of their own action's simply to inform the audience. I would try to think of a better way to show this.

On that note, there was a lot I liked about this as well. I really liked the characters. They were different and that created a good set up for conflict.
My two favourite lines are

Jasmine: Okay Mr. Effort. Here’s some extra credit. Go over to the flower shop and get me a real flower, fresh, while I was use the ladies. (pg 4)

Jasmine: Nice. I’m flattered, really I am. Heart is pounding away.Where is my cell phone? (pg 5)

The only other suggestion that I would give would be, try to make Dwayne a stronger character. I can easily see how Jasmine would react in various situations, but with Dwayne I'd have no clue.

The fact that the things I had issues with were mainly minor, says something. "GOOD JOB"

[rminela]

I enjoyed your short and could feel myself in on the scene. One thing stood out that I try to avoid. It was contained in the dialogue . (pg. 5)

JASMINE
Nice. I'm flattered, really I am. Heart is pounding away, Where is my cell phone?

If she conveys to Dwayne that her heart is pounding away, then the statement might be confusing. Might be smoother if written like this:

JASMINE
(heart pounding) or (very nervous)
Nice. I'm flattered, really. Where's my cell phone? (or) Have you seen my cell phone?
JASMINE
Nice. I'm flattered, really. (heart pounding) Have you seen my cell phone?

When she asks him where her cell phone is = she is assuming he took it (without being certain.) Does she suspect or know he's a thief? If her heart is pounding, she's probably breathing hard.

I would like to see more of your script.