Thicker Than Blood - 10 minute short

[bscenefilms]

This is my first screenplay. I intend to shoot this later this year. I know it has issues. That's why I am posting it here

www.b-scenefilms.com/ttb.pdf

[bscenefilms]

Was it THAT bad?

[oz]

It wasn't bad, I just didn't care about any of the characters. Unless you suck me in to root for or really want to see them fail, I'm just watching a few scenes. Were they cohesive? Yes. But I didn't care.

Sorry.

[tous]

You know, maybe there was just too much drama in the beginning. Especially since we don't know these character's they seem to already be in a pickle-- about just being bugged that doesn't really have any significance on their lives.

This is a good line for Nick, really sets his tone-
Martha's decorating tips at work? So A- we know they have a history together and B- the guy clues us in that there is something wrong here even for him.


TOM
(Cutting him off)
Nick, just trust me. The less you
know the better. I'm being
watched. I think the house is
bugged. I don't know who's doing
it, but I know its happening.

- How does he know. I don't feel plugged into this scenario. We're in the middle of a situation that has no consequence and no sense of mystery. So then I'm thinking Tom is just schizo - especially since he's using a chainsaw --try maybe-- blasting music or having him pull Nick into the shower with running water. (Which would probably be great after reading the scenario I wrote at the very bottom, cause then he wouldn't want to get into the show because he's wired.)

So what's the clue. He says he thinks he's being bugged? How? (besides someone outside fixing an engine)

Also Tom showing Nick the document and then not telling him about it, isn't believable. Why show him? That's contradicting the above - "The less you know the better"

Oz is right about us not caring. Who do we have sympathy for, possibly Tom in the beginning but then the scene changes dramatically to Nicks perspective. And what's his danger. He's mad that he was almost made but what would Tom do, when he results to using a chainsaw?

So if its gonna be from Nick's perspective, he should be opening first, maybe having him get ready, getting wired and then being dropped off by a van and then he shows up to some suburban home? Now that's interesting. That's saying to me, this agent guy is being deployed here? And then crazy guy Tom with chainsaw. Now, is Nick in trouble? If Tom is so paranoid that he's being bugged (From the next scene its Louis's fault correct?) then maybe he's paranoid of Nick as well.

I'm just one perspective, so I hope I've helped.

[bscenefilms]

Thanks for the replies. It DOES help to read the entire thing. It's not what you expect...

[oz]

Bscene, I should have been a little more specific. My apologies.

The most difficult part of a short is your time constraints, obviously, but just because it's a short DOES NOT mean you can cut the beginning, middle or end.

I think you shorted us the beginning. We don't know anyone's ordinary world or who the protag is or who we are rooting for or hoping will fail. Yes, in the end we see you have two protags but we still have to have a reason to root for someone to keep watching. That's tough to establish in a short but that's your job. Without a beginning, middle and end, you just have scenes. Are they cool? Sure. But they don't tell the story in a way that's captivating. Maybe it's just me. But I did read the entire thing. And I kind of did see it coming. Sorry.

[bscenefilms]

That's fine, Oz - I greatly appreciate your time and thoughts on this. I got the impression that you had not read it all when you said this: "Anyways I stopped reading after that".

What both of them are doing at the beginning is motivated by the fact that they both know they are being watched / bugged.